I can't get it up

Yeah well it's not my fault. If my BF would leave me alone for awhile I might have gotten the server up.

I'm trying to install WordPress, and for someone that does software for a living, I have to tell these developers - If you make it idiot-proof, only I will use it.

So we're just going to keep chatting here for a bit longer.

So. What's new. Hmmm. Well, we opened the house at the shore this weekend. There's lot's to talk about there. The Season is here and I am ecstatic! More this week....

I saw Ms. Novak this weekend too. There's a surf stroll talk coming too...

Mikey's having a birthday! Go over and wish him well --> Temporary Trouble Spots

Well I have to get back to work on this software. It's hard to get it up. Some days anyway.

Patience my pretty

So where has Joey been?

Well it's going to be a wee bit longer. Joey has been working on his new site! My own domain. My own server. Hittin' the big time. Movin' on up. To the East Side. A dee-lux server in the sky-i-i.

So go check out the lovely folks on the blogroll, and come back here Memorial Day for instructions on how to find the further adventures of me, my guy, my dog, my too cute to be straight neighbor, and life in general.

See you cats on the flip side!!!

ps: WordPress or Moveable Type? or some other CMS? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

pps: Stephen, congratulations on your Tony nomination!!!! Woohoo! You go boy!

How I Spent My Easter Vacation (Part3) , by Joey

I was holding on to his legs but there wasn't an ounce of anything other than fear. He was moving around a lot above me, and the ladder was shaking like crazy. Not a big fan of heights, I was hanging on to him more out of sheer panic than anything else.

Then it happened. HSNB's ass was glowing. A light was shining around it like a halo. Now one would think in a situation like this, that a miracle was occurring. Well it was sort of a miracle I guess. One of our neighbors had seen what was going on, and came out with a flashlight. The miracle was that it was him, and not the police.

"You guys need some help?" the neighbor asked.

Over the course of the next few minutes, this neighbor had produced a screwdriver and a t-shirt for HSNB. He was able to climb the ladder himself, and pull out the screen using only the screwdriver (Sigh. I'll never be butch). HSNB was able to get into his house, take his insulin, and put on a pair of shorts.

The three of us sat in his living room, while he told the story to our neighbor (who even now a week later laughs his head off everytime he sees HSNB). The neighbor finally left, and HSNB drifted off to sleep on his couch. Once I knew he was settled, I left as well. Better to let sleeping princes lie.

How I Spent My Easter Vacation (Part2) , by Joey

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was standing outside a mostly naked Hot Straight Neighbor Boy's townhouse at about 4 in the morning on Easter Sunday, about to commit the crime of Breaking and Entering...

"You want to do what? Are you crazy? How the hell are we going to break into your house?” I asked, thinking at any moment now I would wake up safe in my own bed.

"Well I never lock my bedroom windows. You just need to climb up, pull out the screen, and slide right in to my bedroom," he replied. The look on his face was as if he had just casually mentioned how nice the weather was. A thousand thoughts were going through my mind at that moment. We're going to be killed. We're going to fall. The cops will come and shoot us off the side of the building. We'll...and then it hit me.

"What do you mean I'll climb up?"

"I can't climb up there. I'm only wearing underwear!” he retorted.

Considering the gravity of the situation, I did exactly what you would expect. I seemed to notice for the first time that evening, the brand of underwear he was wearing, and how nicely it fit. Hey just because I'm about to break into my neighbor's house doesn't mean I wasn't gay any longer! Of course I looked. Wouldn't you?

"Alright,” I said, "But how am I going to get up there?"

"You've got a ladder in your shed, remember?"

To make a long story short, I went over to my house and as quiet as I could, I retrieved my ladder. The fact that none of my neighbors woke up when I rammed it into the wall, or when I fell over the neighbor kid's sandbox (yelling words that would make my mother blush), is just amazing.

So at HSNB's direction, I got the ladder into position, and made the climb. Did I mention I'm afraid of heights? When I got up to the window, I realized that there is a screen in front of our windows and they can only be removed from inside the room. I called down to him in a stage whisper to let him know this. I looked down and he wasn't there.

Okay, I know I've watched too many horror movies, but at that moment I just knew he was dead down there somewhere and if I went back down the ladder there he would be. Dead on the ground. Blood everywhere. So I did exactly what the protagonist should do. I called his name, quietly so as to not waking anyone up. No answer. Then I felt the ladder shake and I realized someone was climbing up.

