It's coming

Summer. It's coming. The long dark will soon be over. Everything will be as it is meant to be. The sun will blaze golden. Shirtless boys will appear in the park, blazing golden. My spirit will blaze golden.

Lifeguards with golden tans will appear on the beaches. Children will play in the surf mixing the crash of the waves with their squeals and laughter.

The man I love, with all my heart, will continue to prove I can move outside my comfort zone by making me do new things. Like surfing.

Everything will be healed. And my spirit?

Miss Novak and Mr. Cusack will again stroll at the water's edge, pondering life's mysteries.

Crash, The Movie

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

Crash was a wonderful movie, and so was Brokeback Mountain. Crash should and will most likely take the Oscar.

Crash is not only a movie. It's also the reason for my absence of late.

The good news is that there will be no permanent damage. The bad news is, I have a number of things broken. Bones, my lovely car, and my spirit. I thought the shoulder pain was bad - heh that was nuthin.

Details will follow, but suffice it to say, I am doing okay. I'm mending. My car, eventually will be mended. My spirit is going to take some time.

Public Service Announcement

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, regular posting has been interrupted. Service will be restored this weekend. In the meantime, please enjoy the view from Joey's bed.

Love hurts

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. As I’ve said, I’m so wrapped up in work right now, I’m not even sure what day it is. That’s about to change, as soon as this project wraps up. Hopefully by then it will be spring. And I won’t be in pain.

I guess I should go back a few days, and tell you about my birthday. Where did we leave off? Ah yes, the morning...

I went downstairs to get my morning coffee. There on the counter is a massive arrangement of flowers. Reds, blues, yellows, whites. Colors that together brought back an instant memory of a warm day and a sea breeze. These were summer flowers. Summer flowers. Just like the arrangement I had bought and brought back to the shore house the first time we were there together.

In front of the vase, was a small plain card. Written on it in beautiful script was one simple phrase. Prepare for an evening of seduction. Oh he’s good!

Once at work, I sped through a day filled with the normal mundane meetings and intense coding sessions with my door closed. I finally left the office a little after 6, later than I had planned, but earlier than most days.

At home, everything was perfect. Scented candles, romantic music, and a meal meant to be eaten with our fingers. When asked if I liked my birthday, I responded that it was all very lovely and thoughtful, but I was feeling very old. He had been waiting for me to say it. I could tell he had been planning for that moment all day.

“I’m going to prove to you, that you are not old.”

He blew out the candles, turned off the music, and went upstairs. His clothes were coming off one by one on the way. I sat there for a few minutes not wanting to give in. I was tired. I felt old. I had work to do. I wasn’t sure I was up for this. I ran upstairs as fast as I could.

What follows is a blur. I remember candles. I remember oils. I remember neckties. I remember sensations not felt before. I remember things seen only on the Discovery channel.

And I remember falling off the bed. Onto my shoulder. Yes that shoulder. And I remember screaming. I am truly convinced this boy is trying to kill me.

My wish? Eternal Summer

The sun was extremely hot on the beach, but we didn't seem to mind. With my eyes closed I could hear all of the sounds around me; the gulls, the people laughing and enjoying themselves, and the pounding surf. I looked at him and was filled with an explosive amount of love and desire. He was so beautiful. I kissed him. Right there. His lips tasted like the salt of the ocean. And he returned my kiss with the force of the sea. I heard this horrible clanging noise, and I couldn't tell if it was the ice cream vendor, or the lifeguard on his chair annoyed at what we were doing. The noise increased in intensity as did the intensity of our kiss. I wanted to savor that moment and the taste of him and the ocean forever, but it was being interrupted by that piercing clanging noise which kept getting louder and louder. Our lips suddenly broke from each other and Jake said, "You have the most annoying alarm clock in the world." And I woke up.

Thoughts streaming. His arm around me. Remembering the 20 plus inches of snow outside, and the heat of the sun and us in my dream. Day? What day? Ugh. Tuesday. Have to go to work. I slide out from under his arm, and out of the bed, feet hit the floor. As I stand and stretch it hits me like a freight train - it's Valentine's Day. It's my frakking birthday. And there's a zero in the number. And I am suddenly very old. I want to go back to the beach. To the sun. To Jake. To our lips. To youth.

