The best ones are either married or straight, or both.

I don't know why, but for some reason I seem to be a straight man magnet. Now granted I am spending my time this year trying to fulfill my resolution of being single. Thus proving that they are only interested when you aren't. However, the fates seem to be wise to me. I do seem to be their favorite pastime. Quite a few yucks out of ol' Joey Boy let me tell you!

There is a guy at work who I have known for several years. Wait, let me explain something. I am not out at work. Then again, I am not in either. I don't have a rainbow posted on my head, but if someone actually asks then I give them the truth. The return response has always been - "Oh, cool" - and then the discussion goes back to other things. It's kind of disappointing. I have an entire tirade prepared on how gay is an adjective and just one that describes me, yada, yada, yada.

But I digress. Back to the urinal discussion. So I walk into the bathroom at work, where I always keep things business-like at the urinal, staring at my favorite logo, Sloan Valve Co. At the urinals is my fellow co-worker. He starts talking to me, not uncommon with him, but it's usually idle chatter. This time he is asking me pointed questions about office goings-on, and the discussion is going on longer than normal chit-chat. Out of the corner of my eye I happened to notice that his head was turned toward me when talking to me. I also realized I was almost done with what I was doing, and he was still standing there. I just slightly turned my gaze toward his eyes, which gave me enough peripheral vision to notice that he was standing back far enough from Mr. Sloan Porcelain that if I was looking, I would see "it" quite easily. And I could tell he was taking a prolonged time in "shaking". In fact, the shaking that he was doing in certain circles would be taken for an obvious invitation.

I am sure it was all innocent, as I have known him for several years and would not expect what was actually going on quite graphically in my head. But then, it was just frelling odd. Are straight men curious? Hmmm.

I got 12 inches last night.

And after a lot of blowing, it seemed so much bigger.

Of course I am talking about snow. It's another Valley Forge winter! We ended up getting over 13 and a half inches. Over night the wind kicked in, the house was covered in snow, and all of the shoveling I did last night was wasted.

Even though it was a blizzard outside, I actually had a lot of indoor fun last night with a really handsome neighbor, but that's a subject for another post. ;) Besides, The Game is on after all.

Wanna know why I like football? This is why:

Why I Hate Winter, part 857,634,192:

I hesitated to even tell this story, but after much thought, I figured what the hell.

Let me preface this by saying that winter has once again descended on Valley Forge in a nasty vengeful way. It was a lovely -9 degrees F yesterday, figuring in the wind chill factor (and I do as it determines the number of layers I wear before leaving the confines of my house).

I had decided that even though it was colder than most of my ex-boyfriend's hearts, I had to leave work long enough to pick up lunch. I eat mostly salads for lunch, and I have this thing about my salads being fresh, and different. So I often trot off to a nearby salad place. The ingredients are always fresh, and trust me on this one, always different. You see, the guys that work there don't speak English. I'm not even sure if they can read English. Sometimes ordering can seem like a true test of will, stamina, and sanity. I can order a spinach salad and end up with Caesar. The salad that is, not the guy behind the counter.

What I enjoy even more than salad, is coffee. Yes, I am a coffeeholic, I admit it. I usually have several cups from the time I get to work, until lunchtime. This means that I do not dawdle on the round trip to get my lunch!

Once I got back to our building, it was inevitable that on this very bitterly cold and windy day, I had to park somewhere around New Jersey. I do own a scarf and gloves, several pair in fact, but they don't seem to care for me. They always seem to be hiding and never where I left them last!

Anyway, by the time I got into the building, I was practically a Joeycicle. I got to my office, dropped the salad on the desk, and ran to the restroom. I was about to use the sink to warm up my hands, but Mama Destino always warned me that that was a bad idea- something about causing the skin cells to die, and my skin falling off (and you wonder why I need therapy!). But there was no time to wait for my hands to warm up. I had to go, and I had to go now. So with knees clenched I made it to the urinal, unzipped, and reached in. My boss decided to pick that moment to come in the restroom door. The resultant screams of profanity in a high pitched voice that came out of my throat, and the look of terror on my boss' face is something I won't forget for a long time. At least he's let me alone today!

WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!! Steelers are SIXTEEN AND ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a frelling game!!!

ben

Have I mentioned I LOVE FOOTBALL!!! In honor of today's Steelers-Jets matchup, here's a pic of hot Steelers Rookie of the Year QB Ben Roethlisberger! GO STEELERS~~~~

Still working.... Then again, I've been always told I was just a work in progress. It is not finished yet, but much closer.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving!

I received a Christmas gift that I had been dying to use but I just hadn't had the time. Over the weekend I was able to get it out of the package, and after a good thorough washing, I took it to bed with me. I have had two nights of absolute ecstasy ever since.

Yes, I can imagine what you must be thinking, but sorry. Not one of those. My wonderful Mother bought me a beautiful flannel sheet set. After a thorough wash and fluff dry, my bed is now the warmest, most comfortable, and most inviting thing in the world! Finally, for the past two nights I have slept straight through the night, snug and sound, with great dreams! Valley Forge winter, peeshaw! My mom has me covered. Literally!.

Doing some early spring cleaning, both at home, and here on the ol' blog. Please excuse the dust for a bit while I try and come up with a new look. New Year. New Attitude!

Tap. Tap.

*sound of throat clearing*

"Ummm, My name is Joey and I'm a, uh, a closet, ummmm. I mean I'm a, uh, uh....."

"It's okay Joey, you are among friends"

"Thanks." *sound of throat clearing* "I'm a...germophobe"

"Hi, Joey!"

"Thanks, ummm. Well. I've known for a long time that I've had some, uh, issues with germs. Not my germs per se, but, other people's germs.

I really don't know how it started actually, but I just know that I have always been, well, different from all the other boys. I thought atfirst that maybe I was just a product of my environment.I mean, my parents did keep a clean house, but thinkingback they were never that obsessive about it. My uncle was never,well, "that way" either.

I just remember, about the time I was thirteen, and I had to, you know, take gym and shower in public. It was an eye-opening experience. There I was, in the shower, with all of the other boys, and that water and soap sliding all over their bodies. I couldn't help but stare. All of that dirty water and soap from their bodies just mingling with each other. And soon, that white frothy stuff was everywhere in the shower. And I had this strange sensation going on in my body. Just thinking about all of those germs. I thought I was going to throw up.

As time progressed it got to a point where it never seemed to bother me. By high school I loved gym, and that shower. A lot. I couldn't wait to get in there after a hot sweaty practice. But all of this time, I have never, ever, ever once used a public restroom without washing my hands. And I have never. In my life. Had to sit on a public toilet seat. The thought of that just makes me cringe. But today, I just had to, well. You know. Dookie. There was no choice.

So I grabbed my lysol spray, and headed to the restroom.

But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.

So I had to go home from work in the middle of the day, and then come back. Meanwhile everyone is looking at me in that way. The knowing glances. The staring eyes. The tsk under their breath. They all just know. I can tell. Theyknow that I am a germaphobe."

Well the New Year is moving along just swimmingly. Everything seems to have gone back to normal. Whatever that is. My only New Year's resolution was to remain single. See this year is going to be all about Karma, and Karmic cleansing. And of course, reverse psychology on the powers of the universe. So I am staying single (wink wink nudge nudge).

For those of you who may stumble in here and read these mutterings, I have a few ways for you to work on your Karma.

1. I have heard from other people that they have received their free iPods. So, if any of you would like to join in on the fun, I still need several referrals before I can receive mine. The link is up there to your left. I paid the 1.99 for the trial at Ancestry.com, and I cancelled several days before the two week trial ended. It's a nice site and all- but way too expensive for looking into my dysfunctional family tree. Thanks!

2. My fellow blogger Hot Toddy has been nominated for an award! He is extremely funny and a wonderful writer. And he's hot. It is his name after all. You can actually vote for him! He's currently a few votes shy so if you could throw him a vote that would be lovely. The link to his site is in my blogroll on the left. The voting link is on his site.

So, please sign up for an iPod, and then go read Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven and vote! Great ways to instill some good Karma!

Wanna guess which option I choose? I'll give you a hint. I am severly dehydrated today.