It was him of course. And he had a knife. No, wait, that isn't a knife. It's a small spade.

"Ummm. What are you doing?” I asked.

"I'm going to rip the screen."

Made sense to me. So I climbed down a few steps to let him have room at the top.

"I need to push in on the screen and try and cut it with the other, so can you hold on to my legs"

So there I am. 4am. Easter Sunday. In the Dark. On a ladder. Breaking into a house. Holding on to a very hot man's naked legs, his ass inches from my face. And that's when it happened...

to be continued

How I Spent My Easter Vacation, by Joey

"Oh Lover, I'll cover you..." (pretentious cell phone ringtone)

"Mmmfph-lo", I grunted, answering the phone.

"Joey, I need your help. Were you up?” the voice said, way too loudly, in my not yet truly functioning ear.

"Who is this?” I asked, looking at the clock, my brain making the connection that those numbers meant it was still the middle of the night.

"It's HSNB, can you come pick me up?"

Thoughts start racing as the brain kicks into gear. Airport? Did I forget something? Accident? Hospital? If not, he will be for waking me up. Wait, maybe he's dead. Ummm. I need to stop watching Ghost Whisperer. "Where are you?"

"I'm at [address]. I don't have my keys. Can you come get me?” he said, the pleasing in his voice melting whatever anger I was feeling.

"Alright, I'll be there in about 20 minutes,” I said.

I hopped out of bed. Okay hopped may be too enthusiastic of a term for that time of night/morning. I guess stumbled would be more appropriate. I got dressed and headed out. He was in a neighboring town, not really close, but only about 15 minutes away. I didn't really recognize the address, but I found it without too much difficulty. I pull up to the curb outside of an apartment complex. I didn't see him anywhere. And all I can think is, I am going to kill him.

Just like a horror movie, he knocks on the passenger side rear window and I scream out. Scared the hell out of me. I unlocked the doors, and he climbs in. The first thing I notice is, he is only wearing underwear and shoes. Okay now this has become a scene out of a whole different movie.

He explained that he had gone back to this girl's apartment. He met her that night in a club, and she was "smokin' hot". I assume that is straight for very attractive. They got back to her place, had a drink, and were making out when she started to get a little rough. This part he seemed okay with. But when they got into the bedroom, from what I could piece together because he was talking very fast, she got a lot rough. And a lot freaky. I'll spare you all the details but there was hot wax, belts, and a knife involved.

He basically said no, but she kept pushing, then threatening, then started hitting him, and he ran out with just his shoes, his wallet, and his cell phone (which he always puts in his shoes he explained - I have learned not to question such things). When asked as to why he didn't get his other stuff, he explained she was throwing things, and breaking things, all the while screaming at him to - I'll translate for the more delicate of you - to kindly leave the premises immediately.

When we got back to our complex, I told him he could just stay at my place.

"I can't. I need my insulin," he said, "and it's in my house."

"But you left your keys behind, so we can't get it. In the morning we'll call a locksmith."

"No, I need it now; I'm feeling a little shaky. We'll have to break into my house."

At 3:30 in the morning. A Sunday morning. Easter Sunday morning. Why me? to be continued

Random thoughts...

Spent a lot of time over the past few days working on a new look and feel. I'm not sure I am happy with it yet, and I'll most likely be doing a lot more tweaking. But for now it is what it is.

I am moving over soon to my own server and off of Blogger and I've been doing prep work for that as well.

Other than that, my weekend was quite fun. The BF and I spent a lot of time working in and around the house. We seem to spend a lot of time nesting lately.

Most everyone knows I am from Pittsburgh originally, and being a hometown kind of guy, the Steelers will always be my favorite team. However, this weekend, the Philadelphia Eagles drafted three-time world champion skier Jeremy Bloom. Yup, that guy over there in the picture that we've all been drooling over for the past few years. He's a wide receiver (and doesn't that ellicit dirty thoughts) and return specialist who last played football for the University of Colorado in 2003. I may have to start watching the Eagles.

Anyone wanna hang out at training camp with me?

Muy Caliente

I don't care what any of you bitches say, this man is hot! He melts my buttah!!!

I know I'm always a little late to the dance, but if you haven't seen this yet, it's his new video. And if you have seen it, it's worth watching again!

There's even a little girl-on-girl action for our sisters, and our homosexually-challenged brothers (who I hear like that sort of thing).

