I get the tingly sensation of a cool breeze

Well I did it again. You know who (I said I would stop talking about him but I can't tell this without it) stopped me as I was about to get into the shower.

He had that look in his eye, and I wasn't sure what he was up to. Ah, something behind his back. The Trimmer! Oh great, another session of lawn care 101. So here's the deal. I can't stand taking the time to do regular shaving let alone trying to knock down a whole forest, so if he wants to do it for me, let him.

I warned him to keep it clinical and professional because I was already running late for work thanks to the morning wakeup he gave me. Let me just say, that if it's a day that ends in Y, he's more than ready. Me, after about 4 times I gotta have a break...for at least a day.

I told him I did have some problems with the aftermath of the trimming, with some itchiness. Before you think what you are thinking, it's not shaving, just trimming. But I still get itch from - oh never mind, you get the idea. So he mentions to me that if I use some conditioner "down there" it will help ease that situation. Now that made total sense to me.

So after the logging crew has completed leveling the forest, I jump in the shower. I wash up, and wash my hair, then I grab the conditioner and spread it generously over the nether regions. Ten seconds later it hit me. The expensive conditioner that my stylist conned me into buying has both peppermint and tea tree oil as ingredients.

Twenty seconds later I was screaming.

He is never touching me again. Okay, he can touch me, but not with anything that cuts.

So what's your deal? (The party.)

HSNB had asked me to come over for the evening. He had said he was inviting some of his friends over for an impromptu get-together. I have met many of his friends in the past when we've gone out together. Usually though, it's been in a very loud club and conversation as a group was at a minimum. I had no idea whether they knew if I was gay or not. And I had never really thought to ask HSNB.

Once they had all shown up, I did actually know most of them and by name (Phone numbers - can't remember, but names I'm good at). It was quite a mixed group. Good conversation, good wine, good beer, good grief I'm starting to have a great time and I was getting a buzz.

One of the crowd was a gorgeous gorgeous hunk of beef, a little loud, a little overbearing, and a little - how should we say - full of himself, monopolizing conversations. I hadn't really talked to him, but then again most people didn't talk to him. They couldn't. He never gave them the chance.

I was talking to a rather attractive (Ok I just realized all of his friends are attractive) blond of the hetero female species. We were talking Oscars of all things. I felt a hand on my shoulder spin me around. It was that guy. HSNB was with him, and he introduced him.

"Joey, this is one of your fellow paesans, Anthony."

Oh dear goddess, he's a GUIDO! I should have known.

He shook my hand (practically wrenching it from the socket), and gave me a "Yo, wazzup". Oh great, a Guido who thinks he's all street.

I sort of answer him, kind of flustered by his overbearing presence. That's when he looked at me and said, "So, what's your deal?".

I swear in the 3 seconds it took me to respond, Rome could have been built. I felt a sudden panic. I swore I was drenched in sweat with cold air blasting at me. My brain didn't seem like it would engage. Was he going to out me? Was this big old Guido going to beat me to a pulp just for existing? Quick, some response, just squeak something out.

"What do you mean, Anthony?"

Oh fantastic. Now that was a response that would get me out of any situation. I had a chance to steer this away from any dangerous waters but my brain goes all W on me.

"How do you know HSNB?"

Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh. The waters were calm after all. I am truly an idiot.

Afterwards, when I asked HSNB if any of his friends knew I was gay, he laughed it off and said the coolest thing.

"Why would I tell anyone that. That's your business. Besides, no one would care. Except maybe Trisha (the blonde), and of course Anthony. They were both hot after your ass. I actually invited Anthony thinking you two might hit it off."

Hi. Have you met me? My name is Joey NAIVE-AS-HELL Destino.

I loves me some Yankees!

How cool is it when your boyfriend forwards you a picture like this one!

Of course, he knows a have a soft spot for the Yankees. And a hard place in my pants heart for Derek Jeter in particular.

May i just say that if I was Gary Sheffield, I would try and kiss him just the same way! And my hand would be exactly there!

Ah, the Boys of Summer. And Young Love. Makes me all misty. All over.

So what's your deal?

I was sitting on HSNB's patio, talking with some of his friends, most of whom I had met before. This one guy who I had not met suddenly turns to me, the only gay man (as far as we know) at the gathering, looks me straight in the eye and says, "So what's your deal?". I was taken back a few years, when I had heard that before...

