Thursday, December 09, 2004

The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays - Part Three

Everyone hates shopping during the holidays. And speaking from experience when I was just a young thing, everyone who works in the stores hate it too. Except for the mall queens. You know who you are. So over the years I have refined and perfected the perfect methods on how to get in, get what you want, and get out. Now if I could just get my love life so refined!

First, never ever shop during the holidays under the influence of – well – anything. There was a time that a cocktail or twelve would make shopping just oh so much more endurable. But I learned a basic economic principle from those days, the amount of cash spent increases exponentially as to the amount of alcohol consumed. As much as you are dying to suck down that holiday libation – fugehdaboudit.

Second, the breeders are going to annoy you. It is a fact of life, and you must learn to just overlook them and realize that they have the right to be there too. Yes, you do have more money, education, and innate nature to accessorize, and they will never be at your level. Revel in the fact that you are fabulous and higher in the food chain. Stick your nose a bit higher in the air. Ignore them. However, mothers with strollers are fair game. You may do what ever you need to get them out of your way. You may channel the dark side of your personality – the trailer living, roller derby-watching white trash inside of you. That brings us to cute daddies with strollers. Ummm. That’s another blog entry entirely.

Third, how to establish possession. You see in front of you the last of the item that Someone-On-Your-List must have or you will not be able to live it down. You reach to grab it, and all of a sudden Susie Walmart has pushed you out of the way and grabbed it first. You have several options here. Feel free to perform the one you are most comfortable with. They have all been known to yield a perfect result:

Option one – yank her by the hair, snatch it back, and run.

Option two – grab her arm (and/or the item if you can reach it) and start to cry. Loudly. Louder than her kid who is already crying. Do not let go of her/it. Start screaming for your Mommy, explaining how the mean woman took your whatever. Trust me, she will back off.

Option three is actually a variation on option two. After grabbing it/her, in your best little kid voice, tell her how pretty she is, ask her if she is your mommy, wait a few seconds, and the ask if she has seen your mommy, and then start to tear up and sniffle. Keep tugging on her arm if she starts to back away. Continue asking where your mommy is, each time increasing your volume.

Option four – shock treatment. You may not even have to grab her or the item. Just look at her and say in a very loud voice one of two things: “Hey, aren’t you Jessica’s girlfriend? I can’t believe the two of you were practically naked making out right out in the open in (insert name of infamous local gay bar) the other night. I guess that’s what the straight people mean by hot girl-on-girl action!” Or – this works even better: “Hey I recognize you! You’re the woman in the picture on the nightstand the other night when I was sucking that hot married guy’s dick!” Trust. She will drop and run. Unless you are actually in a WalMart in which case she may pull out a gun and shoot you.

Ah, the holidays. I just love shopping!