An observation

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

"Writers are observers of the human condition."

That's something a professor of mine once said. It's long stuck with me. Being an actor (well I used to be, it's been a while), I always thought that was true of us as well.

So what made that stick in my head?

The blogosphere lost an excellent writer this week. A young man with lots of talent, heart, soul, and a keen insight to the human condition. His reasons for no longer putting his thoughts out onto public display are extremely noble, decidely understandable, and definitely commendable.

Life is what happens. Blogs are what happens when life is observed, and chronicled. When the blog moves past its purpose of life observation, and becomes life intrusion, then the writer by all means should go dark. But that does not mean the writer should not write. It just means the writer need not share publicly.

I have thought of just such a thing many times. It is sometimes difficult to share these deeply personal things that we do. As I've said before, I don't post publicly everyday, and I only share those things that I choose. But I chronicle my life each and every day in a private journal. The things that happen to me that I choose to share, I usually try to spin humorously, to entertain. And in some way, to just reach out to other humans like me who share this preternatural condition of loving someone of the same gender.

I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here. Not everyday. But as often as I feel the need to reach out. For as long as observation does not become intrusion.

And to my fellow blogger who has chosen to now remain private, I wish you all the best that life can bring you, and hope that you enjoy the ride. You have conquered much. You have found love. Nurture it. And please, even if it is just a private journal, never ever stop writing.

I'm not a perfect person

Doctor: I also think it would be good for you to see a therapist. It will help you heal much faster.

Me: Oooooo-kay.

So on Doctor's orders I made an appointment to see my therapist. He only slightly lectured me for not seeing him in over a year, but I really haven't felt the need. True, I have gone to see a therapist in the past, and this therapist in particular when Kirk died, but I feel like I have dealt well with life since then. Until now. And even this isn't that hard to handle, really. I mean, the only reason the man is seeing me now is because the Doctor ordered it.

So we talked for the hour. I sure didn't have to spell it out for him as to why the accident upset me. All in all it was a good session, and basically I came out of it knowing that I was already on the right track, even though I won't discuss the accident with anyone other than him and the BF, which is not totally healthy but acceptable according to the therapist.

So, feeling much better, I went back to my primary care guy...

Doctor: Everything is coming along nicely. Have you been to therapy.

Me: Yes I went on Friday.

Doctor: And has it helped.

Me: Well, yeah, it didn't hurt.

Doctor: Well that's a great sign. There's nothing in your chart. I must not have gotten the report on that yet.

Me: Ummm. I didn't realize you would get a report on that.

Doctor: No problem. I'll have the nurse call them. Did you go to Bryn Mawr Rehab, or Mainline Sports & OT?

Me: Neither. I went to see Dr. Steinberg.

Doctor: Which Physical Therapy is he with?

Me: Ummm. None.....You said therapist, so I just assumed...


And on my to do list today:
1. Find new Primary Care Physician.
2. Discuss with Therapist feelings of wanting to inflict bodily harm on Doctors who laugh at you.

Day 3

I feel lost, disoriented, alone. Things that I have taken for granted, especially the last couple of weeks, I am now painfully aware of. He left me on Sunday, and I am not coping well.

I am a fiercely independent person. It was a learned behavior. I didn't start out that way, but after years of being an enabler and being taken advantage of, I learned to not need anyone else to take care of me.

When I asked BF to move in, it was with great trepidation. I didn't want to lose my independence. I didn't want to lose my alone time. I enjoy those times where I could just come home and lock my door and forget the rest of the world exists.

But his being here has been anything but a problem. If anything, the house stayed cleaner, laundry has been done on a more regular basis, and even the dog seemed happier.

Now I am a semi-invalid. A leg in a cast, an arm in a cast, ribs that hurt when I breathe, among other things. I had gotten used to him nursing me. I was used to him doing all of the things I can't right now. I was used to him picking up the things that I drop and can't bend down to pick up. I was used to him, well, you know. The cast prevents me from handling that myself. I miss him terribly, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I am lost.

Thank God he'll be back on Friday. I'm down to my last pair of clean underwear.

Step by step

Again, thank you for the kind comments, thoughts, and well wishes. They are appreciated far more than you know.

Fact is, it is a sometimes difficult road back. But not unsurmountable, and not as bad as it could have been.

I have sat down numerous times to write/discuss what happened but for several reasons, I just can't.

For one, those of you who have been around for awhile know what happened in the past that added to the trauma. And second, I really didn't want to write an entry that would have seemed to intentionally elicit a lot of Poor Joey comments.

I am going through physical therapy and it has helped immensely. My physical therapist is, well, quite honestly, so frelling hot I can't concentrate on my routine. Yowsa!

I am no longer on any pain medication, and I returned to work this week. I have a really cool new car too. And my guy is a rock. He has put up with a lot over the last couple of weeks, and has proven to be an accomplished nurse. And did I mention he is quite creative when it comes to taking care of all of my needs? ;)

So see, it's not so bad. A lot of good things have happened along the way. And Isn't that what life is all about? Taking the journey and experiencing every thing that life has to offer?

It's coming

Summer. It's coming. The long dark will soon be over. Everything will be as it is meant to be. The sun will blaze golden. Shirtless boys will appear in the park, blazing golden. My spirit will blaze golden.

Lifeguards with golden tans will appear on the beaches. Children will play in the surf mixing the crash of the waves with their squeals and laughter.

The man I love, with all my heart, will continue to prove I can move outside my comfort zone by making me do new things. Like surfing.

Everything will be healed. And my spirit?

Miss Novak and Mr. Cusack will again stroll at the water's edge, pondering life's mysteries.

Crash, The Movie

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

Crash was a wonderful movie, and so was Brokeback Mountain. Crash should and will most likely take the Oscar.

Crash is not only a movie. It's also the reason for my absence of late.

The good news is that there will be no permanent damage. The bad news is, I have a number of things broken. Bones, my lovely car, and my spirit. I thought the shoulder pain was bad - heh that was nuthin.

Details will follow, but suffice it to say, I am doing okay. I'm mending. My car, eventually will be mended. My spirit is going to take some time.