If you have not seen this movie...



Go rent it NOW!!!

This is one of the top 5 best gay-themed movies I have ever seen.

Part 2.

There is always that one love, greater than any other. The one love that touches you so deeply that you never ever forget it. You know what I mean. There is always the one. No matter how many times you love in your life, there's that one. I think I have spent my life trying desparately no matter how unconciously to recreate it. That was Kirk.

We became friends the minute we met. And remained so ever since. For months we were the dynamic duo, totally inseparable. I know what you're thinking, but no we were just friends. We double-dated anytime we dated. Never once was there anything overtly sexual about our relationship. No one ever gave it a thought. Neither did I. Except in fantasy. In December we went to the Christmas formal together, with our dates, and all had a fantastic night. The roommate (El Stud, according to him) was at the girlfriend's for the night so Kirk came back to my room while I changed. We had planned on going back out. I'll spare you the details but we did end up together in bed that night. He was the first man I ever slept with.

In the middle of the night, as we lay there wrapped around each other, my back to him, he hugged me a little tighter. I truly think he thought I was asleep. He leaned into my neck, nuzzled it, and whispered ever so quietly... "I will always love you."

Of course, neither of us at that time would own up to being gay, and sex came only with the excuse that we had been drinking. We did drink a lot more after that night.

We remained an ersatz couple for the rest of our college careers. After graduation we both moved to the city, but not together. Times changed. We didn't, not really. But Kirk was never truly able to admit the truth of it for a long time. When he did, we did give it a try. But he left after several months unable to come to grips with it. He married after impregnating a girl we both knew. His family was ecstatic. I wore black. I was the best man. Obviously. When the baby was born, I spent more time with it than his mother. She and he, were no longer she and he after four months. Pattern maybe?

We spent the rest of the years as close friends, every couple of years again making love, but never for long. Men came and went in my life. But none was Kirk. This summer, he made his recently annual trek to the shore to spend time with me. We had deep conversations that I will never forget. He proposed to me after a lot of tequila. If only. He left several days later to his life, and I to mine.

I had just come back from an evening walk on the beach and was showering before dinner. My cell phone rang. My best friend Jen. I answered it, naked and dripping. She was practically screaming into the phone.

"Joey, it's Jen. You need to come to the hospital. Now. Hurry."

"Why? What's wrong."

"It's Kirk. Oh God baby he's been in an accident".

I made it in time to say goodbye to my baby boy. My life. My love.

This Summer's tale, and all the tales of all the summers are so much more. I'm sure the full story of our life together, and not so together, will eventually be told. But for now, he is letting me rest.

Autumn has arrived.

This was one of the best summers of my life. And the most life-changing in a long time. Perhaps ever.

Now that it's done, it's time to tell its story. Truth be told, no other words will come out. Not until it is finished. I know it's him. I know he is still taking charge. He won't let me go on until it is complete, out of my head and onto a page. So to finish, I must begin...

I spent a very large portion of my summer, mostly weekends, on a barrier island in New Jersey far away from the everyday grind. There is not a more beautiful place on earth to me, and nothing more soul cleansing than just standing there at the edge of the water staring off into the waves. Good times were had. It was almost true perfection. Until the phone call that ended my life.

“Joey, it's Jen. You need to come to the hospital. Now. Hurry.”

Oddly enough, it was almost the same time of year when we met. My first day of college, feeling all mature and full of my new-found independence. I just knew this day was the beginning of something truly incredible, rushing into it with fresh-faced exuberance and joy. And terror. To think, I wasn't even jaded then. Oh, I was however different. In the back of my mind there was always the knowledge that I was a minority. In fact, I had never met an actual gay person. That I knew of that is.

My parents had left me in the dorm trying to figure out exactly what, where, etc. It was late in the day, still no sign of a roommate yet, and I was hungry. I had no idea where the cafeteria was, so out of the door I braved. And ran right into him. Love at first crash.

He was incredibly handsome. At least to me. Okay everyone always thought so, not just me. He was the boy next door type that you just knew excelled at everything he attempted.

“Hey, how ya doin. Name's Kirk.”

God, even his name was more masculine than mine.

“Joseph. Umm Joe.”

“Well Joseph umm Joe, any idea where the cafeteria is?”

“No, uh, I was just going to try to find it myself.”

“Well, you better come with me. Two's better than one.”

I didn't say it. But in my head, came a resounding “I'd follow you anywhere”. And that's how it began. Neither of us could have even imagined in that moment how that summer's end would be the beginning of a bond so tight. Nor could we have imagined what fate would bring us to, this many years later.

