Muy Caliente

I don't care what any of you bitches say, this man is hot! He melts my buttah!!!

I know I'm always a little late to the dance, but if you haven't seen this yet, it's his new video. And if you have seen it, it's worth watching again!

There's even a little girl-on-girl action for our sisters, and our homosexually-challenged brothers (who I hear like that sort of thing).

This video sure does give a new meaning to "Got Milk"! And if anyone has pictures of that scene, please forward them to me. Yowsa.Ricky Martin Shirtless half naked

Ch Ch Changes

The first draft of the novel is finished!!! Like any creative type person I am going to do what should be done. I am stepping away from it for a bit to distance myself so I can come back fresh and do some constructive editing.

Speaking of construction, there's going to be some changes going on. So please forgive me for a bit longer. My friend Jason over there, and I, will be working with his construction crew for the next few days, so things are most likely going to look a bit wonky around here. It's all part of the migration over to my own server and domain.

I have lots of stories to tell of the past few weeks as well, that I haven't gotten a chance to write here. Especially my latest late night escapade with HSNB...

Stay tuned.

I want to be as wise as she

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

"But I just don't know what I should do," I said, while staring out at the constant crashing of the waves.

"What does your heart tell you Mr. Cusack," she replied, slightly squeezing my forearm.

I kicked at a shell in the surf, not sure if I was avoiding the answer or just unsure of what I truly felt. Finally, I turned to her and said, "I feel if I leave I am saying goodbye to all that was, and all that could be. And I am terrified of starting over, but maybe, well maybe that is what is best."

"You can't bring him back, whether you stay here, or whether you go. California is a wonderful place, and your ideal of endless summer may in fact be there. Moving there though will bring that ideal, but only in weather. Not in your heart dear boy.

And of course, there is the issue of your new beau. Is your desire to leave to truly forget the past, or to avoid your future?"

Miss Novak was right of course. After much thought and introspection over the next few days in that late spring month last year, I made the decision to not take the job, and stay put. And as they say, that has made all the difference.

My demons still haunt me, and I'm sure they always will. As much as we say we have moved on, there is always that little residual something there. And that's okay. It's just a part of what makes me, well, me.

If a year ago, you had said to me that I would be planning a wedding this year, I would have laughed.

I clearly remember the last thing she said to me that day before we moved on to other topics, "Remember Mr. Cusack, your destiny will be fulfilled wherever you are." And so it is.

I think I'll try defying gravity

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

Physical therapy has been going great. All of my parts are working as they should. Bruising is pretty much gone now which has been a big boost to my confidence and self-esteem. I am no longer taking any meds. Yippee!

The most important thing that has changed in the past two weeks is, well, somehow something sparked. I don't know if it was a muse, or the clear-headed thinking, or just dumb luck, but I've been writing again. That's why I haven't been waxing prophetic here so much.

And of course it's spring, and in spring a young man's fancy turns to, well, let's just say now that the casts are off and the body is working well, a certain young man who lives in my house has gotten repayment for all of his tender care. Often. TeeHee.

Okay why am I hanging around here with you mugs? I have chapters to write, and a boyfriend to, ummm, wake up.

An observation

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

"Writers are observers of the human condition."

That's something a professor of mine once said. It's long stuck with me. Being an actor (well I used to be, it's been a while), I always thought that was true of us as well.

So what made that stick in my head?

The blogosphere lost an excellent writer this week. A young man with lots of talent, heart, soul, and a keen insight to the human condition. His reasons for no longer putting his thoughts out onto public display are extremely noble, decidely understandable, and definitely commendable.

Life is what happens. Blogs are what happens when life is observed, and chronicled. When the blog moves past its purpose of life observation, and becomes life intrusion, then the writer by all means should go dark. But that does not mean the writer should not write. It just means the writer need not share publicly.

I have thought of just such a thing many times. It is sometimes difficult to share these deeply personal things that we do. As I've said before, I don't post publicly everyday, and I only share those things that I choose. But I chronicle my life each and every day in a private journal. The things that happen to me that I choose to share, I usually try to spin humorously, to entertain. And in some way, to just reach out to other humans like me who share this preternatural condition of loving someone of the same gender.

I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here. Not everyday. But as often as I feel the need to reach out. For as long as observation does not become intrusion.

And to my fellow blogger who has chosen to now remain private, I wish you all the best that life can bring you, and hope that you enjoy the ride. You have conquered much. You have found love. Nurture it. And please, even if it is just a private journal, never ever stop writing.

I'm not a perfect person

Doctor: I also think it would be good for you to see a therapist. It will help you heal much faster.

Me: Oooooo-kay.

