Saturday, November 20, 2004

Stop the Madness...

No not the Republican Administration. On my lovely commute ( otherwise known as "that which sucks the life right out of me"), I was flipping channels on the radio trying to find some sort of music when I stopped on something hauntingly familiar. Yes, several radio stations in the Philadelphia area have decided to start playing Christmas music all ready. All day. All night. In stereo. I have it on very good authority that this began right after Halloween.

This made me think about how I would be spending the holidays alone. Well family will be involved, but there will be none of the "couple" festivities. Since I have spent many years handling all of this, I thought I would share some advice, over several posts. Hence I bring you.... The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays. Part the First - Shopping for Family.

Now it is quite well known that we Guppies have what is known as "disposable income". For the single gay man, there is even more since we don't have to buy gifts for a siginificant other. How do we spend all of that extra cash. It's simple. Two words. "Sibling revenge". Do you have brothers or sisters? Did they, while growing up, find the greatest joy in life was to make your life miserable? Do they now think the greatest joy in life is to make you an Uncle (I think they refer to it as - procreating)?

Well here is the best advice of all that I can give you for this entire holiday season. Spend lots of money on your nieces and nephews. Lots. Buy things you know they will enjoy. Like a nice new drumset. Or an electric guitar. Or lots of those nice new versions of toys that stelch all creativity and original thought by making sounds on their own, like fire trucks and race cars. Getting the idea? The louder or noisier the toy/gift, the greater the reward and satisfaction for you! Your siblings will just adore you for this, he said with a smirk and evil grin. Last year, I bought them all Karaoke machines. Now there's a gift that keeps on giving!

Oh and don't forget that not only do you want to spur the Sibling Spawn's musical growth, but you should encourage them to explore art as well. Non-washable markers, finger paints, bead kits, tye dye, and that perennial favorite Play Doh (that sticks in carpets and dries to become a permanent addition to the pattern) make awesome gifts that will expand their creative brains.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my brothers and sisters. And the looks on their faces when they remember back to when I said at age 11, "Someday I'll get you back, just you wait".

Ah, the holidays. They really can be a time of joy for the single man!

Part two coming soon...