Spent

Well life has taken an unexpected turn this week. Due to an issue with a client at work I had to go out of town and "fix" it.

I don't know how people do this. I love traveling - at least for pleasure - but not for work! Airport delays, bad hotels, bad service, grumpy Joey. I don't talk about work on my blog because even the popular kids have problems with that area. Besides - I'm a computer geek - not anything all that exciting to tell anyway.

But I am now home. What did I miss?

Phone-a-friend

joey: SO are you going to do it or not?
jen : How the hell did you get yourself into this mess in the first place?
joey: Just lucky I guess.
jen : You are incorrigiable!
joey: Yes, but you love me.
jen: Oh I have emotions attached to you, but love isn't what comes first to mind!
joey: Shit!
jen: Now what?
joey: My frelling shoulder hurts.
jen: I'm going to hate myself for asking this, but how did you hurt your shoulder?
joey: It's not just my shoulder, everything hurts! I was at the gym this morning with HSNB.
jen: Okay you do realize that whole thing is going to go nowhere.
joey: Who says?
jen: The boy is STRAIGHT for HeyZeus sakes! I have a better chance with him!
joey: You are not his type.
jen: Sweetie, I'll try to explain this in English, and hopefully it will translate well to Gay. You aren't his type either. He is not going to marry you!
joey: I don't want to marry him. I just want to have his children.
jen: Why do I bother?
joey: We covered that already. I can't believe they want $120 for these jeans.
jen: Where are you?
joey: At the mall, waiting for you! Why did you think I called you?
jen: Joey, I am not coming to the mall to help you buy jeans. You are a big boy.
joey: I'm not here to buy jeans. I already explained this to you.
jen: I am NOT helping you buy underwear! Ask one of the sales people.
joey: If you saw the guy working in that area you would not make me do this alone! He looks just like Jake Gyllenhaal.
jen: Who?
joey: Never mind. Sometimes you are so gay-challenged
jen: How old are you again?
joey: Bitch. You know you are just jealous.
jen: SO which one are you seeing tonight?
joey: When tonight?
jen: You have become a slut! I am disowning you as my friend. I am not going to be able to be seen with you.
joey: Ok, I am seeing PHM. We are having dinner, and then shopping.
jen: Why don't you have him help you buy underwear?
joey: There's a reason you're single!
jen: I'm not single. I'm married.
joey: I try to shut that out.
jen: Alright, so is the reason you need the underwear because he is sleeping over tonight, finally?
joey: No. At least, I don't think so. Maybe.
jen: Groan. SO why the urgent need for the underwear.
joey: Well, ah, TCB wants to come over, after PHM goes home.
jen: JOEY!!!!
joey: So are you going to help me or not?
jen: (click).

Homo Bone

Is it just me? Do you see what I see? And are all homos descendants of Lucy?

BBCNews Monday, 7 March, 2005, 10:54 GMT

Scientists unearth early skeleton

US and Ethiopian scientists say they have discovered the fossilised remains of one of the earliest human ancestors.
The research team, working in the north-east of Ethiopia, believe the remains of the hominid, or primitive human, date back four million years.

They say initial study of the bones indicates the creature was bipedal - it walked around on two legs.

The fossils were found just 60km (40 miles) from the site where the famous hominid Lucy was discovered.

Lucy (Australopithecus afarensis), whose remains were unearthed in 1974, lived 3.2 million years ago and is thought to have given rise to the Homo line that ended in modern humans.

So many men, so little time

Okay someone explain to me what the hell is up with the frelling weather? It was 67 yesterday. Gorgeous. All the snow melted away. Boys in the park in shorts. Fast forward to today. Twenty degrees, two inches of wet snow, winds over 20mph. Grrrrrr. And not one of my three men here to keep me warm.

Yes you heard me. Three. Trois. Tres. That wonderful New Year's resolution certainly came back to bite me on the ass. Mmmmmmm. Sorry that made me remember Friday night.