Scattered

Deadlines, everywhere. Demands on my time, everywhere. Adjusting to living full time with the BF, confusing and time-consuming.

Of course you would think having him live with me now would be easy and interesting as our selves meld together. But I have been so swamped, and my brain has been so filled with all of the other demands on me right now, I really haven't had much time to think about it.

Last night I was working late. Okay really late. And I didn't crawl into bed until 1:30am. I am normally asleep by 10pm at the very latest. And I got up earlier as well, because I had to get stuff done prior to a presentation this morning. Total sleep = 3 hours, 45 minutes.

I woke up and went through my morning ritual. Showered, dressed, and ran out the door. On the drive in I kept thinking there was something just odd. I couldn't really place it, and I thought it was just the lack of sleep getting the best of me.

Got to work and got busy. But I kept feeling uncomfortable and I wasn't sure why. After a pot of coffee, I had to go drain off the excess. I go in the bathroom, open my pants, and suddenly realized why I was out-of-sorts and uncomfortable. I am freeballin'. I have gone commando. The ballroom doors are wide open. I am not wearing any underwear.

In my haste and sleep deprivation, I have skipped an important task of the morning routine. In my presentation all I can think about is the fact that I have no underwear on. Can they tell? Does it show?

And now here I sit. And every time I move, the boys are feeling squished. They miss their support!

And I have at least 6 hours to go before I get home.

We're going to....

Well it seems my boyfriend is going to be taking me to Disney World. I'm really excited. Oddly enough I have never been to Disney World, and after last night, it seems we are going.

He's the greatest isn't he? That's his picture there on the right, taken last summer. It's really hard having a celebrity as a boyfriend, but hey, what can you do? I was totally shocked when right after the game he announced our vacation plans to the whole world.

I am so excited for him and his friends. Last night was a huge win, and I am very proud of him. While I am waiting for him to get home from Detroit I am going to start packing for a warmer climate!

And when he gets home I am really going to pamper him. I'll run a hot bath, and then massage his tired muscles and then we'll -

"What's that babe?... Yes I know Ben is not my boyfriend. But can we still go to Disney World?"

Cool. He said yes. Now if I can just figure out when Ben is going to be there...

Spreadin' the love again

I really really hate it when people post and say that they are too busy to post. So I'm not going to do that. Except to say that the past two weeks have been nuts. And not the good kind.

So instead of wasting time on me today, I'm sending you elsewhere to someone whose blog if you are not already reading you really should be!

I want you to go spread some love to James. He's a very good writer. His viewpoints are always well thought out and well spoken. And like many of us, he sees and lives life in broad terms. The best thing is, he can communicate them that way as well. That is something I admire greatly.

So go on, get out of here. Go visit James at his Gay Empire. Come back this weekend or Monday and we can get back to the surreality that is my life.

I said go already! Sheeesh.

James' Gay Empire

Who?

I was deeply saddened by the death yesterday of Coretta Scott King. I think what affected me most was this feeling that it was the passing of an era. First Rosa Parks, and now Mrs. King. Where are the heros for our generation? Where are the ones who will stand up and say, "I am not going to take it anymore" and effect change?

I met Mrs. King at a function a number of years ago. She took my hand, placed her other hand over top of mine, and said in that pleasant dulcet quiet tone of hers, "How are you?". It wasn't "Pleased to meet you", or a simple, "Hello". She asked me how I was. Me. Someone she did not even know. I knew that I was meeting a woman important to history and the shaping of our country but to have her greet me, a complete stranger, in that way changed my entire perception of her. It was quite powerful.

I mentioned her death to a number of people yesterday and what saddened me even more was the response of most everyone. "Who?". How could someone get to their age and not know who Mrs. King was? If we do not remember or recognize the human rights heros that have gone before, how can we expect a hero for us? Someone that will lead us into the validation of our existance so we will no longer have to be shunned, ridiculed, feared, hated, killed.

I'm also passing along today an email sent to me by Judy Shepard and the Matthew Shepard Foundation. It is a shining example of the woman that Mrs. King was.