It was summer. I was struggling to make ends meet as a young college grad in the big city. My day job didn't cover all of the bills, and I had taken a job in a club as a waiter. I soon learned that quick service, a smile, and allowing myself to be groped meant big tips! Oh sure, I am shy and demure, but I am also actor you know.

I was doing so well, that I was asked to fill in as a bartender during the week. Tuesday nights were notoriously slow, so I was able to get to know the regulars' personal lives. The chatty ones anyway. There was one guy in particular that never really said much, at least not to me. He stared a lot, but then again they all did. Bartender is high on the food chain in gay nightlife. I had a quick reputation as being "unattainable" because I didn't just follow home any guy who asked.

But this guy had the most piercing blue eyes that seem to stare through you. He obviously took care of himself for his age. Very hard body. Always an Izod shirt and jeans, gold bracelet, gold watch. Always twenties on the bar, tipped well, drank Scotch Rocks. Chivas. Always polite. But never said much past hello.

Until one night, he looked at me as I put his drink on the bar, and he said, "So what's your deal?".

His name was Paul. He was in Securities. And he was into me. I was only 22 at the time, and he was in his late thirties. Scandalous I know! But I was attracted to older men at that time, and for quite some time after he was gone from my life.

I don't remember how I answered him the first time he had spoken, but I remember that no one had said that to me since. Until now. One little phrase brought back a flood of memories of that summer, and the man who treated me like gold. He had asked me on a beach abroad that summer to spend the rest of my life with him. Many times you wonder - what if? Had I spent my life with him, who would I be now?

Accounting

Seasonal rental share on Jersey shore house: $4500.00

Dinner with friends (Fresh Barnegat Bay scallops): $28.95

Six bottles of wine shared with friends: $83.00

Tracing your boyfriend's tan line with your tongue: Priceless

Oh good grief, not a post about him again.

What is it that attracts someone to someone else? I don't mean just "Wow, he's hot!", I mean truly attracted. By now you all know that I originally started talking about my boyfriend here as The College Boy.

He was a teaching assistant for one of my classes. I have known him for over two years, and it was only in the past six months that we have had a relationship.

Yes, the relationship part started out as just sex. Oh be quiet, I know I broke my own rule about not having sex with someone I was interested in seeing romantically. What I didn't realize, or maybe fooled myself into not acknowledging, was that I was romantically interested in him. I have been for a long time. Granted, he is younger, but only by a few years.

We have had a number of in-depth discussions, and as it turns out, I was the one being stalked and didn't know it. He was after me. For two years. And I didn't see it coming. I said my middle name was naive, but no one believed me.

I always thought he was just a safe friend, someone who I poured my heart out to over Kirk because he was distanced from my inner circle of friends and could be objective. What I didn't realize is that it was much more. On both sides. I started dating and was just not all that interested in the guys I was seeing. Supermarket guy was too controlling, etc etc.

And the whole time there he was, just waiting to see if I would ever feel the same about him. He is very intelligent. Intelligent enough to see what I couldn't. He has stolen my heart.

Life's a Beach

Well I am sorry to say that I have experienced a huge loss. My old Dell workhorse has gone home to the great god Chip.

I got home last week, powered him up, and...no boot. In my infinite wisdom I left my laptop here at the shore so, no blogging for Joey for the week.

So let's catch up. The week at home was hot. No not that kind of hot, I mean 90+ degree hot. Very odd for June, but then again the weather this year has been odd. Here at the shore however, it's been gorgeous. The days are in the 80s, but there is a wonderful sea breeze which keeps it feeling much cooler.

This weekend, no BF. I know he wanted to be here. He is as much a shore rat as me, but life prevailed. I share this house with two friends, so I wasn't alone. Next weekend HSNB will be down as well. Millions of fantasies are running through my mind let me tell you!

I'm sure some people would ask why I summer in the "Jersey Hamptons" instead of someplace more befitting my orientation. I've been to Rehobeth, and Fire Island. Lots of hot boys sure, but I would prefer to have my summer without all the pretense. I spend my week listening to people bitch and moan, and I don't want to spend my weekends with all of the drama!

Yes there are plenty of gay people here. I know most of them that are local, and the tourists I can usually pick out very quickly. Most of them seem to have the mindset I do, and most are couples. There are no gay bars or clubs on the island, but I've never run across any problems in the nightlife here.

I've been told I'm an assimilator. I don't agree. I'm just me, living my life the way I want. Amd these days, I'm absolutely loving it.

Am I Blue?