...to be continued

It's time to talk...

"So who suggested we take Jase to Hooter's for lunch on his 35th?"

"Joey did."

"Joey?!?"

"Yeah, Joey. It's not his birthday after all, it's Jase's."

"Oh great. Now on Joey's birthday we'll have to take him to someplace called.... Nuts, or Bananas."

"Actually I think he calls it Big Daddy's"

"Oy."

Well I knew the homosexually-challenged guys at work would love it. Jase can't even look at a woman without drooling so I knew it would be perfect for him. Luckily I do have that portion of the gay gene that lets us plan perfect parties. And after all it's not like we went to a strip club or anything. We went to Hooter's. Even my mother will go to Hooters. We both like the wings. Although everyone else seems to like the breasts. (Thanks, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your server)

It was a fun lunch. Observing the guys in that environment was interesting to say the least. I can't even believe that Bill looked at me and said "Have you ever been in a place before that was this packed - and it's all men?". Ummmm. Let me think.

Please don't call me

The phone was ringing and I was busy. Okay I don't answer the home phone, because anyone of any importance calls my cell phone. Curiosity did kick in, so I looked at the Caller ID on the handset and noticed that I was getting a call from "Unavailable".

All I could think was, Shit. It's bad enough everyone I want is "Unavailable" but now they're calling me directly just to announce their unavailability.

Oh, I'm sure you know the type. You pass them in a public place. Your eyes meet theirs for a brief moment. You're thinking to yourself, "I really need to stop for gas on the way home". He, however, looks back with that look that says "You can't have me! No no, Mr. Desperate! No Me for you!! I am Unavailable to the likes of You!!!" And you are thinking, "What the hell was that all about?"

Yes, I am available! And I am the one who wants none of the likes of you Mr. Haughty Unavailable!! So stop calling me, dammit!!!

Sometimes small disappointments can be a leveling of the cosmic forces. I'm still in that good mood for the most part, especially since a test that was to be on Wednesday was postponed allowing for actual study time. I was turned down for a role this week but you can't fight - ummm - nepotism? Is that the right word? You see, the director cast the boyfriend instead of (this is not my quote) "an actor that can actually act and sing instead of screw".

I have to mention that not only do I sing and act, I can also screw with the best of them - I am very handy at set buildings (cue rim shot).

So all of that means I basically have time to get stuff done. The house could use a good cleaning, or a house boy. I prefer my men butch, but as long as they clean.

Massage boy left a message asking if I would be around Saturday night. Of course I am not. The cosmic forces are working overtime to keep all things even you know - another small disappointment.

Did you ever realize that you were in a really good mood and not really know why? I know where it started it though. At least, that's what I think. I've mentioned that I do theatre. Truth be told I was once a professional actor - in a long ago incarnation of myself. Okay not quite true, I still do some pro stuff, mostly video work. The point of this is, that I had a weekend of being onstage in a great role alongside a good cast. It was a weekend where I had the applause, the laughter, the tears, and the joy of an audience swelling over me. There was even a standing ovation one night, that ripped out my heart.

Unless you've done this, I cannot begin to explain the feeling other than to say that it is a quite addictive euphoria. It is rejuvenative, I must say. And of course, there was a boy, who had caught my eye some time back, who felt the need to massage my back as I was relaxing post-show.

Then today, back to work. No boss today, but lots of work that had to be accomplished, so truly back to the grind. And then an email from someone - well, someone who has a way of touching my heart. That someone could do that often :)

The glow continues....

"I'm just a boy who can't say no...."

Life can be extremely complicated. Every time you think you might be able to figure it out...BLAM...another curve ball. I have been so busy lately that I don't even know what my house looks like anymore. I parked in the wrong parking space last night, and walked up to the wrong door. Key didn't work. Nope, not drinking, just brain shutdown.

If you want something done, ask a busy person. Except Mr. Busy Person is too busy to fit it in. In the grand scheme of life, I had it all figured out. Down to the minute. That's too close folks. I wish I could call a lesbian to fix my backup. Sigh. Life slows down in another week, I swear. No really. Well maybe, where's my calendar?

Yeah I know - where have you been? Well I took an unexpected detour in what I like to call - my life. It was a work thing. I had to go south for a number of days to visit a client site. It was not fun. At all. I got home yesterday just in time to rush out the door to make my first class of the summer semester. Then home, bed, work, yawn, need sleep. Oh and Bryan.... thanks for the visual - that'll keep me warm! :)

"The Actor's Nightmare"

Do you know it? It's actually a one-act play that's based on - well, just what it sounds like. An actor is having a dream that he is suddenly onstage as the lead in a show. But he realizes that he does not know the lines or the blocking.