So on Doctor's orders I made an appointment to see my therapist. He only slightly lectured me for not seeing him in over a year, but I really haven't felt the need. True, I have gone to see a therapist in the past, and this therapist in particular when Kirk died, but I feel like I have dealt well with life since then. Until now. And even this isn't that hard to handle, really. I mean, the only reason the man is seeing me now is because the Doctor ordered it.

So we talked for the hour. I sure didn't have to spell it out for him as to why the accident upset me. All in all it was a good session, and basically I came out of it knowing that I was already on the right track, even though I won't discuss the accident with anyone other than him and the BF, which is not totally healthy but acceptable according to the therapist.

So, feeling much better, I went back to my primary care guy...

Doctor: Everything is coming along nicely. Have you been to therapy.

Me: Yes I went on Friday.

Doctor: And has it helped.

Me: Well, yeah, it didn't hurt.

Doctor: Well that's a great sign. There's nothing in your chart. I must not have gotten the report on that yet.

Me: Ummm. I didn't realize you would get a report on that.

Doctor: No problem. I'll have the nurse call them. Did you go to Bryn Mawr Rehab, or Mainline Sports & OT?

Me: Neither. I went to see Dr. Steinberg.

Doctor: Which Physical Therapy is he with?

Me: Ummm. None.....You said therapist, so I just assumed...


And on my to do list today:
1. Find new Primary Care Physician.
2. Discuss with Therapist feelings of wanting to inflict bodily harm on Doctors who laugh at you.

Day 3

I feel lost, disoriented, alone. Things that I have taken for granted, especially the last couple of weeks, I am now painfully aware of. He left me on Sunday, and I am not coping well.

I am a fiercely independent person. It was a learned behavior. I didn't start out that way, but after years of being an enabler and being taken advantage of, I learned to not need anyone else to take care of me.

When I asked BF to move in, it was with great trepidation. I didn't want to lose my independence. I didn't want to lose my alone time. I enjoy those times where I could just come home and lock my door and forget the rest of the world exists.

But his being here has been anything but a problem. If anything, the house stayed cleaner, laundry has been done on a more regular basis, and even the dog seemed happier.

Now I am a semi-invalid. A leg in a cast, an arm in a cast, ribs that hurt when I breathe, among other things. I had gotten used to him nursing me. I was used to him doing all of the things I can't right now. I was used to him picking up the things that I drop and can't bend down to pick up. I was used to him, well, you know. The cast prevents me from handling that myself. I miss him terribly, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I am lost.

Thank God he'll be back on Friday. I'm down to my last pair of clean underwear.

Step by step

Again, thank you for the kind comments, thoughts, and well wishes. They are appreciated far more than you know.

Fact is, it is a sometimes difficult road back. But not unsurmountable, and not as bad as it could have been.

I have sat down numerous times to write/discuss what happened but for several reasons, I just can't.

For one, those of you who have been around for awhile know what happened in the past that added to the trauma. And second, I really didn't want to write an entry that would have seemed to intentionally elicit a lot of Poor Joey comments.

I am going through physical therapy and it has helped immensely. My physical therapist is, well, quite honestly, so frelling hot I can't concentrate on my routine. Yowsa!

I am no longer on any pain medication, and I returned to work this week. I have a really cool new car too. And my guy is a rock. He has put up with a lot over the last couple of weeks, and has proven to be an accomplished nurse. And did I mention he is quite creative when it comes to taking care of all of my needs? ;)

So see, it's not so bad. A lot of good things have happened along the way. And Isn't that what life is all about? Taking the journey and experiencing every thing that life has to offer?

It's coming

Summer. It's coming. The long dark will soon be over. Everything will be as it is meant to be. The sun will blaze golden. Shirtless boys will appear in the park, blazing golden. My spirit will blaze golden.

Lifeguards with golden tans will appear on the beaches. Children will play in the surf mixing the crash of the waves with their squeals and laughter.

The man I love, with all my heart, will continue to prove I can move outside my comfort zone by making me do new things. Like surfing.

Everything will be healed. And my spirit?

Miss Novak and Mr. Cusack will again stroll at the water's edge, pondering life's mysteries.

Crash, The Movie

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

Crash was a wonderful movie, and so was Brokeback Mountain. Crash should and will most likely take the Oscar.

Crash is not only a movie. It's also the reason for my absence of late.

The good news is that there will be no permanent damage. The bad news is, I have a number of things broken. Bones, my lovely car, and my spirit. I thought the shoulder pain was bad - heh that was nuthin.

Details will follow, but suffice it to say, I am doing okay. I'm mending. My car, eventually will be mended. My spirit is going to take some time.