Not really. It's been a great great week. Work was, well okay it's work, but it was a good week. I'm really looking forward to the weekend. It's been pouring rain here all day, so I decided I would just head down the shore tomorrow (That's a Philly phrase by the way- pronounced dunnashore). The BF was originally going to drive down himself tomorrow, so this works out better.

We have tickets tomorrow night to see the musical "Shenandoah" at the Surflight theatre in Beach Haven. BF has never seen it. That's one of the nice things about him. I get to expose him - to theatre that is. He's been before, but not extensively, so it's mostly a new world to him. Lucky for him, and me, he enjoys it.

Do you like the new look? I thought it was time to do away with the darker look for summer. This pretty much fits my mood now anyway. I'll post this weekend if I can drag myself off the beach long enough!

To say it was a fabulous weekend would be an understatement. I really do not have the words to describe what it is like to be back at the shore. I left at 4:30 yesterday morning to make the 2.5 hours commute back to work, so as to avoid the hellish rush. I was at work early and even had a fantastic work day. I was "on". Code was flying out of my fingertips all day.

I had a house full of people over the weekend. Having all of my friends around me was sheer joy. Good food, good conversation, the official unveiling of the boyfriend (okay most know him already but this was different. No words to describe that either- at least not yet).

The best part of the weekend - morning beach walks alone. The closest thing to meditation I get. I feel extremely centered again.

There were some awkward moments, some sad moments, and one where I was in our favorite bakery down the street and ordered the danish that Kirk loves. Loved. And it hit me. A huge wave of loss and sadness. So danish and I went to the beach. I sat staring out at the water, tears streaming. By the time I finished the danish, his danish, I was laughing. We had done this together so many times in the past, and I just got the sense that he was there. And I knew he always would be in my heart. I knew coming back to this place, this house, would be tough. Little did I know it was what I needed most. I needed to let go. Finally.

Summer At Last

Well I have officially taken residence in the shore house for the summer, here in beautiful Beach Haven, NJ. It's been a great weekend so far, and I am really not looking forward to returning back to PA on Tuesday.

We've been out to breakfast, and are about to go to the beach to get some sun. The BF should be arriving at some point this morning. He called me to say he was leaving a while ago.

Hope you are all having a great weekend!

Again

Then. Kirk.
I was sitting in the chair across the room. The only sound that mattered came from the bed, his breathing. The sun was just starting to appear over the horizon. As I took a momentary fleeting glance at the azure, the lapis lazuli, the white wisps of clouds, my mind could not blot out this singular thought. My life had forever changed and there would be no going back.

I had been sitting there watching him for what seemed like hours. In fact, it was only minutes. When I woke up in my bed his arm was around me, his cheek against the back of my head. His whispered words, spoken hours before, still hung in the air. "I will always love you". If I had slept at all after that point, I truly don't know.

As the light through the window began to increase, I slipped out of his grasp ever so slowly as to not waken him. From where I then sat, watching him sleeping ever so soundly, he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I never wanted that night to end. Like the perfect beautiful balloon I was given as a young child, I was afraid this too would break. As he stirred I realized that this was the moment, the last moment of perfection.

Now. BF.
I am sitting in a chair across the room. The only sound that matters comes from the bed, his breathing. When I woke up in my bed his arm was around me, his cheek against the back of my head. His whispered words, spoken hours before, still hung in the air. "I love you". My mind can not blot out this singular thought. My life has again changed forever and there will be no going back.

I have been sitting here watching him for hours, and from where I sit, he is so beautiful. As he stirs I realize I am again experiencing perfection. I am terrified.

I'm just oriented that way

I just don't get the fascination with pussies. Nope. Never did. Now I know lots of guys that like pussies. And some of you just live for that pussy of yours. If someone took that pussy away from you, you would just shrivel up. But honestly I don't see the attraction.

Even Jen has a pussy. She's always stroking the damn thing. I truly love her. She is one of my closest and dearest friends, but, she's got a really ugly pussy.

Some of you will do anything for that pussy. You will buy expensive gifts and food. And what do you get in return? Moods. Most of the time they just want their independence. And after they know they have you hooked, they just lay around and get fat. How's that for a return on investment? Oh sure, they're warm, love to be stroked, and feel like velvet, but did you ever get one all wet? Ugh. A wet pussy. That's just gross.

I, however, have always been fond of what is right now between my legs. I've known ever since I was child that I could always reach down and play with my puppy. I knew that whenever I had no one else to play with, I could go to my room and stroke my puppy for hours. My friends and I used to get together all the time and you can just bet that we were playing with each others puppies.