Dear Friend,

The Matthew Shepard Foundation, my family and I join the millions in expressing
their grief and sadness at the passing of Mrs. Coretta Scott King. Mrs. King was
an extraordinary human being, filled with the hope of equality for all with
absolutely no distinction. She spread her message of hope with grace and
compassion from which I draw constant inspiration.

The day after my son Matthew’s death, Mrs. King sent a letter to my family that
I would like to share with you for the first time today. This letter represents
in the truest sense the human being she was and the spirit of her work that we
should all strive to emulate.

Sincerely,
Judy Shepard


October 13, 1998

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Shepard,

I was stunned and deeply saddened to learn of the killing of your beloved son,
Matthew Shepard. On behalf of Dexter Scott King, The King Center and the King
Center Family, I send our heartfelt condolences, our love and prayers for your
family in your hour of bereavement.

Clearly, your Matthew was a fine young man, a kind and open-hearted person who
believed in human rights and the dignity of all people. The outpouring of
sympathy from his many friends, as well as his family, is a testament that he
was a caring and much-loved human being, and his loss diminishes us all.

The epidemic brutality that took your son’s life and has caused so much pain to
your family must be confronted and stopped. Americans of conscience must work a
lot harder to eliminate this sick culture of violence that threatens even our
best and brightest.

Matthew Shepard will be sorely missed. But we will be praying your family soon
be unburdened by the knowledge that his beautiful spirit will live on in the
hearts of all of those he touched.

Sincerely,
Coretta Scott King

I'd like to invite them all over for the weekend

Am I in pain? Yup. Well okay, it's really just down to a dull ache. As long as I don't move, I feel just fine. I saw the doctor, who wanted to prescribe a course of steriods. While the idea of bulking up is appealing, I know it's just a ten day thing. I have taken them before and I don't like my mood swings during that time, so I politely declined. Anti-inflammatories are your friend!

Positive things have come out of my injury. I am being coddled. You-Know-Who is feeling extremely guilty, since the whole thing was his idea. And I don't have to help him move this weekend. That's almost worth the pain! He cleaned my house and did my laundry too. I would keep him just for that alone! Okay typing hurts so I thought I would share an article with you from our local rag. I agree with their list whole-heartedly, and would love to have any one of them over to nurse me through my injury!

His character may be lost, but Josh Holloway has been discovered.

In Touch Weekly has crowned Holloway, 36, who portrays con man Sawyer on ABC's Emmy-winning hit series Lost, TV's "hottest hunk."

The magazine, in an issue on newsstands Friday, also gives props to Holloway's castmate Matthew Fox, who plays Jack. Fox came in ninth among the top 10 good-looking guys.

Lost co-star Evangeline Lilly describes Holloway as "the guy who opens doors, carries the bags for women, and makes sure they feel protected. It's a very endearing quality."

Second on the studly list is John Stamos of ABC's Jake in Progress and formerly of Full House.

Also on the list: Jared Padalecki from Supernatural, David Boreanaz (Bones), Wentworth Miller (Prison Break'), Eddie Cibrian (Invasion), Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy), Shemar Moore (Criminal Minds) and Tom Welling (Smallville).

(c) 2006, The Philadelphia Inquirer.

Broken

What didn't I do this weekend? I attended no cultural events. I did not hang out with the popular, the famous, nor the fabulous crowd. I did not spend the weekend in all the best clubs to be seen, or to dance. I did not have amazingly kinky, amazingly vanilla, nor amazingly mind-blowing sex with two, three, four, or a room full of people. I did not go sky-diving, nor DJ, nor travel to an exotic local. I did not see Jake Gyllenhaal naked (shameless search engine seeding which I stole from someone else, sorry).

So what did I do this past weekend? Since Thursday, all of my time has been involved with what I do for a living. I was writing code. Fabulously exciting, no? Well to most of you no, but I am a geek and I get a real rush out of it. It's what I love to do and I get a real sense of creativity and accomplishment. I have often spent hours and hours at home slaving over code.

So that's what I did this weekend. Until Sunday. When the BF said it was time to get off of my ass (and that is a direct quote) and do something physical. Of course I thought that meant that the shades would be closed, candles lit, and Barry White on the cd player. I should know better by now. He didn't tell me what he had planned, but he told me just to throw on jeans and a t-shirt, and off we went. To the park. Where his friends were. Playing football.