This video sure does give a new meaning to "Got Milk"! And if anyone has pictures of that scene, please forward them to me. Yowsa.Ricky Martin Shirtless half naked

Ch Ch Changes

The first draft of the novel is finished!!! Like any creative type person I am going to do what should be done. I am stepping away from it for a bit to distance myself so I can come back fresh and do some constructive editing.

Speaking of construction, there's going to be some changes going on. So please forgive me for a bit longer. My friend Jason over there, and I, will be working with his construction crew for the next few days, so things are most likely going to look a bit wonky around here. It's all part of the migration over to my own server and domain.

I have lots of stories to tell of the past few weeks as well, that I haven't gotten a chance to write here. Especially my latest late night escapade with HSNB...

Stay tuned.

I want to be as wise as she

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

"But I just don't know what I should do," I said, while staring out at the constant crashing of the waves.

"What does your heart tell you Mr. Cusack," she replied, slightly squeezing my forearm.

I kicked at a shell in the surf, not sure if I was avoiding the answer or just unsure of what I truly felt. Finally, I turned to her and said, "I feel if I leave I am saying goodbye to all that was, and all that could be. And I am terrified of starting over, but maybe, well maybe that is what is best."

"You can't bring him back, whether you stay here, or whether you go. California is a wonderful place, and your ideal of endless summer may in fact be there. Moving there though will bring that ideal, but only in weather. Not in your heart dear boy.

And of course, there is the issue of your new beau. Is your desire to leave to truly forget the past, or to avoid your future?"

Miss Novak was right of course. After much thought and introspection over the next few days in that late spring month last year, I made the decision to not take the job, and stay put. And as they say, that has made all the difference.

My demons still haunt me, and I'm sure they always will. As much as we say we have moved on, there is always that little residual something there. And that's okay. It's just a part of what makes me, well, me.

If a year ago, you had said to me that I would be planning a wedding this year, I would have laughed.

I clearly remember the last thing she said to me that day before we moved on to other topics, "Remember Mr. Cusack, your destiny will be fulfilled wherever you are." And so it is.

I think I'll try defying gravity

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

Physical therapy has been going great. All of my parts are working as they should. Bruising is pretty much gone now which has been a big boost to my confidence and self-esteem. I am no longer taking any meds. Yippee!

The most important thing that has changed in the past two weeks is, well, somehow something sparked. I don't know if it was a muse, or the clear-headed thinking, or just dumb luck, but I've been writing again. That's why I haven't been waxing prophetic here so much.

And of course it's spring, and in spring a young man's fancy turns to, well, let's just say now that the casts are off and the body is working well, a certain young man who lives in my house has gotten repayment for all of his tender care. Often. TeeHee.

Okay why am I hanging around here with you mugs? I have chapters to write, and a boyfriend to, ummm, wake up.

An observation

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

"Writers are observers of the human condition."

That's something a professor of mine once said. It's long stuck with me. Being an actor (well I used to be, it's been a while), I always thought that was true of us as well.

So what made that stick in my head?

The blogosphere lost an excellent writer this week. A young man with lots of talent, heart, soul, and a keen insight to the human condition. His reasons for no longer putting his thoughts out onto public display are extremely noble, decidely understandable, and definitely commendable.

Life is what happens. Blogs are what happens when life is observed, and chronicled. When the blog moves past its purpose of life observation, and becomes life intrusion, then the writer by all means should go dark. But that does not mean the writer should not write. It just means the writer need not share publicly.

I have thought of just such a thing many times. It is sometimes difficult to share these deeply personal things that we do. As I've said before, I don't post publicly everyday, and I only share those things that I choose. But I chronicle my life each and every day in a private journal. The things that happen to me that I choose to share, I usually try to spin humorously, to entertain. And in some way, to just reach out to other humans like me who share this preternatural condition of loving someone of the same gender.

I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here. Not everyday. But as often as I feel the need to reach out. For as long as observation does not become intrusion.

And to my fellow blogger who has chosen to now remain private, I wish you all the best that life can bring you, and hope that you enjoy the ride. You have conquered much. You have found love. Nurture it. And please, even if it is just a private journal, never ever stop writing.

I'm not a perfect person

Doctor: I also think it would be good for you to see a therapist. It will help you heal much faster.

Me: Oooooo-kay.

So on Doctor's orders I made an appointment to see my therapist. He only slightly lectured me for not seeing him in over a year, but I really haven't felt the need. True, I have gone to see a therapist in the past, and this therapist in particular when Kirk died, but I feel like I have dealt well with life since then. Until now. And even this isn't that hard to handle, really. I mean, the only reason the man is seeing me now is because the Doctor ordered it.