So - if I am going to talk about them - and I know you want me to - then let's list the cast of characters:

Hot Straight Neighbor Boy: Very Hot. Very Neighbor. Still straight, but bending. Bending me anyway. I spent most of last week not being able to move thanks to his wish to become my personal trainer. Ever seen the movie "Jeffrey"? Hereafter known as HSNB.

Supermarket Guy: Quickly becoming potential Husband material. We are dating. Often. More news on that to come. Hereafter known as PHM.

The College Boy: I am definitely going to Hell because of this one. There's a crush - but not mine. And to keep with my rule of not sleeping with potential relationship men, I have let him due nasty things to my body. Hereafter known as TCB.

Now that I think about, I am truly doomed. Karma is a cruel bitch. Who said that? Was that Thomas?

Got some last night

Snow. Snow. Snow. 8.1 inches. I am so sick and tired of winter!

Wait, you don't want to hear me rant on about the constant problems getting to and from work thanks to the constant snow. No, I'm sure you'd rather hear about the intense mind-blowing sexual experience I had Saturday. But I'm not going to talk about that. Not really.

See, I have a secret. I once had a brief relationship with someone famous. For some of you that's probably not a big deal, but for a simple boy in his early 20's from Western PA, it's definitely out of the norm.

Yes he was famous back then. Not so much now. He was in town to film a movie. I didn't even know who he was at first. I was out at a club (non-gay) with friends, having a great time dancing and cocktailing. Of course I was checking out all the straight hotties. He was hanging near the DJ, looking like a lost puppy. Smiling, swaying to the beat, not really being social. I hadn't given him much more thought.

All good cocktails must come out at some point, so I made my way to the restroom. We ran into each other on the way in. That cute smile on this boy's face when seen close up made my heart melt. He was so adorable in a geeky sort of way - at least in the clothes and glasses that's how he appeared. The 'dar was pinging away!

We ended up talking and to make a long story short, he came after to my place for coffee. The love-making was awesome. Just awesome. And we ended the night sleeping, him nuzzled up behind me, holding me. Just like Kirk had always done. Making me feel safe.

I knew this was going to be a brief few weeks. He made that clear up front the next morning. He was only here for the shooting and then back to CA.

I've kept the secret all these years. His career has all but flatlined over the years, but even if he had become a superstar, I would never divulge it. That's just not me. What we had was extremely special - my moment with a Prince.

But I was reminded of him again this weekend, when I woke up with a sweet boy's arms around me, nuzzling up behind me, making me feel safe.

So what's in my drawers?

I never really gave my underwear much thought until the night I took off my pants in front of him.

I wear boxer-briefs. I like them. They are supportive where they need to be. The boys like that feeling. I usually buy a certain brand (I'm not saying which because they aren't paying me for the plug). The fit is good. The price is good. The colors are plain. In fact, I buy white and black only.

A few weeks ago, HSNB stayed over during a snow storm. There was no where to go that evening and he had called to find out what I was doing. I had movies and food. He had beer. So he walked over to my place. We laughed and joked all evening. Even after the electricity went out. Well by the time the evening was ending, there was quite a bit of snow. He asked if I minded if he stayed over. Of course I didn't have a problem with it. I would never send a man out into the cold. Besides, I have a fireplace, and he doesn't.

We decided to sleep in the living room because of the fireplace. When I came back downstairs with the blankets and pillows, he was taking off his pants. You have no idea how many times that scene had played in my mind before that! We already know the boy is hot. And I have seen him shirtless, in nothing but shorts, during the summer. But man, this was different.

Of course I took off my clothes as well. And then it happened. He took one look at me in my underwear. His expression changed, his face lighting up as if it were Christmas morning. His mouth opened and in my mind I heard him tell me he wanted me. In reality, he laughed. Then he asked if my budget was that bad that I had to buy department store brand underwear.

Oddly enough I didn't through him out into the snow. In fact, we really became much closer that night. Closer than I expected. He has become something very special to me.