For the first half hour or so I was actually having fun. It felt good to be out, and getting fresh air. And being around a lot of testosterone was doing wonders for my psyche. Until I made the mistake. I caught the ball. I started to instinctively run. I was on top of the world. I had the ball and I was the star receiver heading down the field for an amazing touchdown. I knew exactly what little victory dance I was going to do once I crossed the line that was our makeshift goal. I could hear the roar of the crowd as I ran! I was pumped! I was in The Zone! I was knocked unconscious.

I'm going to spare you the agonizing details of what it feels like to not be able to breathe. Nor am I going to explain the excruciating pain it is to have your shoulder put back into its socket.

There I am, feeling the closest to death I have ever come and survived, not sure if I should throw up everything I have eaten in the last 24 hours, or whether to just pass out from pain and exhaustion. And one of his friends, one of his early-twenties-friends, says loud enough for me to hear, "I hope I'm never in that bad shape when I get old like him".

If I had had the strength, it would have been justifiable homicide.

Karma

Thank you all for the comments on the last post. Quite honestly, I didn't even hesitate on what I did. I deleted the voicemail. I had long ago removed his number from my phone. And afterwards, I thought about the second option. For a while now.

I think Moby really hit it (No I mean my feelings about the issue, not the guy, although I did want to hit it at the time). Here's what he said:

option 1. You don't need the drama in your life and calling him would only (serve) to create drama. You also keep your karma intact by not being ugly while giving him a dose of his own medicine at the same time.

Should he call again, politely advise him, you've moved on and the moment has been more than lost. Politely say goodbye after asking him not to call you again.

I'm a closet buddhist in spirit. When Kirk died, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to live better. I am not always perfect. Hell, I am rarely perfect. But I don't beat myself up over it. I try to keep my Karma clean, my chi clean, and my house clean. And much as I want to, as Jen would say, rip him several new assholes, I can't. It's just not my style.

But when I was a young strapping lad working in the clubs, drama was my Mamma. Boy am I glad those days are long gone.

There are quite a few guys like that guy out there. Unfortunately. I pray that none of you have to deal with them. I've always been a magnet for bad boys, jerks, controllers, and users. But now I've found a prince. And I truly believe it's because I changed myself.

For that guy that called I just truly have one thing to say. Karma can be a mean bitch. But I'm not. Anymore.

Lessons

So you meet a guy. And this guy seems rather nice (doesn't act like a serial killer). He has a nice job (can support himself). And a deep voice (mmmm). And is wearing a regular ol' tshirt and jeans when you meet (not pretentious).

He asks you out. You agree. Dinner. He asks you to pick the place. You respond by asking him to surprise you with the place of his choice (so you can gauge his personality).

He picks you up (in a non-pretentious middle class car) and you go to a medium-scale restaurant (not exactly thrifty, but not egotistical either). Dinner is great, and he is a fantastic conversationlist, always steering the conversation back to you and not dwelling on himself, but also not avoiding anything you ask. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, and when you come back, he has payed the check (oh his mamma taught him well). Dinner is over, and he suggests going somewhere for coffee and/or dessert. You agree. The check comes and you insist on paying (because you mamma taught you well). And after, the evening ends as you choose, with him dropping you off. He asks, I repeat he asks, if he can kiss you goodnight. And you do. And it is good. It is very good.

The next day: He. Calls. You. (the man has style) to tell you what a great time he had, and asks you out again for a movie. You agree. He pays for the tickets, you buy the popcorn. He grabs, and holds, your hand during the movie. Coffee after the movie, and then home. You kiss again. With a little more fervor, but not a "could you check my DNA while you're in there" kind of kiss.

You talk on the phone at least once a day for the next two weeks, and you go out again. This time dinner, movie, and drinks. Ending with kissing and exploration.

Again you talk the next day, and several days after that. You make tentative but not firm plans for the weekend. And you call him. You leave a message. That he doesn't return. So you call again the next day. You leave a message. That he doesn't return. You repeat this two more times over the next two days. And then after a waiting period of several days, you repeat this again. And then you stop. He never returns your phone call.