Public Service Announcement

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, regular posting has been interrupted. Service will be restored this weekend. In the meantime, please enjoy the view from Joey's bed.

Love hurts

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. As I’ve said, I’m so wrapped up in work right now, I’m not even sure what day it is. That’s about to change, as soon as this project wraps up. Hopefully by then it will be spring. And I won’t be in pain.

I guess I should go back a few days, and tell you about my birthday. Where did we leave off? Ah yes, the morning...

I went downstairs to get my morning coffee. There on the counter is a massive arrangement of flowers. Reds, blues, yellows, whites. Colors that together brought back an instant memory of a warm day and a sea breeze. These were summer flowers. Summer flowers. Just like the arrangement I had bought and brought back to the shore house the first time we were there together.

In front of the vase, was a small plain card. Written on it in beautiful script was one simple phrase. Prepare for an evening of seduction. Oh he’s good!

Once at work, I sped through a day filled with the normal mundane meetings and intense coding sessions with my door closed. I finally left the office a little after 6, later than I had planned, but earlier than most days.

At home, everything was perfect. Scented candles, romantic music, and a meal meant to be eaten with our fingers. When asked if I liked my birthday, I responded that it was all very lovely and thoughtful, but I was feeling very old. He had been waiting for me to say it. I could tell he had been planning for that moment all day.

“I’m going to prove to you, that you are not old.”

He blew out the candles, turned off the music, and went upstairs. His clothes were coming off one by one on the way. I sat there for a few minutes not wanting to give in. I was tired. I felt old. I had work to do. I wasn’t sure I was up for this. I ran upstairs as fast as I could.

What follows is a blur. I remember candles. I remember oils. I remember neckties. I remember sensations not felt before. I remember things seen only on the Discovery channel.

And I remember falling off the bed. Onto my shoulder. Yes that shoulder. And I remember screaming. I am truly convinced this boy is trying to kill me.

My wish? Eternal Summer

The sun was extremely hot on the beach, but we didn't seem to mind. With my eyes closed I could hear all of the sounds around me; the gulls, the people laughing and enjoying themselves, and the pounding surf. I looked at him and was filled with an explosive amount of love and desire. He was so beautiful. I kissed him. Right there. His lips tasted like the salt of the ocean. And he returned my kiss with the force of the sea. I heard this horrible clanging noise, and I couldn't tell if it was the ice cream vendor, or the lifeguard on his chair annoyed at what we were doing. The noise increased in intensity as did the intensity of our kiss. I wanted to savor that moment and the taste of him and the ocean forever, but it was being interrupted by that piercing clanging noise which kept getting louder and louder. Our lips suddenly broke from each other and Jake said, "You have the most annoying alarm clock in the world." And I woke up.

Thoughts streaming. His arm around me. Remembering the 20 plus inches of snow outside, and the heat of the sun and us in my dream. Day? What day? Ugh. Tuesday. Have to go to work. I slide out from under his arm, and out of the bed, feet hit the floor. As I stand and stretch it hits me like a freight train - it's Valentine's Day. It's my frakking birthday. And there's a zero in the number. And I am suddenly very old. I want to go back to the beach. To the sun. To Jake. To our lips. To youth.

Scattered

Deadlines, everywhere. Demands on my time, everywhere. Adjusting to living full time with the BF, confusing and time-consuming.

Of course you would think having him live with me now would be easy and interesting as our selves meld together. But I have been so swamped, and my brain has been so filled with all of the other demands on me right now, I really haven't had much time to think about it.

Last night I was working late. Okay really late. And I didn't crawl into bed until 1:30am. I am normally asleep by 10pm at the very latest. And I got up earlier as well, because I had to get stuff done prior to a presentation this morning. Total sleep = 3 hours, 45 minutes.

I woke up and went through my morning ritual. Showered, dressed, and ran out the door. On the drive in I kept thinking there was something just odd. I couldn't really place it, and I thought it was just the lack of sleep getting the best of me.

Got to work and got busy. But I kept feeling uncomfortable and I wasn't sure why. After a pot of coffee, I had to go drain off the excess. I go in the bathroom, open my pants, and suddenly realized why I was out-of-sorts and uncomfortable. I am freeballin'. I have gone commando. The ballroom doors are wide open. I am not wearing any underwear.

In my haste and sleep deprivation, I have skipped an important task of the morning routine. In my presentation all I can think about is the fact that I have no underwear on. Can they tell? Does it show?

And now here I sit. And every time I move, the boys are feeling squished. They miss their support!

And I have at least 6 hours to go before I get home.

We're going to....

