"You want to do what? Are you crazy? How the hell are we going to break into your house?” I asked, thinking at any moment now I would wake up safe in my own bed.
"Well I never lock my bedroom windows. You just need to climb up, pull out the screen, and slide right in to my bedroom," he replied. The look on his face was as if he had just casually mentioned how nice the weather was. A thousand thoughts were going through my mind at that moment. We're going to be killed. We're going to fall. The cops will come and shoot us off the side of the building. We'll...and then it hit me.
"What do you mean I'll climb up?"
"I can't climb up there. I'm only wearing underwear!” he retorted.
Considering the gravity of the situation, I did exactly what you would expect. I seemed to notice for the first time that evening, the brand of underwear he was wearing, and how nicely it fit. Hey just because I'm about to break into my neighbor's house doesn't mean I wasn't gay any longer! Of course I looked. Wouldn't you?
"Alright,” I said, "But how am I going to get up there?"
"You've got a ladder in your shed, remember?"
To make a long story short, I went over to my house and as quiet as I could, I retrieved my ladder. The fact that none of my neighbors woke up when I rammed it into the wall, or when I fell over the neighbor kid's sandbox (yelling words that would make my mother blush), is just amazing.
So at HSNB's direction, I got the ladder into position, and made the climb. Did I mention I'm afraid of heights? When I got up to the window, I realized that there is a screen in front of our windows and they can only be removed from inside the room. I called down to him in a stage whisper to let him know this. I looked down and he wasn't there.
Okay, I know I've watched too many horror movies, but at that moment I just knew he was dead down there somewhere and if I went back down the ladder there he would be. Dead on the ground. Blood everywhere. So I did exactly what the protagonist should do. I called his name, quietly so as to not waking anyone up. No answer. Then I felt the ladder shake and I realized someone was climbing up.
It was him of course. And he had a knife. No, wait, that isn't a knife. It's a small spade.
"Ummm. What are you doing?” I asked.
"I'm going to rip the screen."
Made sense to me. So I climbed down a few steps to let him have room at the top.
"I need to push in on the screen and try and cut it with the other, so can you hold on to my legs"
So there I am. 4am. Easter Sunday. In the Dark. On a ladder. Breaking into a house. Holding on to a very hot man's naked legs, his ass inches from my face. And that's when it happened...
to be continued