So we talked for the hour. I sure didn't have to spell it out for him as to why the accident upset me. All in all it was a good session, and basically I came out of it knowing that I was already on the right track, even though I won't discuss the accident with anyone other than him and the BF, which is not totally healthy but acceptable according to the therapist.

So, feeling much better, I went back to my primary care guy...

Doctor: Everything is coming along nicely. Have you been to therapy.

Me: Yes I went on Friday.

Doctor: And has it helped.

Me: Well, yeah, it didn't hurt.

Doctor: Well that's a great sign. There's nothing in your chart. I must not have gotten the report on that yet.

Me: Ummm. I didn't realize you would get a report on that.

Doctor: No problem. I'll have the nurse call them. Did you go to Bryn Mawr Rehab, or Mainline Sports & OT?

Me: Neither. I went to see Dr. Steinberg.

Doctor: Which Physical Therapy is he with?

Me: Ummm. None.....You said therapist, so I just assumed...


And on my to do list today:
1. Find new Primary Care Physician.
2. Discuss with Therapist feelings of wanting to inflict bodily harm on Doctors who laugh at you.

Day 3

I feel lost, disoriented, alone. Things that I have taken for granted, especially the last couple of weeks, I am now painfully aware of. He left me on Sunday, and I am not coping well.

I am a fiercely independent person. It was a learned behavior. I didn't start out that way, but after years of being an enabler and being taken advantage of, I learned to not need anyone else to take care of me.

When I asked BF to move in, it was with great trepidation. I didn't want to lose my independence. I didn't want to lose my alone time. I enjoy those times where I could just come home and lock my door and forget the rest of the world exists.

But his being here has been anything but a problem. If anything, the house stayed cleaner, laundry has been done on a more regular basis, and even the dog seemed happier.

Now I am a semi-invalid. A leg in a cast, an arm in a cast, ribs that hurt when I breathe, among other things. I had gotten used to him nursing me. I was used to him doing all of the things I can't right now. I was used to him picking up the things that I drop and can't bend down to pick up. I was used to him, well, you know. The cast prevents me from handling that myself. I miss him terribly, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I am lost.

Thank God he'll be back on Friday. I'm down to my last pair of clean underwear.

Step by step

Again, thank you for the kind comments, thoughts, and well wishes. They are appreciated far more than you know.

Fact is, it is a sometimes difficult road back. But not unsurmountable, and not as bad as it could have been.

I have sat down numerous times to write/discuss what happened but for several reasons, I just can't.

For one, those of you who have been around for awhile know what happened in the past that added to the trauma. And second, I really didn't want to write an entry that would have seemed to intentionally elicit a lot of Poor Joey comments.

I am going through physical therapy and it has helped immensely. My physical therapist is, well, quite honestly, so frelling hot I can't concentrate on my routine. Yowsa!

I am no longer on any pain medication, and I returned to work this week. I have a really cool new car too. And my guy is a rock. He has put up with a lot over the last couple of weeks, and has proven to be an accomplished nurse. And did I mention he is quite creative when it comes to taking care of all of my needs? ;)

So see, it's not so bad. A lot of good things have happened along the way. And Isn't that what life is all about? Taking the journey and experiencing every thing that life has to offer?

It's coming

Summer. It's coming. The long dark will soon be over. Everything will be as it is meant to be. The sun will blaze golden. Shirtless boys will appear in the park, blazing golden. My spirit will blaze golden.

Lifeguards with golden tans will appear on the beaches. Children will play in the surf mixing the crash of the waves with their squeals and laughter.

The man I love, with all my heart, will continue to prove I can move outside my comfort zone by making me do new things. Like surfing.

Everything will be healed. And my spirit?

Miss Novak and Mr. Cusack will again stroll at the water's edge, pondering life's mysteries.

Crash, The Movie

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

Crash was a wonderful movie, and so was Brokeback Mountain. Crash should and will most likely take the Oscar.

Crash is not only a movie. It's also the reason for my absence of late.

The good news is that there will be no permanent damage. The bad news is, I have a number of things broken. Bones, my lovely car, and my spirit. I thought the shoulder pain was bad - heh that was nuthin.

Details will follow, but suffice it to say, I am doing okay. I'm mending. My car, eventually will be mended. My spirit is going to take some time.

Public Service Announcement

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, regular posting has been interrupted. Service will be restored this weekend. In the meantime, please enjoy the view from Joey's bed.