But before I find myself taking off my pants in front of anyone else, I'm going shopping.

A boy's fancy

I've been thinking a lot about love lately.

Are you finally going to talk about your love life?

Umm. Sort of. I haven't mentioned the date, or anything else going on with that area of my life.

We've been chomping at the bit for almost two weeks to hear the details of THE date!

Yeah, yeah, I know. It was a very good date, as dates go. Dinner, movie, lots of talking.

And...

Sorry, none of that. I never do that on a first date. Or second. Or third. In fact, I'm one of those who believes in truly getting to know the person before engaging in, intimacy.

Oh, what a load of crap. You've told us about the various nights that you, how did you put it - "Got some"!

Ah, there is the difference. Sex is a good thing. But the very rare instance where I meet someone, usually in an inebriated state, and engage in "getting some" (did I actually say that?) is different than getting to know someone and entering into a relationship.

Whatever. So what's the deal with the guy?

Well neither one of us are in our twenties any more, and we are both looking for something - well - permanent. So we are spending our time getting to know each other.

And?

God you people are inquistive! Alright. I find him fascinating, and charming. And handsome. Oh so witty. Well read. And yes, we have spent some time together over the past week or so. Flowers arrived at my office on VD/BD. Late night phone calls are happening asking about my day, etc...

So does this mean...?

No. Yes. Ummm. Maybe. We'll see. Oh leave me alone.

They SO did it.

I agree!

Out! All of you!

The boys are back!

Ah, the boys of summer!

My heart is starting to feel glad again. Signs of spring are peaking out all over. The most important portent - today was the first day of Spring Training (that's Baseball for all of you non-Americans).

I have always loved baseball. Some of my fondest memories are of spending time with my Dad tossing a ball or going to a game. I was never good at baseball either (bad hand-eye coordination), but I spent a lot of time cheering on friends at American Legion games.

Yeah, I know. A gay man who likes sports. I do. I'm not fanatic about sports, but I do love a good game. Basketball -not so much. But baseball makes me think about the memories, and summer. Life is good.

Oh, the guy over there - that's Pat Burrell of the Phillies - my future husband.

My parents had sex...

It's true. I am the result. Today is the day I take stock of gray hair, waist size, and hairline. That's why I avoid this day every year. Yes, it's my birthday. Am I celebrating? No. Well. Actually, I did this weekend. But that's a story for tomorrow. Let's just say it was a good weekend.

Do you realize the horrible paradox of having a birthday on Valentine's Day? When you are single?

Sigh.

Wanna be my valentine?

Shopping for meat

He called...... No, not him, he calls all the time. HIM! You know, the guy from the supermarket!

I have been giddy as a schoolgirl ever since. After the infamous store incident, we did actually talk on the phone a few times, and we met for coffee. But, as happens in my life, he was supposed to call, but didn't. And Mama Destino always said, "If he doesn't call, then he's no good!". Okay she said that to my sister, but I got the idea.

What's that you say? Was his excuse plausible? Oh who cares, the man is Grade A Beef on a stick! And intelligent, and funny, and...

Sigh.

So I said sure, I would go out with him this weekend. Of course I told him he was paying for dinner! He owes me for not calling. My sister taught me that.

You want me to do what?

I know what he is doing. It took me a while to figure it out. He is trying to recruit me. I'm convinced! I should have known when I saw him shirtless on his stoop in the summer that he had a plan.

HSNB and I have spent a lot of time together since Thanksgiving, and I thought we were becoming friends. Sure, he's straight, but I don't let that bother me. I'm not a heterophobe. Whoever those people want to sleep with is their business.

I let him take me to straight bars and clubs, and while that is really not my thing, I had fun. I had gotten to meet some of his straight friends, and most are actually interesting - although a couple of them really do perpetuate that stereotype. You know, extremely masculine, sports oriented, and the talk is all butch.