Yes I did go out, mostly becuase I took a short nap yesterday and dreamed that I was having a party with all of my cats on New Year's Eve. There were hundreds of them, all wearing NYE hats. I don't own cats. I also don't aspire to spending an evening with a house full of them. Ever. So out I went. Fun was had, but nothing out of the ordinary. Just another night, lots of men, none of whom noticed I was in the room. Nor did I care actually.

The only word I can think of to describe my mood now that Christmas is over and NYE approaches, is. Conflicted.

I could spend NYE at home, curled up on the coach, watching movies, eating popcorn, drinking hot chocolate. And be ever so happy.

Or I could throw on the tux, hit the club, looking as handsome as is possible for someone like me, talk to "my boys", and stagger home passing out on same said couch. And be ever so miserable.

Le sigh.

Dearest Santa,

I truly desire nothing for myself this year, other than Steve Sandvoss. So instead of bringing gifts for me (other than Steve) please bring the following for my fellow bloggers:

For Brian, a handsome romantic intelligent man who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities. And customers for his awesome photography business.

For Jim, please bring him very rich customers on Christmas who will make him extremely well endowed - with tips. And drop off some candles and massage oils to his lucky guy, so he can massage his tired feet, and pamper him when he gets home.

For Matthew, please bring him videotape. He knows what to do with it.

For Hot Toddy, please bring him a handsome romantic intelligent man who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities. But not the same one as you bring for Brian. Unless they are actually twins. Oh wait. If they are twins, then just drop them at my house.

For Thomas, please bring him his handsome romantic intelligent Prince who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities, and may they live happily ever after, in their lovely castle with the white picketed moat. Wish I was a Prince!

For Homer, please bring him a handsome romantic intelligent male nurse who will minister to his every need as he heals from his surgery.

For Riley, please bring him a job that pays well enough that he doesn't need to work two jobs. And a handsome romantic intelligent man who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities.

For Alan and Brian, well they are already handsome and romantic and intelligent. Please bring them many more years of peace and love.

And just in case Santa, you don't remember what Steve looks like:

Please wrap him. I love unwrapping presents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've had a lot to say. I really have. But the carefree, life couldn't be better guy that dispensed all that advice, forgot to dispense some to himself. Had I been posting this past week I would have been maudlin and, well, not much fun. Let's face it, would you really want to read that kind of crap at this time of year? I'm sure those of you who have read what happened this summer can read between the lines and figure out what the deal is.

So, onward to elfishness. I'm dropping the sack cloth, throwing on my best jock strap, and facing the rest of the holidays like there was no tomorrow! Trust.

Or as Jen said - Get Merry Mary!!!

The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays - Part Four

Put. The. Cookies. Down!

Yes it's that time of year when everyone and their Mother brings cookies, candies, and every other Atkins-Unfriendly thing to work. They will try to shove them down your throat. They will tease you, and cajole you with talk of pleasures beyond your wildest dream - just like a two dollar ho downtown. And we all know what would come of that!

Just remember, every bite is another two hours at the gym. Did you spend all year denying yourself, and sweating up a storm, just to throw it away for that succulent plate of peanut butter bars and Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip?

Oh sure, you have to taste them because you don't want to hurt their feelings. Put it in your mouth, take a bite, mumble something about a meeting, run to the Men's Room and do your best Mary Kate impression. Spit it out honey! I know you have the natural reflex to swallow, ummm, yeah, anyway, PURGE!!!!

The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays - Part Three

Everyone hates shopping during the holidays. And speaking from experience when I was just a young thing, everyone who works in the stores hate it too. Except for the mall queens. You know who you are. So over the years I have refined and perfected the perfect methods on how to get in, get what you want, and get out. Now if I could just get my love life so refined!

First, never ever shop during the holidays under the influence of – well – anything. There was a time that a cocktail or twelve would make shopping just oh so much more endurable. But I learned a basic economic principle from those days, the amount of cash spent increases exponentially as to the amount of alcohol consumed. As much as you are dying to suck down that holiday libation – fugehdaboudit.

Second, the breeders are going to annoy you. It is a fact of life, and you must learn to just overlook them and realize that they have the right to be there too. Yes, you do have more money, education, and innate nature to accessorize, and they will never be at your level. Revel in the fact that you are fabulous and higher in the food chain. Stick your nose a bit higher in the air. Ignore them. However, mothers with strollers are fair game. You may do what ever you need to get them out of your way. You may channel the dark side of your personality – the trailer living, roller derby-watching white trash inside of you. That brings us to cute daddies with strollers. Ummm. That’s another blog entry entirely.