Well I lived it tonight.

So there we were after class standing in the hallway, talking about the final exam we had just had, which seems to have been written for some other course. We had all reviewed all of the exams and quizzes and exercises from the past several months of class. Nope, nothing seemed familiar. To any of us.

I've spent weeks and weeks studying, and the last week I spent every spare minute. Someone explain to me again why I decided it was a good idea to go back to school.

Oh wait - I know one good reason. That really hot guy who ran into me, literally, as I left the building tonight. In the words of the song....Damn, wish I was your lover.

Eh. With my luck, just as we got into bed - I would wake up.

I have a final tomorrow. I have spent the last week studying. More after the exam.......

The Properties of Matter...

See that. Up there. No, right above my head. That little black cloud. Yep. It appeared during work yesterday. I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when I hit my knee into the corner of my desk. It hurt. My knees are always sore. No, perve, not from that. It just happens. My knees constantly prove that two forms of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

But when I hit my knee, my pen dropped. So I bent over (still seated) to pick it up. My head had obviously been talking with my knee. It decided to test that matter theorem too. With my monitor. Ouch. Two Aleve later, the rest of the workday was uneventful. I left for home in good spirits. I got to the parking lot and just stood there for a minute admiring how shiny and pretty my car looked in the sunlight. It's a guy thing. It transcends orientation. No, really. Anyway, I hopped into my pride and joy, and got on the expressway to once again put my life on the line. Traffic was relatively light. I thought, "Wow. Nice day".

Then the truck appeared. The one who picked up the signal from both my knee and head that it was Matter-Theorem-Test Day. Luckily I saw him in time, and was able to slow down (slam on my brake) so that he could get in my lane. That's when I heard it. Clink.

There. Right in front of my eyes. Right in the front of my "I took 20 minutes to Rain-Ex this windshield on Saturday" eyes. A chunk of my car was no longer attached. The theorem was proven. A stone had flown up from one of the truck's tires and hit my windshield. Now granted, it's a small chunk of windshield - about a half inch in diameter. But it's right in front of my eyes. And it's my CAR!!! My baby has been violated. I feel violated.

Last night was uneventful. When I woke up this morning, I had thought everything would be fine. New day after all, no theorems need to be tested. I got in the car to go to work. But I had to look through the windshield at that chunk (grrrr-violated I tell ya!). Coffee in holder, phone on seat, get sunglasses from the visor. But they weren't there. I always put them there. Odd. So I headed out into the sun glare with a naked face.

Halfway to work, the traffic was heavy. It moderated from 25 to stopped. Then all of a sudden it sped up again, traveling nicely at almost 40. For about 30 seconds. And then brake lights ahead. Phone hits floor. Coffee cup now decides to test the theorem with the windshield and dash. Now there is coffee all over the dash and windshield. I just cleaned the car over the weekend so there is nothing to wipe up the coffee. I reached into my jacket, and found a paper towel. I wiped up the coffee while trying not to get killed. I realized that the reason I had the paper towel was because I was running late and I had just wrapped my vitamins "to-go" on my way out of the house. And now they are wet.

Life can only get better.

But right now, it just doesn’t matter.

I kissed a boy...again

Yup. I did. We did go out again, for a mini-date. We had a lovely dinner in a not-so-great restaurant. The company was good. The ambience was not. But it didn't matter. He did ask me out the next day as well, but I had a committment that I couldn't break. The point is - he asked. I have to tell you though, I'm not sure how I feel about all of this yet...but the vibes are good. We'll see.

I have a staunch rule that I never sleep with anyone with whom I am interested in spending more than an evening. Many years ago I realized that I needed to do more than get physical with someone to feel love. I could never base a relationship on that factor, and wouldn't want one that starts that way. The ones that started that way in the past, were over just as fast as the orgasm.

Don't get me wrong - that part of my life is important. In fact, there was a time when the bedpost notches threatened to cause the bed to collapse. But it all resonated very hollow. Now I need stimulation to more than just that one part of me. And he is stimulating me.

Everytime I have started to write an entry this week, that boy calls. I am not complaining, but it is distracting. So I decided to write at 5:30am. Probably not good unless I talk about coffee.

Speaking of distractions, Final Exam Part 1 was brutal, but I just got the grade and I did okay. I expected it to be much worse, even though I actually had put in a lot of study time. I am now sitting on the edge of an A. Sigh.

I am off to the shower and then to work and then - oh wait - it's Friday. Life is good.

I kissed a boy...