Well this weekend was the last straw. I had a few beers, so I wasn't really in charge of my faculties, and he seduced me. Yes it's true. I let him have his way. He kept pleading with me, and looking at me with those eyes. I gave in. I played around with him. Outside. In the common ground. Where everyone can see. I woke up the next morning hoping it was all a bad dream, and I wouldn't talk about it.

Let me tell you, I suck at football. And I am sore.

This looks somehow familiar

Finally, it's Super Bowl Sunday.

That means I won't have to endure that stupid Eagle's fight song much longer. I mean, come on, at least come up with a new song that people who can't sing (like everyone on the news) can't butcher.

Even though I live in Philly, I have a hunch the Pats may win. But you never know. It's a good match-up.

On the personal front - it was a tough week last week. Lots of work, and committments to fulfill. The weather has gotten a touch warmer. The snow is slowly disappearing and the dead grass is making an appearance here and there. Spring may be just around the corner. So what did I do last night? Ummm. Hmmm. The pic is a clue.

Hungry for Beef?

Random Thoughts...

I'm adding a new adjective to me. Disenfranchised. That's all I'm saying about "the speech".

Very tired. It's been a long day, in a long week. And it's only Wednesday.

I'm actually liking the new "Queer Eye". Maybe it's just that it's a different cast. As long as Thom Filicia is not on the show, I'm happy. I stopped shopping at Pier One because of him. In fact, I only truly care for Kyan. Everytime I see him, I just wish that I could switch places with him for one night. I mean, come on, who wouldn't want to be under Robert Gant?

Speaking of wanting to be under, HSNB was over this evening to return a shirt I forced him to wear after he slept over he borrowed.

Did I mention I have a birthday coming up? Sigh. I never celebrate it. After all, it truly just means acknowledging that my parents actually had sex, and I was the result.

The pic is Billy Currington, country singer. I'm thinking I need to listen to more country.

Nice Board

I guess it's part of my overall mood lately. Something my doctor (gay and gorgeous and partnered) calls SAD. Seasonal Affected Disorder. Don't ya just love labels.

But I've been feeling, well, nostalgic lately. I'm missing people in my past. Why is it that we come into each other's lives and then just drift away? I talk to almost no one from college anymore, let alone that horror that was high school.

I've been in several relationships with people, none of whom I talk to anymore. Oh wait, there are reasons for that distance. All well deserved.

There have been people in my life that have had great impact, deep friendships, with whom I shared so much. But they have all drifted away.

Being in theatre is a lot like that too. A cast comes together and shares so much, and no matter how much you say they you are going to keep in touch, get together, go for drinks, it rarely happens. We all go on with our lives. All to different destinations.

Sigh.

Maybe I just need the sun, the warmth.

Like A Magnet I Tell Ya

I met him in the oddest of places - at the mailbox. Oh I knew who he was, I am a red-blooded gay man after all. He's the really hot guy who lives in my complex, who I noticed the minute his car first graced our gates. He's the one who last summer sat out on his steps with no shirt on. Oh, I knew what he was doing. He knew I was watching through my binoculars through my window. I just knew it. Why else would he be out there?

Oddly enough, we started accidentally meeting at the mailbox. A lot. As if by stalking magic. Over time, we chit-chatted of course. After almost a year of my drooling talking with him, I finally invited him to dinner.

Every year, I invite people I know to my house for Thanksgiving. I call it the Orphan Meal. The people I invite are people like me whose families are far away, who are single, and who would just be sitting at home eating Chinese Take-Out otherwise. It's always a mixed crowd, and usually quite fun. And last Thanksgiving, I invited him. Without thinking. It was out of my mouth before I could think twice. I had innocently asked what he was doing that day knowing full well he has no family around here. He said yes.

Thus truly began the saga of Hot Straight Neighbor Boy. I don't call him that of course. I call him my boyfriend. Of course not to his face. In case you were wondering, he looks a lot like this guy.

Can I hold your stick?

Random thoughts for a Sunday Morning...