Third, how to establish possession. You see in front of you the last of the item that Someone-On-Your-List must have or you will not be able to live it down. You reach to grab it, and all of a sudden Susie Walmart has pushed you out of the way and grabbed it first. You have several options here. Feel free to perform the one you are most comfortable with. They have all been known to yield a perfect result:

Option one – yank her by the hair, snatch it back, and run.

Option two – grab her arm (and/or the item if you can reach it) and start to cry. Loudly. Louder than her kid who is already crying. Do not let go of her/it. Start screaming for your Mommy, explaining how the mean woman took your whatever. Trust me, she will back off.

Option three is actually a variation on option two. After grabbing it/her, in your best little kid voice, tell her how pretty she is, ask her if she is your mommy, wait a few seconds, and the ask if she has seen your mommy, and then start to tear up and sniffle. Keep tugging on her arm if she starts to back away. Continue asking where your mommy is, each time increasing your volume.

Option four – shock treatment. You may not even have to grab her or the item. Just look at her and say in a very loud voice one of two things: “Hey, aren’t you Jessica’s girlfriend? I can’t believe the two of you were practically naked making out right out in the open in (insert name of infamous local gay bar) the other night. I guess that’s what the straight people mean by hot girl-on-girl action!” Or – this works even better: “Hey I recognize you! You’re the woman in the picture on the nightstand the other night when I was sucking that hot married guy’s dick!” Trust. She will drop and run. Unless you are actually in a WalMart in which case she may pull out a gun and shoot you.

Ah, the holidays. I just love shopping!

Do you like Hot Guys? Hot guys with power tools?

I am a huge fan of TLC's "In A Fix". I never miss an episode. Just watching these hot hunks gifted craftsmen sweating working away at demolition, then using their lickable biceps power tools awesome pecs is almost more than I can bare drooling all over.

It always amazes me how they can do all that do me now in just three days take as long as you want daddy. It really inspires me to get a grip on myself on getting those projects done around the house.

Do you watch the show? Do you wonder what they look like under all of those sweaty clothes? Did you know that Marc "Sparky" Bartolomeo started out as a model? This should answer your questions....

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays - Part 2.

Ah, the season of giving. The season of joy. Now we have already discussed how to reap tidings of great joy from buying gifts for your nieces and nephews. But the most important way to bring you great joy this season, giving you the best bang for your buck (and I don't mean an escort service, although that has a nice ring to it) is to buy first, and foremost, for yourself.

What is that one thing you've been denying yourself all year? What extravagance have you foregone because you just couldn't justify it? Why spend all that hard-earned cash on extravagant gifts for others (who won't appreciate them anyway because they don't have that extra gene we all have - the one that knows dollar store from Neiman Marcus) when the person you most need to impress - is you!

Now come on, you just know that buying that cashmere sweater, TIVO system, or Prada messenger bag is just going to give you a glow that will outlast the harshest of winters.

So go ahead. Do it. Indulge yourself babe. You earned it.

Thanks to everyone who has emailed me or commented on the free iPod program! I've had one referral and I am extremely greatful to whomever it was that used my link to sign up!

For the dubious among you, I am including 4 links below from bloggers who have actually received their free iPods! I'm going to post the link on the left for the iPod program. You have to click on my link for me to get credited properly.

Those of you who sign up through me, I'll be happy to post your referral links as well as soon as I reach my 5 referral quota.

Thanks!!!!
lockergnome
Matt from 3GDU
aardvarkind
Chris

Yes I've done it. I've become one of the lemmings. Now I have to tell you that I am extremely skeptical and dubious, and yes I did research before I took the plunge, but I have signed up for a free iPod.

Bottom line is, the marketing company is paid for you trying their clients' services for a period of time. Do that, and get 5 referral signups, and they ship you the iPod.

Wired.com has this article talking about it.

So if any of you want to give it a shot, please feel free to use my link or click on the image and be one of my referrals! Sometimes you just have to take a risk.