A year and a half later, you check your cell phone and there is a message from a number you don't recognize. The voice on the message immediately brings back memories. And he says he has been thinking about you, and would like to go out.

And which of the following would you do, and which do you think I did?

1. Delete the message, and not return his call.
2. Call him and leave a message that would make leather men blush, explaining what he could do with his cellphone and your number, which includes the arm that is holding it. You remind him of his lineage which resembles a family tree with only one branch. And explain to him that if he were the only other man on earth besides yourself, you would still cut off his penis and feed it to pirhannas. One piece at a time. And other things that I am too polite to mention in print.

You're my Obsession

In Friday's post I mentioned that I really like the Chronic(what)cles of Narnia video from Saturday Night Live. According to that other guy that hangs out with me all the time, I am obsessed with it. But it got me to thinking, what really are my obsessions and how do I end up getting them?

I also mentioned that I have adult-onset ADD. Now I don't know if there is such a thing, but I have noticed that the older I get, the less focused I am on one specific thing at a time. And at the same time, there are certain things that I repeat over and over. But not in an OCD kind of a way. Like the video/song. I can play it over and over and be quite happy.

So is my ADD that's not OCD being outed by a WMV from SNL?

And just what are the things I obsess about anyway? Other than Steve Sandvoss. There's something I could repeat over and over with him let me tell you! But I digress.

So what are your obsessions? What can't you get enough of (other than the obvious)?

I think in stereo

We interrupt today's post for a public service announcement. I have shelled out the big bucks to upgrade my haloscan account so that the comment pop-up no longer has ads, and I will be able to do an email reply for comments, making it much easier to respond. We now return you to your regularly scheduled frivilousness.

The scene: A modest townhouse located near Valley Forge Park in Pennsylvania. Our heros are spending a quiet evening at home. That is until Joey begins playing a video on his PC while working. And singing along.

Joey: (Singing) The Chronic What Cles of Narnia, The Chronic...
BF: Why do you keep playing that video over and over?
Joey: Hmmmm?
BF: Why do you keep playing that video?
Joey: I know! Don't you love it?
BF: Honestly, no. At least I did until I heard it the 400th time.
Joey: Really?
BF: Really. Do you always play videos while you are working?
Joey: No, just this one. It''s all over the innernets. I usually just play music.
BF: How can you do that?
Joey: Oh, I just open the jukebox thingy and
BF: (interrupting) No, I meant how can you concentrate with the music on, and sing at the same time? And the TV.
Joey: Well I told you a long time ago I have adult onset ADD. I function better when I am multi-tasking.
BF: (Blank stare, silence)
Joey: Was there something you wanted dear?
BF: A different song maybe?
Joey: But I love this one.
BF: And I love you. (leaning over Joey and shutting off the video)
Joey: (Singing in BF's ear, grinning) They call us Aaron Burr from the way we're droppin' Hamiltons.
BF: Sigh. What have I gotten myself into?

And Joey's boyfriend wasn't able to say anything else once Joey grabbed him and threw him down on the carpet. You can all guess what happened next.

Spread the Love

I'm swamped again at work. Swamped at home too trying to make two households fit into one. So as much as I wish it was, writing is not at the top of my priorities right now. Thank you all for your wonderful comments and advice on my "issue". And don't worry. I would sleep on cement as long as it meant that boy will be part of my life!

But instead of droning on with my self-absorption today, I want you to go somewhere else. As you can see by my blogroll, I read a lot of other blogs. And as I have said before, it is a rich tapestry of life. And today I want you to go read one of them. One specific one.

I started reading his blog several months ago. How did I find it? I don't really remember, but I have been reading him ever since.

He is going to be 25 this week. Younger than me obviously. But this man has moxie. And he impresses the hell out of me. His life hasn't been all that easy, but he has made it work.

What impresses me most is, that he took chances at a very young age to better himself. Granted, they didn't really go as well as planned and it caused financial problems, but instead of caving in he saw what he needed to do and he did it. He works his ass off, twice as hard as anyone I know, just to climb back up and realize his dreams. I have a feeling he is going to really go far in life.