I write a blog post everyday. I do. I just keep trashing most of them because they are always about a subject I really don't want to share. As of today I am changing that thinking. Starting this week, I am posting them all. The Good, the Bad, the Hot Straight Neighbor Boy. Just not today.

I am a horrible procrastinator.

I think that a certain blogger over there on the blogroll is really hot. Sex On A Stick. And funny. Wanna guess which one of you it is?

I think that a certain blogger who used to be on the blogroll is extremely hot. He has chosen not to blog anymore. I really miss the Southern Prince and his photography.

Speaking of princes, HSNB asked me to go to a straight club in the city last night. Tempting, but I really don't like being out in the winter, in the city, in a snow storm. I stayed home and did domestic stuff. You know - clean, do laundry, read blogs, masturbate.

It snowed again last night. Now all of the dirty ugly snow is white again. You can make anything look better with a fresh coat of paint.

I'm not currently involved in any theatre productions. It is winter after all. But people keep asking me to come do shows. I do miss it, but I just need a break from all that right now. It's too time consuming. Unless Mr Sondheim calls. Then I'm available.

I really miss hockey.

The best ones are either married or straight, or both.

I don't know why, but for some reason I seem to be a straight man magnet. Now granted I am spending my time this year trying to fulfill my resolution of being single. Thus proving that they are only interested when you aren't. However, the fates seem to be wise to me. I do seem to be their favorite pastime. Quite a few yucks out of ol' Joey Boy let me tell you!

There is a guy at work who I have known for several years. Wait, let me explain something. I am not out at work. Then again, I am not in either. I don't have a rainbow posted on my head, but if someone actually asks then I give them the truth. The return response has always been - "Oh, cool" - and then the discussion goes back to other things. It's kind of disappointing. I have an entire tirade prepared on how gay is an adjective and just one that describes me, yada, yada, yada.

But I digress. Back to the urinal discussion. So I walk into the bathroom at work, where I always keep things business-like at the urinal, staring at my favorite logo, Sloan Valve Co. At the urinals is my fellow co-worker. He starts talking to me, not uncommon with him, but it's usually idle chatter. This time he is asking me pointed questions about office goings-on, and the discussion is going on longer than normal chit-chat. Out of the corner of my eye I happened to notice that his head was turned toward me when talking to me. I also realized I was almost done with what I was doing, and he was still standing there. I just slightly turned my gaze toward his eyes, which gave me enough peripheral vision to notice that he was standing back far enough from Mr. Sloan Porcelain that if I was looking, I would see "it" quite easily. And I could tell he was taking a prolonged time in "shaking". In fact, the shaking that he was doing in certain circles would be taken for an obvious invitation.

I am sure it was all innocent, as I have known him for several years and would not expect what was actually going on quite graphically in my head. But then, it was just frelling odd. Are straight men curious? Hmmm.

I got 12 inches last night.

And after a lot of blowing, it seemed so much bigger.

Of course I am talking about snow. It's another Valley Forge winter! We ended up getting over 13 and a half inches. Over night the wind kicked in, the house was covered in snow, and all of the shoveling I did last night was wasted.

Even though it was a blizzard outside, I actually had a lot of indoor fun last night with a really handsome neighbor, but that's a subject for another post. ;) Besides, The Game is on after all.

Wanna know why I like football? This is why:

Why I Hate Winter, part 857,634,192:

I hesitated to even tell this story, but after much thought, I figured what the hell.

Let me preface this by saying that winter has once again descended on Valley Forge in a nasty vengeful way. It was a lovely -9 degrees F yesterday, figuring in the wind chill factor (and I do as it determines the number of layers I wear before leaving the confines of my house).

I had decided that even though it was colder than most of my ex-boyfriend's hearts, I had to leave work long enough to pick up lunch. I eat mostly salads for lunch, and I have this thing about my salads being fresh, and different. So I often trot off to a nearby salad place. The ingredients are always fresh, and trust me on this one, always different. You see, the guys that work there don't speak English. I'm not even sure if they can read English. Sometimes ordering can seem like a true test of will, stamina, and sanity. I can order a spinach salad and end up with Caesar. The salad that is, not the guy behind the counter.