Now that I am older, those carefree days are delightful memories. These days, I play with my cocker. Yep, always right there between my legs. It's an average size cocker, but oh so beautiful. I take my cocker everywhere. Everyone remarks how beautiful it is and they all want to stroke it, or grab it's balls. It loves that.

I fell in love with my boyfriend partly because he just can't seem to keep his hands off my cocker. And I've always said - love me, love my dog.

City lust

Yes I have it. Great lust for all of you who live in the big city. You leave your homes, get on the train, and go to work.

You have no idea how much fun it is to live in the suburbs where we leave our homes, get in our cars, and get on the expressway to risk life and limb every day. Why is it so dangerous you ask?

I like to call them, the living stupid. The multi-taskers. I apologize to those of you who are one of these people, and I implore you. Stop it. Now.

Just this past week, I have been behind or next to people who have been driving and:

Eating Breakfast.
Talking with their phone on one hand while gesticulating with the other. Neither hand anywhere near the steering wheel.
Reading the newspaper.
Reading a book.
Digging for - well you can figure that out.
Putting on makeup.
And. This one still stuns me. Plucking her eyebrows.

Dear goddess smite these people before they kill someone. But please do it before they get behind the wheel of their car.

Brooding

Random thoughts today...

Work continues to kick my ass. Luckily finals are over and I can concentrate. Blogger has been a pita too. I posted twice this week by email. Oh, you didn't see those posts? Neither did I. I think I need to make that decision about changing soon.

The wonderful weather we've had has had an evil side effect. No not that, even though I am hornier during the warm months, as you probably already know. Thanks to the delayed spring, lots of torrential rain, followed by warm sun, everything grew and blossomed at once. Which meant dangerously high pollen levels. I haven't had allergy problems for several years, but this year I am existing on mass quantities of antihistamines. So are many many people I know. Ugh. Ever have a hot guy lying on top of you in bed, nuzzling your neck, whispering "oh baby" in your ear, and you had to push him off because you had to blow your nose? Good times.

A certain calm

Yes. It's true. Calm has settled around my life again. After a day or two of my contemplating my continued existence within the great Kingdom of the Corporate world, calm has returned again. I worked feverishly to do some rework and have proven that I am good at what I do. Weeks of anticipated sweat, meetings, and late nights have been avoided.

But I am a summer boy. And the continued chill had a lot to do with my general disposition and demeanor this week. I long for long lazy warm summer days at the shore. Days spent soothed by the rhythm of the waves. My brain soothed by the passing of hot tanned boys. Sigh.

All's well in JoeyTown.

Ugh

Did you ever have one of those days? No not one of those. I mean - one of Those. A day when the next person that speaks is seriously messing with their continued ability to suck oxygen.

BF decided not to come over last night because I wanted to get an early start on my day today. So. Day starts with crappy weather. Car windows have to be scraped. The commute-that-sucks-out-my-soul becomes a foggy nightmare. Get to work early, but 35 minutes later than I wanted to be there.

Day continues with client meetings. Clients who decided they wanted a new focus. Months of work to be redone. Did I mention no lunch?

Leave work over an hour late and because of it, I am in traffic. That. Does. Not. Move.

Get home. Empty out pockets. Notice that cell phone has been off all day. Power on cell phone. Receive messages. Many messages. Mama Destino called 4 times. Thinks I'm dead. Jewish mothers do not have the market cornered on guilt. Doctor's office called. Could I stop in before the end of the day to have my blood work redone? The results were "a cause for concern, but a second set will allow us to confirm". It's a thyroid people. The levels shift!

BF calls. Asks, "how was your day?". Avoid impulse to hang-up. Or cry. Instead simply say, "Babe, I had a really really bad day". Twenty minutes later he is massaging my back.

It is safe for you to walk the streets again. Mankind is saved by a kind man.

I'm a what?

My friend Jen really dislikes it when I or someone else call her my fag hag. I never really give it much thought, as it's a term that's been used for a very long time. Last night during a belabored discussion between the two of us stemming from an incident earlier in the week involving HSNB, I started to wonder whether or not it really is a valid term anymore. Basically a fag hag is a straight woman, close to a gay man, who likes to hang out with a bunch of gay men.

First of all, I hate the word fag used in reference to me or anyone else who was born gay. Growing up, anyone calling me a fag usually was shown that I had a great left hook, for a fag or otherwise.

The other word in that label is hag. Visually Jen is not a hag. She is quite attractive. So's the man she chose to marry - but I try to block him out of my mind. He's just not- well, let's say pretty- on the inside.