Well it seems my boyfriend is going to be taking me to Disney World. I'm really excited. Oddly enough I have never been to Disney World, and after last night, it seems we are going.

He's the greatest isn't he? That's his picture there on the right, taken last summer. It's really hard having a celebrity as a boyfriend, but hey, what can you do? I was totally shocked when right after the game he announced our vacation plans to the whole world.

I am so excited for him and his friends. Last night was a huge win, and I am very proud of him. While I am waiting for him to get home from Detroit I am going to start packing for a warmer climate!

And when he gets home I am really going to pamper him. I'll run a hot bath, and then massage his tired muscles and then we'll -

"What's that babe?... Yes I know Ben is not my boyfriend. But can we still go to Disney World?"

Cool. He said yes. Now if I can just figure out when Ben is going to be there...

Spreadin' the love again

I really really hate it when people post and say that they are too busy to post. So I'm not going to do that. Except to say that the past two weeks have been nuts. And not the good kind.

So instead of wasting time on me today, I'm sending you elsewhere to someone whose blog if you are not already reading you really should be!

I want you to go spread some love to James. He's a very good writer. His viewpoints are always well thought out and well spoken. And like many of us, he sees and lives life in broad terms. The best thing is, he can communicate them that way as well. That is something I admire greatly.

So go on, get out of here. Go visit James at his Gay Empire. Come back this weekend or Monday and we can get back to the surreality that is my life.

I said go already! Sheeesh.

James' Gay Empire

Who?

I was deeply saddened by the death yesterday of Coretta Scott King. I think what affected me most was this feeling that it was the passing of an era. First Rosa Parks, and now Mrs. King. Where are the heros for our generation? Where are the ones who will stand up and say, "I am not going to take it anymore" and effect change?

I met Mrs. King at a function a number of years ago. She took my hand, placed her other hand over top of mine, and said in that pleasant dulcet quiet tone of hers, "How are you?". It wasn't "Pleased to meet you", or a simple, "Hello". She asked me how I was. Me. Someone she did not even know. I knew that I was meeting a woman important to history and the shaping of our country but to have her greet me, a complete stranger, in that way changed my entire perception of her. It was quite powerful.

I mentioned her death to a number of people yesterday and what saddened me even more was the response of most everyone. "Who?". How could someone get to their age and not know who Mrs. King was? If we do not remember or recognize the human rights heros that have gone before, how can we expect a hero for us? Someone that will lead us into the validation of our existance so we will no longer have to be shunned, ridiculed, feared, hated, killed.

I'm also passing along today an email sent to me by Judy Shepard and the Matthew Shepard Foundation. It is a shining example of the woman that Mrs. King was.

Dear Friend,

The Matthew Shepard Foundation, my family and I join the millions in expressing
their grief and sadness at the passing of Mrs. Coretta Scott King. Mrs. King was
an extraordinary human being, filled with the hope of equality for all with
absolutely no distinction. She spread her message of hope with grace and
compassion from which I draw constant inspiration.

The day after my son Matthew’s death, Mrs. King sent a letter to my family that
I would like to share with you for the first time today. This letter represents
in the truest sense the human being she was and the spirit of her work that we
should all strive to emulate.

Sincerely,
Judy Shepard


October 13, 1998

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Shepard,

I was stunned and deeply saddened to learn of the killing of your beloved son,
Matthew Shepard. On behalf of Dexter Scott King, The King Center and the King
Center Family, I send our heartfelt condolences, our love and prayers for your
family in your hour of bereavement.

Clearly, your Matthew was a fine young man, a kind and open-hearted person who
believed in human rights and the dignity of all people. The outpouring of
sympathy from his many friends, as well as his family, is a testament that he
was a caring and much-loved human being, and his loss diminishes us all.

The epidemic brutality that took your son’s life and has caused so much pain to
your family must be confronted and stopped. Americans of conscience must work a
lot harder to eliminate this sick culture of violence that threatens even our
best and brightest.

Matthew Shepard will be sorely missed. But we will be praying your family soon
be unburdened by the knowledge that his beautiful spirit will live on in the
hearts of all of those he touched.

Sincerely,
Coretta Scott King

I'd like to invite them all over for the weekend

Am I in pain? Yup. Well okay, it's really just down to a dull ache. As long as I don't move, I feel just fine. I saw the doctor, who wanted to prescribe a course of steriods. While the idea of bulking up is appealing, I know it's just a ten day thing. I have taken them before and I don't like my mood swings during that time, so I politely declined. Anti-inflammatories are your friend!