I was standing there talking with friends and catching up. We were involved in a very deep discussion, that much I remember. Out of the corner of my eye I could see someone to my right, but I thought nothing of it at first. Then, I felt something. No, not something physical but, something. And I looked up. And there he was. And he was smiling. At me.

No one would believe that this was happening that night. Once again, I had been at the theatre filling in for someone, doing hospitality. I had finished and headed to the club. And now he was there. Not Matt. But he had that look. That same look as Matt. That happy look, seemingly happy because he was looking at me.

But of course I knew he was going to be there. Even you knew he was going to be there because I had told you last post. Well Mr. Independent decided he was going to handle this one differently remember? Well I did. I treated him as if he was just one more of my friends there that evening. The more we talked, the more I liked his sense of humor, his laugh, his smile, his attentiveness, his sparkling eyes.

But he had to leave. So I walked him out. But he kept walking. All the way to his car. And he said we should go out again. And he kissed me. A lot. And as I walked away, I sauntered non-chalantly up the street, trying not to look at all affected. Of course, just as I finally allowed the beaming smile to cross my face, he passed me in the car and waved.

As I was typing that last sentence he called and left a message. He asked me out. And I'm smiling. Life is good.

This is a scattered day - in a scattered week - thus a scattered post. Streams of consciousness. Try to keep up.

Men. I'm starting to think I really do understand women more. No, wait - let's get this qualified. Gay Men. That's better. Straight Men I understand. Alpha Male. Penis. Must procreate. Got that. But Gay Men. Why is that not as easy?

Taxes. Grrrrrrrrrr. Which brings us to marriage. Which brings us to my date this weekend. Well not really a date, but I am meeting someone new. This time I decided to stop being my charming self and be extremely self-deprecating. The result, I am sure, will still be a shock -but maybe in a good way. Yeah right.

School. Yeah guess I haven't mentioned that. I am a college student in addition to being a full time employee. Final Exam Part 1 next week. Why the hell am I going out with someone this weekend instead of studying? I am still truly 19 in some ways.

Beauty. Those of you on the East Coast (MidAtlantic at least) can appreciate talk of the spring Monsoon season. I had truly thought that if it rained one more day I would scream. But I just happened to be driving somewhere last evening and noticed the rush of an extremely swollen stream as I was going over a bridge. The rushing water was amazing. The energy was just incredible. Then today - at last - sunshine. Spring. Dandelions. Life is good.

So what did I do last night? I think this picture pretty much explains it. That's me on the right:




A rare night out with the boys where a good time was had by all. We drank. We laughed. We drank. A lesbian flashed me. We drank. That boy with the rockin' ass was playing pool. Did I mention we drank? We ate chocolates. Reminder to self - when someone says "Let's do shots", run. But it was all good. And the most amazing thing of all was waking up today and feeling perfectly fine - and laughing about the night. Life is good.

"witches can be right, giants can be good..."

So what has happened since the day I grounded out, and the night that life threw that curve ball? Actually, and quite honestly, not much. I've been very busy in the day to day stuff. S'been good. S'been bad.

As far as Matt, well, the past must stay past. But did you ever notice that just when something happens to make you lose that faith in that whole fairy tale concept, something else renews it. Seeing Matt that night reminded me of several things:

1. I can be loved and I can love so well in return.
2. I am a much stronger person than I allow myself to believe.
3. Princes do not always grow into Noble Kings.

"Hey Pook."

He was the last person I had expected to see that evening. I work with a number of different live theatres in this area and one of my friends from this particular theatre had asked if I would help out, filling in as an usher and doing hospitality set up. I had to see the show anyway, so I of course said yes ("no" does not seem to be in my vocabulary). I had no idea he was in the cast.

The last I had seen Matt was the night we ended our relationship. In fact, in terms of my matured life, it could hardly have been called a relationship. It was indeed one of the several of those extremely intense, brief-lived, passionate-beyond-belief romances I have had in my life. It ended as it began, with a long look, a touch on the hand, but with a goodbye instead of a hello. He was classically handsome - in other words, not my type. But he had a way of making me feel special, as if I was the only one in the world that mattered. I have never had that feeling again in my life.


So there I was in the theatre green room, arranging cookies and struggling with an ancient coffee pot, all the while trying to be unobtrusive so the cast could "prepare". I could sense someone come up behind me, but I thought nothing of it. And then I heard that hypnotic baritone voice that had once made me melt in place. "Hey Pook". The years melted, as did I, and I could remember how his arms felt when he held me. Only it wasn't a memory. His arms were around me. And he had whispered that nickname in my ear. And he kissed the back of my neck. And I was 22 all over again.