The only word I can think of to describe my mood now that Christmas is over and NYE approaches, is. Conflicted.

I could spend NYE at home, curled up on the coach, watching movies, eating popcorn, drinking hot chocolate. And be ever so happy.

Or I could throw on the tux, hit the club, looking as handsome as is possible for someone like me, talk to "my boys", and stagger home passing out on same said couch. And be ever so miserable.

Le sigh.

Dearest Santa,

I truly desire nothing for myself this year, other than Steve Sandvoss. So instead of bringing gifts for me (other than Steve) please bring the following for my fellow bloggers:

For Brian, a handsome romantic intelligent man who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities. And customers for his awesome photography business.

For Jim, please bring him very rich customers on Christmas who will make him extremely well endowed - with tips. And drop off some candles and massage oils to his lucky guy, so he can massage his tired feet, and pamper him when he gets home.

For Matthew, please bring him videotape. He knows what to do with it.

For Hot Toddy, please bring him a handsome romantic intelligent man who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities. But not the same one as you bring for Brian. Unless they are actually twins. Oh wait. If they are twins, then just drop them at my house.

For Thomas, please bring him his handsome romantic intelligent Prince who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities, and may they live happily ever after, in their lovely castle with the white picketed moat. Wish I was a Prince!

For Homer, please bring him a handsome romantic intelligent male nurse who will minister to his every need as he heals from his surgery.

For Riley, please bring him a job that pays well enough that he doesn't need to work two jobs. And a handsome romantic intelligent man who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities.

For Alan and Brian, well they are already handsome and romantic and intelligent. Please bring them many more years of peace and love.

And just in case Santa, you don't remember what Steve looks like:

Please wrap him. I love unwrapping presents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've had a lot to say. I really have. But the carefree, life couldn't be better guy that dispensed all that advice, forgot to dispense some to himself. Had I been posting this past week I would have been maudlin and, well, not much fun. Let's face it, would you really want to read that kind of crap at this time of year? I'm sure those of you who have read what happened this summer can read between the lines and figure out what the deal is.

So, onward to elfishness. I'm dropping the sack cloth, throwing on my best jock strap, and facing the rest of the holidays like there was no tomorrow! Trust.

Or as Jen said - Get Merry Mary!!!

The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays - Part Four

Put. The. Cookies. Down!

Yes it's that time of year when everyone and their Mother brings cookies, candies, and every other Atkins-Unfriendly thing to work. They will try to shove them down your throat. They will tease you, and cajole you with talk of pleasures beyond your wildest dream - just like a two dollar ho downtown. And we all know what would come of that!

Just remember, every bite is another two hours at the gym. Did you spend all year denying yourself, and sweating up a storm, just to throw it away for that succulent plate of peanut butter bars and Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip?

Oh sure, you have to taste them because you don't want to hurt their feelings. Put it in your mouth, take a bite, mumble something about a meeting, run to the Men's Room and do your best Mary Kate impression. Spit it out honey! I know you have the natural reflex to swallow, ummm, yeah, anyway, PURGE!!!!

The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays - Part Three

Everyone hates shopping during the holidays. And speaking from experience when I was just a young thing, everyone who works in the stores hate it too. Except for the mall queens. You know who you are. So over the years I have refined and perfected the perfect methods on how to get in, get what you want, and get out. Now if I could just get my love life so refined!

First, never ever shop during the holidays under the influence of – well – anything. There was a time that a cocktail or twelve would make shopping just oh so much more endurable. But I learned a basic economic principle from those days, the amount of cash spent increases exponentially as to the amount of alcohol consumed. As much as you are dying to suck down that holiday libation – fugehdaboudit.

Second, the breeders are going to annoy you. It is a fact of life, and you must learn to just overlook them and realize that they have the right to be there too. Yes, you do have more money, education, and innate nature to accessorize, and they will never be at your level. Revel in the fact that you are fabulous and higher in the food chain. Stick your nose a bit higher in the air. Ignore them. However, mothers with strollers are fair game. You may do what ever you need to get them out of your way. You may channel the dark side of your personality – the trailer living, roller derby-watching white trash inside of you. That brings us to cute daddies with strollers. Ummm. That’s another blog entry entirely.

Third, how to establish possession. You see in front of you the last of the item that Someone-On-Your-List must have or you will not be able to live it down. You reach to grab it, and all of a sudden Susie Walmart has pushed you out of the way and grabbed it first. You have several options here. Feel free to perform the one you are most comfortable with. They have all been known to yield a perfect result:

Option one – yank her by the hair, snatch it back, and run.

Option two – grab her arm (and/or the item if you can reach it) and start to cry. Loudly. Louder than her kid who is already crying. Do not let go of her/it. Start screaming for your Mommy, explaining how the mean woman took your whatever. Trust me, she will back off.

Option three is actually a variation on option two. After grabbing it/her, in your best little kid voice, tell her how pretty she is, ask her if she is your mommy, wait a few seconds, and the ask if she has seen your mommy, and then start to tear up and sniffle. Keep tugging on her arm if she starts to back away. Continue asking where your mommy is, each time increasing your volume.

Option four – shock treatment. You may not even have to grab her or the item. Just look at her and say in a very loud voice one of two things: “Hey, aren’t you Jessica’s girlfriend? I can’t believe the two of you were practically naked making out right out in the open in (insert name of infamous local gay bar) the other night. I guess that’s what the straight people mean by hot girl-on-girl action!” Or – this works even better: “Hey I recognize you! You’re the woman in the picture on the nightstand the other night when I was sucking that hot married guy’s dick!” Trust. She will drop and run. Unless you are actually in a WalMart in which case she may pull out a gun and shoot you.

Ah, the holidays. I just love shopping!

Do you like Hot Guys? Hot guys with power tools?

I am a huge fan of TLC's "In A Fix". I never miss an episode. Just watching these hot hunks gifted craftsmen sweating working away at demolition, then using their lickable biceps power tools awesome pecs is almost more than I can bare drooling all over.

It always amazes me how they can do all that do me now in just three days take as long as you want daddy. It really inspires me to get a grip on myself on getting those projects done around the house.

Do you watch the show? Do you wonder what they look like under all of those sweaty clothes? Did you know that Marc "Sparky" Bartolomeo started out as a model? This should answer your questions....

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays - Part 2.

Ah, the season of giving. The season of joy. Now we have already discussed how to reap tidings of great joy from buying gifts for your nieces and nephews. But the most important way to bring you great joy this season, giving you the best bang for your buck (and I don't mean an escort service, although that has a nice ring to it) is to buy first, and foremost, for yourself.

What is that one thing you've been denying yourself all year? What extravagance have you foregone because you just couldn't justify it? Why spend all that hard-earned cash on extravagant gifts for others (who won't appreciate them anyway because they don't have that extra gene we all have - the one that knows dollar store from Neiman Marcus) when the person you most need to impress - is you!

Now come on, you just know that buying that cashmere sweater, TIVO system, or Prada messenger bag is just going to give you a glow that will outlast the harshest of winters.

So go ahead. Do it. Indulge yourself babe. You earned it.