What I enjoy even more than salad, is coffee. Yes, I am a coffeeholic, I admit it. I usually have several cups from the time I get to work, until lunchtime. This means that I do not dawdle on the round trip to get my lunch!

Once I got back to our building, it was inevitable that on this very bitterly cold and windy day, I had to park somewhere around New Jersey. I do own a scarf and gloves, several pair in fact, but they don't seem to care for me. They always seem to be hiding and never where I left them last!

Anyway, by the time I got into the building, I was practically a Joeycicle. I got to my office, dropped the salad on the desk, and ran to the restroom. I was about to use the sink to warm up my hands, but Mama Destino always warned me that that was a bad idea- something about causing the skin cells to die, and my skin falling off (and you wonder why I need therapy!). But there was no time to wait for my hands to warm up. I had to go, and I had to go now. So with knees clenched I made it to the urinal, unzipped, and reached in. My boss decided to pick that moment to come in the restroom door. The resultant screams of profanity in a high pitched voice that came out of my throat, and the look of terror on my boss' face is something I won't forget for a long time. At least he's let me alone today!

WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!! Steelers are SIXTEEN AND ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a frelling game!!!

ben

Have I mentioned I LOVE FOOTBALL!!! In honor of today's Steelers-Jets matchup, here's a pic of hot Steelers Rookie of the Year QB Ben Roethlisberger! GO STEELERS~~~~

Still working.... Then again, I've been always told I was just a work in progress. It is not finished yet, but much closer.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving!

I received a Christmas gift that I had been dying to use but I just hadn't had the time. Over the weekend I was able to get it out of the package, and after a good thorough washing, I took it to bed with me. I have had two nights of absolute ecstasy ever since.

Yes, I can imagine what you must be thinking, but sorry. Not one of those. My wonderful Mother bought me a beautiful flannel sheet set. After a thorough wash and fluff dry, my bed is now the warmest, most comfortable, and most inviting thing in the world! Finally, for the past two nights I have slept straight through the night, snug and sound, with great dreams! Valley Forge winter, peeshaw! My mom has me covered. Literally!.

Doing some early spring cleaning, both at home, and here on the ol' blog. Please excuse the dust for a bit while I try and come up with a new look. New Year. New Attitude!

Tap. Tap.

*sound of throat clearing*

"Ummm, My name is Joey and I'm a, uh, a closet, ummmm. I mean I'm a, uh, uh....."

"It's okay Joey, you are among friends"

"Thanks." *sound of throat clearing* "I'm a...germophobe"

"Hi, Joey!"

"Thanks, ummm. Well. I've known for a long time that I've had some, uh, issues with germs. Not my germs per se, but, other people's germs.

I really don't know how it started actually, but I just know that I have always been, well, different from all the other boys. I thought atfirst that maybe I was just a product of my environment.I mean, my parents did keep a clean house, but thinkingback they were never that obsessive about it. My uncle was never,well, "that way" either.

I just remember, about the time I was thirteen, and I had to, you know, take gym and shower in public. It was an eye-opening experience. There I was, in the shower, with all of the other boys, and that water and soap sliding all over their bodies. I couldn't help but stare. All of that dirty water and soap from their bodies just mingling with each other. And soon, that white frothy stuff was everywhere in the shower. And I had this strange sensation going on in my body. Just thinking about all of those germs. I thought I was going to throw up.

As time progressed it got to a point where it never seemed to bother me. By high school I loved gym, and that shower. A lot. I couldn't wait to get in there after a hot sweaty practice. But all of this time, I have never, ever, ever once used a public restroom without washing my hands. And I have never. In my life. Had to sit on a public toilet seat. The thought of that just makes me cringe. But today, I just had to, well. You know. Dookie. There was no choice.