So in this age of enlightenment (pertaining only to those not within the Religious Reich), is there a better term?

Jen called me HSNB's fag hag the other day. That's what started this whole diatribe between us. Now HSNB is not a fag (oh dear goddess were it so!). And I am not, nor will I ever be, a hag. But HSNB and I do spend a lot of time together. He is one of my closest friends. When we go out together to those homosexually-challenged places I do sometimes feel like the token gay man. So what is the term for a gay man, who is close to a straight man, who hangs out with a bunch of straight men?

Sigh. Somedays being an adult is hard.

I thought you said landscaping

There are many, many interesting and important things going on in the world right now. You would think I would have an opinion on most anything that I could share with you here. And I do.

But not today.

So. We are in bed the other night, and TCB (hereafter known as BF) says something incredible and life-changing to me. The conversation went something like this:

BF: So have you ever thought about chopping down the forest?
jd: Is this an Arbor Day question? (see I can make a post timely and relevant)
BF: Nooooo.
jd: Then what are you talking about?
BF: Have you ever trimmed the bush?
jd: No. The guys do that.
BF: Umm. What guys?
jd: The ones that come to cut the grass.
BF: Oy. That's not what I meant. Are you just playing naive?
jd: Playing? Nope. My middle name is naive.
BF: Okay fine. Have you ever manscaped?

Oh. My. God. I'm just getting over being underwear-challenged and now it seems I am personal-grooming challenged as well.

BF: Are you listening to me?
jd: I'm uh. I mean. Well yeah, I've sort of trimmed. Kinda.
BF: You would look so much better if you did.

Okay, now what do I do - end the relationship because I am insulted or...
So I opt for "or":

jd: So you are saying I look bad? Mama Destino would be SO proud.
BF: No, not at all. It's like your other hair. A fresh cut always makes you look and feel better.
I grant absolution. Dragged himself out of that one!

jd: Ohhhkay.
BF: I could do it for you. I could even shave it if you want.

Okay. My reaction to that was totally unexpected. Little Joey immediately leaptto attention. I whisper in reply:

jd: Ummmm. (pause). Okay.

The next hour or so was amazing. I had never ever let someone "trim the bush". You can not imagine the feeling when someone has a razor in one hand, your testicles in another, and a determined look on their face. At this point I did draw the line. I allowed a trimming. But no razor, oh no.

And you know what? He looked so happy afterwards. My heart truly melted. Again.

Now if I can just get him to mow the lawn....

I got it bad...and good

Spring Fever. Sigh.

I can't stand being indoors anymore. The weather has been tremendous. We went from 20s and 30s and snow to 70s and 80s in just a couple of days. And for the most part, for the past two weeks, it has stayed that way.

Let's just recap Joey's life the past two weeks. It's April. I've been to the shore already. I have the beginnings of a tan. My mind can't concentrate on work or writing. I have a boyfriend. Wait that's not right. I have a... Ok, what is the word for someone who you want to spend all of your time with, who you sleep with most nights, who all of your friends already call your husband, who you are in luh...

Oh.

Well yeah I guess that would qualify it alright. But it's spring. And I just don't know if I am ready to be an "us" when I desperately need to be a "me".

It was only a matter of time.

"I'm just not getting it"

"You will. Just concentrate. You seem distracted."

He was so right. Why wouldn't I be? The course I was in at the time was tough. I've never really excelled at math and as much as I dreaded the thought, I had to take this course. My advisor had told me that there was plenty of support, and a T.A. who was available outside of class.

Well after only a few sessions, I definitely needed the help. So early Saturday morning I dragged myself to campus to the lab. As soon as I opened the door I was distracted. Sweet-Mario-Lopez-on-a-stick. The T.A. was gorgeous. The extremely confident individual that I am, I just wanted to back out of the room and go home. How the hell could I concentrate with him in the room?

I had figured he'd be another condescending jock, not really helpful at all. By the end of the session I got it. The math concepts that is. But I spent a lot of time sneaking glances at his... ummmm..., crotchal area. And damn he smelled good. Every time he leaned in to me my heart raced.

I went back Saturday after Saturday. Was it to see him? Duh. He was really good. At teaching that is. By the end of the semester I was good too. At math. I aced the final and ended up with a B+ overall. I decided as a thank you I would ask him out for a drink. He agreed. We got to know each other much better that night.

And now, two years later.... well you all know him as TCB.