Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I want to be as wise as she

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.
"But I just don't know what I should do," I said, while staring out at the constant crashing of the waves.

"What does your heart tell you Mr. Cusack," she replied, slightly squeezing my forearm.

I kicked at a shell in the surf, not sure if I was avoiding the answer or just unsure of what I truly felt. Finally, I turned to her and said, "I feel if I leave I am saying goodbye to all that was, and all that could be. And I am terrified of starting over, but maybe, well maybe that is what is best."

"You can't bring him back, whether you stay here, or whether you go. California is a wonderful place, and your ideal of endless summer may in fact be there. Moving there though will bring that ideal, but only in weather. Not in your heart dear boy.

And of course, there is the issue of your new beau. Is your desire to leave to truly forget the past, or to avoid your future?"

Miss Novak was right of course. After much thought and introspection over the next few days in that late spring month last year, I made the decision to not take the job, and stay put. And as they say, that has made all the difference.

My demons still haunt me, and I'm sure they always will. As much as we say we have moved on, there is always that little residual something there. And that's okay. It's just a part of what makes me, well, me.

If a year ago, you had said to me that I would be planning a wedding this year, I would have laughed.

I clearly remember the last thing she said to me that day before we moved on to other topics, "Remember Mr. Cusack, your destiny will be fulfilled wherever you are." And so it is.