So I grabbed my lysol spray, and headed to the restroom.

But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.

So I had to go home from work in the middle of the day, and then come back. Meanwhile everyone is looking at me in that way. The knowing glances. The staring eyes. The tsk under their breath. They all just know. I can tell. Theyknow that I am a germaphobe."

Well the New Year is moving along just swimmingly. Everything seems to have gone back to normal. Whatever that is. My only New Year's resolution was to remain single. See this year is going to be all about Karma, and Karmic cleansing. And of course, reverse psychology on the powers of the universe. So I am staying single (wink wink nudge nudge).

For those of you who may stumble in here and read these mutterings, I have a few ways for you to work on your Karma.

1. I have heard from other people that they have received their free iPods. So, if any of you would like to join in on the fun, I still need several referrals before I can receive mine. The link is up there to your left. I paid the 1.99 for the trial at Ancestry.com, and I cancelled several days before the two week trial ended. It's a nice site and all- but way too expensive for looking into my dysfunctional family tree. Thanks!

2. My fellow blogger Hot Toddy has been nominated for an award! He is extremely funny and a wonderful writer. And he's hot. It is his name after all. You can actually vote for him! He's currently a few votes shy so if you could throw him a vote that would be lovely. The link to his site is in my blogroll on the left. The voting link is on his site.

So, please sign up for an iPod, and then go read Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven and vote! Great ways to instill some good Karma!

Wanna guess which option I choose? I'll give you a hint. I am severly dehydrated today.

Yes I did go out, mostly becuase I took a short nap yesterday and dreamed that I was having a party with all of my cats on New Year's Eve. There were hundreds of them, all wearing NYE hats. I don't own cats. I also don't aspire to spending an evening with a house full of them. Ever. So out I went. Fun was had, but nothing out of the ordinary. Just another night, lots of men, none of whom noticed I was in the room. Nor did I care actually.

The only word I can think of to describe my mood now that Christmas is over and NYE approaches, is. Conflicted.

I could spend NYE at home, curled up on the coach, watching movies, eating popcorn, drinking hot chocolate. And be ever so happy.

Or I could throw on the tux, hit the club, looking as handsome as is possible for someone like me, talk to "my boys", and stagger home passing out on same said couch. And be ever so miserable.

Le sigh.

Dearest Santa,

I truly desire nothing for myself this year, other than Steve Sandvoss. So instead of bringing gifts for me (other than Steve) please bring the following for my fellow bloggers:

For Brian, a handsome romantic intelligent man who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities. And customers for his awesome photography business.

For Jim, please bring him very rich customers on Christmas who will make him extremely well endowed - with tips. And drop off some candles and massage oils to his lucky guy, so he can massage his tired feet, and pamper him when he gets home.

For Matthew, please bring him videotape. He knows what to do with it.

For Hot Toddy, please bring him a handsome romantic intelligent man who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities. But not the same one as you bring for Brian. Unless they are actually twins. Oh wait. If they are twins, then just drop them at my house.

For Thomas, please bring him his handsome romantic intelligent Prince who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities, and may they live happily ever after, in their lovely castle with the white picketed moat. Wish I was a Prince!

For Homer, please bring him a handsome romantic intelligent male nurse who will minister to his every need as he heals from his surgery.

For Riley, please bring him a job that pays well enough that he doesn't need to work two jobs. And a handsome romantic intelligent man who will appreciate all of his fantastic qualities.

For Alan and Brian, well they are already handsome and romantic and intelligent. Please bring them many more years of peace and love.

And just in case Santa, you don't remember what Steve looks like:

Please wrap him. I love unwrapping presents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've had a lot to say. I really have. But the carefree, life couldn't be better guy that dispensed all that advice, forgot to dispense some to himself. Had I been posting this past week I would have been maudlin and, well, not much fun. Let's face it, would you really want to read that kind of crap at this time of year? I'm sure those of you who have read what happened this summer can read between the lines and figure out what the deal is.