And on top of that. He is quite handsome, has a great boyfriend, and an awfully cute dog! And he's funny, and witty, and very entertaining. His Weekly White Boy Dance videos are not to be missed.

So in the first of my new weekly "Spread the Love" posts in which I am going to highlight someone you may not be reading who you really should, let me introduce you to Stephen. And Stephen I hope you don't mind my linking to the pic of you and Levi!

Inside Stephen

Consequences

The holidays are exhausting, but well worth it I guess. The parties and the travelling are all completed. The outside lights have all been taken down and extension cords have been wrapped. The windows are bare, and the wreath is off the door. The heirloom and regular ornaments have been removed from the tree and packed in tissue paper. The halls have all been undecked. Christmas cards have been filed away for future reference, and china and glassware have all been washed and placed in their cabinets.

Thank the gods it's all over! And now life can finally get back to normal. The house is finally spotless again and I can settle in for a long winter's nap. Just me and the dog. Quiet evenings snuggled up under a comforter on the couch in front of the TV. I can catch up on movies and reading. It can snow all it wants now, because I have no responsibilites other than work, and walking the dog. Yep. I am looking forward to the quiet solitude, and the holidays are all now just a memory in my lazy days. Ah, normalcy. And rest.

Except.

I just remembered. I asked the BF to move in.

Closets have to be cleaned. Decisions have to be made. Furniture has to be moved. Dinner will be more than just take out. I have to get up earlier for work so we can both be on time. What are we going to do about utilities? Share them? Oh wait. He's going to want to share my office too! Do I need to set up a network for the broadband access? Where is all of his stuff going to fit?

Oh. My. Goddess. What have I done?

That's a good question

I was interviewed the other day for an article about blogging. Most of the questions were fairly routine, and not at all difficult to answer. It was the first question that I was asked, and which I answered fairly quickly, that has stuck in my head. My answer to the interviewer was somewhat brief and to the point, but I thought I would take it a bit further here.

Why do you blog?
It gives me a way of journalling my life in a brief fashion, and allows me to hone my writing skills.

Okay that was the answer I gave. But the more I think about that question, the more I started asking myself, why do I do this?

There are people who blog for any number of reasons. I have seen blogs that are for financial gain, blogs written because it's the "in-thing" to do, and a number of blogs that are just about furthering the author's egos. It's the "Look how fabulous I am blogs" that I don't care for, which I am sure is because they are the type of people I avoid in real life.

So why do I keep doing this? Well I was first attracted to it, simply by reading other blogs. Two people in particular I had read on a regular basis: Cyberkenny, who is no longer blogging that I am aware of; and Thomas (link at the top of the blogroll) at Kungfukittens who I fondly call my "Blog Daddy".

I knew that's the type of writing I wanted to do as well, journalling my life, preferably in a semi-humorous way. Since I started this way-back-when, it has become so much more. It allows me to connect with other people all over the world, but in a way that chatrooms never really accomplished (Chatroom; noun; pop culture way back in the stone age, you know, the 90s).

I (and all of you) now have a chance to really connect with the gay world in a macrocosm (is that a word?). It allows us to express ourselves, and that genetic nature that ties us all together, and learn from each other. If you look at the people on my blogroll, there are blogs and people of every shape, kind, and nationality.

Growing up in a small western Pennsylvania town, I never had exposure to other gay people - that I was aware of at least, and now. Now, I know how you all live, and love, and laugh, and cry. And I know that I am a part of something that was not just a choice. That my friends, is the true power.

Random Thoughts

Well I've done some tweaking on the look and feel. I'll probably still be doing that for a bit.

Not much to say about the New Year holiday, except it was confusing. The Rose Parade wasn't on New Year's Day. The Bowl games are, well for goddess' sake they're spread out all week long! I used to love spending the holiday just watching football (and recuperating from NYE). Now I doubt I will even see any of the games.

And because the Bowl games weren't on, well, we had to do something. And we did. And we did it a lot. And then we did it a lot more. And I am not sure when I'm going to recuperate.

But I know one thing. My game never gets sidelined for a groin pull. Put me in coach!

A Fresh Start All Around

I decided a New Year needed a New Look!

So instead of posting witty and insightful comments I am going to be playing with myself the code for a bit.