Love hurts

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. As I’ve said, I’m so wrapped up in work right now, I’m not even sure what day it is. That’s about to change, as soon as this project wraps up. Hopefully by then it will be spring. And I won’t be in pain.

I guess I should go back a few days, and tell you about my birthday. Where did we leave off? Ah yes, the morning...

I went downstairs to get my morning coffee. There on the counter is a massive arrangement of flowers. Reds, blues, yellows, whites. Colors that together brought back an instant memory of a warm day and a sea breeze. These were summer flowers. Summer flowers. Just like the arrangement I had bought and brought back to the shore house the first time we were there together.

In front of the vase, was a small plain card. Written on it in beautiful script was one simple phrase. Prepare for an evening of seduction. Oh he’s good!

Once at work, I sped through a day filled with the normal mundane meetings and intense coding sessions with my door closed. I finally left the office a little after 6, later than I had planned, but earlier than most days.

At home, everything was perfect. Scented candles, romantic music, and a meal meant to be eaten with our fingers. When asked if I liked my birthday, I responded that it was all very lovely and thoughtful, but I was feeling very old. He had been waiting for me to say it. I could tell he had been planning for that moment all day.

“I’m going to prove to you, that you are not old.”

He blew out the candles, turned off the music, and went upstairs. His clothes were coming off one by one on the way. I sat there for a few minutes not wanting to give in. I was tired. I felt old. I had work to do. I wasn’t sure I was up for this. I ran upstairs as fast as I could.

What follows is a blur. I remember candles. I remember oils. I remember neckties. I remember sensations not felt before. I remember things seen only on the Discovery channel.

And I remember falling off the bed. Onto my shoulder. Yes that shoulder. And I remember screaming. I am truly convinced this boy is trying to kill me.

My wish? Eternal Summer

The sun was extremely hot on the beach, but we didn't seem to mind. With my eyes closed I could hear all of the sounds around me; the gulls, the people laughing and enjoying themselves, and the pounding surf. I looked at him and was filled with an explosive amount of love and desire. He was so beautiful. I kissed him. Right there. His lips tasted like the salt of the ocean. And he returned my kiss with the force of the sea. I heard this horrible clanging noise, and I couldn't tell if it was the ice cream vendor, or the lifeguard on his chair annoyed at what we were doing. The noise increased in intensity as did the intensity of our kiss. I wanted to savor that moment and the taste of him and the ocean forever, but it was being interrupted by that piercing clanging noise which kept getting louder and louder. Our lips suddenly broke from each other and Jake said, "You have the most annoying alarm clock in the world." And I woke up.

Thoughts streaming. His arm around me. Remembering the 20 plus inches of snow outside, and the heat of the sun and us in my dream. Day? What day? Ugh. Tuesday. Have to go to work. I slide out from under his arm, and out of the bed, feet hit the floor. As I stand and stretch it hits me like a freight train - it's Valentine's Day. It's my frakking birthday. And there's a zero in the number. And I am suddenly very old. I want to go back to the beach. To the sun. To Jake. To our lips. To youth.

Scattered

Deadlines, everywhere. Demands on my time, everywhere. Adjusting to living full time with the BF, confusing and time-consuming.

Of course you would think having him live with me now would be easy and interesting as our selves meld together. But I have been so swamped, and my brain has been so filled with all of the other demands on me right now, I really haven't had much time to think about it.

Last night I was working late. Okay really late. And I didn't crawl into bed until 1:30am. I am normally asleep by 10pm at the very latest. And I got up earlier as well, because I had to get stuff done prior to a presentation this morning. Total sleep = 3 hours, 45 minutes.

I woke up and went through my morning ritual. Showered, dressed, and ran out the door. On the drive in I kept thinking there was something just odd. I couldn't really place it, and I thought it was just the lack of sleep getting the best of me.

Got to work and got busy. But I kept feeling uncomfortable and I wasn't sure why. After a pot of coffee, I had to go drain off the excess. I go in the bathroom, open my pants, and suddenly realized why I was out-of-sorts and uncomfortable. I am freeballin'. I have gone commando. The ballroom doors are wide open. I am not wearing any underwear.

In my haste and sleep deprivation, I have skipped an important task of the morning routine. In my presentation all I can think about is the fact that I have no underwear on. Can they tell? Does it show?

And now here I sit. And every time I move, the boys are feeling squished. They miss their support!

And I have at least 6 hours to go before I get home.