Wednesday, January 18, 2006


So you meet a guy. And this guy seems rather nice (doesn't act like a serial killer). He has a nice job (can support himself). And a deep voice (mmmm). And is wearing a regular ol' tshirt and jeans when you meet (not pretentious).

He asks you out. You agree. Dinner. He asks you to pick the place. You respond by asking him to surprise you with the place of his choice (so you can gauge his personality).

He picks you up (in a non-pretentious middle class car) and you go to a medium-scale restaurant (not exactly thrifty, but not egotistical either). Dinner is great, and he is a fantastic conversationlist, always steering the conversation back to you and not dwelling on himself, but also not avoiding anything you ask. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, and when you come back, he has payed the check (oh his mamma taught him well). Dinner is over, and he suggests going somewhere for coffee and/or dessert. You agree. The check comes and you insist on paying (because you mamma taught you well). And after, the evening ends as you choose, with him dropping you off. He asks, I repeat he asks, if he can kiss you goodnight. And you do. And it is good. It is very good.

The next day: He. Calls. You. (the man has style) to tell you what a great time he had, and asks you out again for a movie. You agree. He pays for the tickets, you buy the popcorn. He grabs, and holds, your hand during the movie. Coffee after the movie, and then home. You kiss again. With a little more fervor, but not a "could you check my DNA while you're in there" kind of kiss.

You talk on the phone at least once a day for the next two weeks, and you go out again. This time dinner, movie, and drinks. Ending with kissing and exploration.

Again you talk the next day, and several days after that. You make tentative but not firm plans for the weekend. And you call him. You leave a message. That he doesn't return. So you call again the next day. You leave a message. That he doesn't return. You repeat this two more times over the next two days. And then after a waiting period of several days, you repeat this again. And then you stop. He never returns your phone call.

A year and a half later, you check your cell phone and there is a message from a number you don't recognize. The voice on the message immediately brings back memories. And he says he has been thinking about you, and would like to go out.

And which of the following would you do, and which do you think I did?

1. Delete the message, and not return his call.
2. Call him and leave a message that would make leather men blush, explaining what he could do with his cellphone and your number, which includes the arm that is holding it. You remind him of his lineage which resembles a family tree with only one branch. And explain to him that if he were the only other man on earth besides yourself, you would still cut off his penis and feed it to pirhannas. One piece at a time. And other things that I am too polite to mention in print.