Positive things have come out of my injury. I am being coddled. You-Know-Who is feeling extremely guilty, since the whole thing was his idea. And I don't have to help him move this weekend. That's almost worth the pain! He cleaned my house and did my laundry too. I would keep him just for that alone! Okay typing hurts so I thought I would share an article with you from our local rag. I agree with their list whole-heartedly, and would love to have any one of them over to nurse me through my injury!

His character may be lost, but Josh Holloway has been discovered.

In Touch Weekly has crowned Holloway, 36, who portrays con man Sawyer on ABC's Emmy-winning hit series Lost, TV's "hottest hunk."

The magazine, in an issue on newsstands Friday, also gives props to Holloway's castmate Matthew Fox, who plays Jack. Fox came in ninth among the top 10 good-looking guys.

Lost co-star Evangeline Lilly describes Holloway as "the guy who opens doors, carries the bags for women, and makes sure they feel protected. It's a very endearing quality."

Second on the studly list is John Stamos of ABC's Jake in Progress and formerly of Full House.

Also on the list: Jared Padalecki from Supernatural, David Boreanaz (Bones), Wentworth Miller (Prison Break'), Eddie Cibrian (Invasion), Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy), Shemar Moore (Criminal Minds) and Tom Welling (Smallville).

(c) 2006, The Philadelphia Inquirer.

Broken

What didn't I do this weekend? I attended no cultural events. I did not hang out with the popular, the famous, nor the fabulous crowd. I did not spend the weekend in all the best clubs to be seen, or to dance. I did not have amazingly kinky, amazingly vanilla, nor amazingly mind-blowing sex with two, three, four, or a room full of people. I did not go sky-diving, nor DJ, nor travel to an exotic local. I did not see Jake Gyllenhaal naked (shameless search engine seeding which I stole from someone else, sorry).

So what did I do this past weekend? Since Thursday, all of my time has been involved with what I do for a living. I was writing code. Fabulously exciting, no? Well to most of you no, but I am a geek and I get a real rush out of it. It's what I love to do and I get a real sense of creativity and accomplishment. I have often spent hours and hours at home slaving over code.

So that's what I did this weekend. Until Sunday. When the BF said it was time to get off of my ass (and that is a direct quote) and do something physical. Of course I thought that meant that the shades would be closed, candles lit, and Barry White on the cd player. I should know better by now. He didn't tell me what he had planned, but he told me just to throw on jeans and a t-shirt, and off we went. To the park. Where his friends were. Playing football.

For the first half hour or so I was actually having fun. It felt good to be out, and getting fresh air. And being around a lot of testosterone was doing wonders for my psyche. Until I made the mistake. I caught the ball. I started to instinctively run. I was on top of the world. I had the ball and I was the star receiver heading down the field for an amazing touchdown. I knew exactly what little victory dance I was going to do once I crossed the line that was our makeshift goal. I could hear the roar of the crowd as I ran! I was pumped! I was in The Zone! I was knocked unconscious.

I'm going to spare you the agonizing details of what it feels like to not be able to breathe. Nor am I going to explain the excruciating pain it is to have your shoulder put back into its socket.

There I am, feeling the closest to death I have ever come and survived, not sure if I should throw up everything I have eaten in the last 24 hours, or whether to just pass out from pain and exhaustion. And one of his friends, one of his early-twenties-friends, says loud enough for me to hear, "I hope I'm never in that bad shape when I get old like him".

If I had had the strength, it would have been justifiable homicide.

Karma

Thank you all for the comments on the last post. Quite honestly, I didn't even hesitate on what I did. I deleted the voicemail. I had long ago removed his number from my phone. And afterwards, I thought about the second option. For a while now.

I think Moby really hit it (No I mean my feelings about the issue, not the guy, although I did want to hit it at the time). Here's what he said:

option 1. You don't need the drama in your life and calling him would only (serve) to create drama. You also keep your karma intact by not being ugly while giving him a dose of his own medicine at the same time.

Should he call again, politely advise him, you've moved on and the moment has been more than lost. Politely say goodbye after asking him not to call you again.

I'm a closet buddhist in spirit. When Kirk died, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to live better. I am not always perfect. Hell, I am rarely perfect. But I don't beat myself up over it. I try to keep my Karma clean, my chi clean, and my house clean. And much as I want to, as Jen would say, rip him several new assholes, I can't. It's just not my style.

But when I was a young strapping lad working in the clubs, drama was my Mamma. Boy am I glad those days are long gone.

There are quite a few guys like that guy out there. Unfortunately. I pray that none of you have to deal with them. I've always been a magnet for bad boys, jerks, controllers, and users. But now I've found a prince. And I truly believe it's because I changed myself.

For that guy that called I just truly have one thing to say. Karma can be a mean bitch. But I'm not. Anymore.