So, onward to elfishness. I'm dropping the sack cloth, throwing on my best jock strap, and facing the rest of the holidays like there was no tomorrow! Trust.

Or as Jen said - Get Merry Mary!!!

The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays - Part Four

Put. The. Cookies. Down!

Yes it's that time of year when everyone and their Mother brings cookies, candies, and every other Atkins-Unfriendly thing to work. They will try to shove them down your throat. They will tease you, and cajole you with talk of pleasures beyond your wildest dream - just like a two dollar ho downtown. And we all know what would come of that!

Just remember, every bite is another two hours at the gym. Did you spend all year denying yourself, and sweating up a storm, just to throw it away for that succulent plate of peanut butter bars and Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip?

Oh sure, you have to taste them because you don't want to hurt their feelings. Put it in your mouth, take a bite, mumble something about a meeting, run to the Men's Room and do your best Mary Kate impression. Spit it out honey! I know you have the natural reflex to swallow, ummm, yeah, anyway, PURGE!!!!

The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays - Part Three

Everyone hates shopping during the holidays. And speaking from experience when I was just a young thing, everyone who works in the stores hate it too. Except for the mall queens. You know who you are. So over the years I have refined and perfected the perfect methods on how to get in, get what you want, and get out. Now if I could just get my love life so refined!

First, never ever shop during the holidays under the influence of – well – anything. There was a time that a cocktail or twelve would make shopping just oh so much more endurable. But I learned a basic economic principle from those days, the amount of cash spent increases exponentially as to the amount of alcohol consumed. As much as you are dying to suck down that holiday libation – fugehdaboudit.

Second, the breeders are going to annoy you. It is a fact of life, and you must learn to just overlook them and realize that they have the right to be there too. Yes, you do have more money, education, and innate nature to accessorize, and they will never be at your level. Revel in the fact that you are fabulous and higher in the food chain. Stick your nose a bit higher in the air. Ignore them. However, mothers with strollers are fair game. You may do what ever you need to get them out of your way. You may channel the dark side of your personality – the trailer living, roller derby-watching white trash inside of you. That brings us to cute daddies with strollers. Ummm. That’s another blog entry entirely.

Third, how to establish possession. You see in front of you the last of the item that Someone-On-Your-List must have or you will not be able to live it down. You reach to grab it, and all of a sudden Susie Walmart has pushed you out of the way and grabbed it first. You have several options here. Feel free to perform the one you are most comfortable with. They have all been known to yield a perfect result:

Option one – yank her by the hair, snatch it back, and run.

Option two – grab her arm (and/or the item if you can reach it) and start to cry. Loudly. Louder than her kid who is already crying. Do not let go of her/it. Start screaming for your Mommy, explaining how the mean woman took your whatever. Trust me, she will back off.

Option three is actually a variation on option two. After grabbing it/her, in your best little kid voice, tell her how pretty she is, ask her if she is your mommy, wait a few seconds, and the ask if she has seen your mommy, and then start to tear up and sniffle. Keep tugging on her arm if she starts to back away. Continue asking where your mommy is, each time increasing your volume.

Option four – shock treatment. You may not even have to grab her or the item. Just look at her and say in a very loud voice one of two things: “Hey, aren’t you Jessica’s girlfriend? I can’t believe the two of you were practically naked making out right out in the open in (insert name of infamous local gay bar) the other night. I guess that’s what the straight people mean by hot girl-on-girl action!” Or – this works even better: “Hey I recognize you! You’re the woman in the picture on the nightstand the other night when I was sucking that hot married guy’s dick!” Trust. She will drop and run. Unless you are actually in a WalMart in which case she may pull out a gun and shoot you.

Ah, the holidays. I just love shopping!

Do you like Hot Guys? Hot guys with power tools?

I am a huge fan of TLC's "In A Fix". I never miss an episode. Just watching these hot hunks gifted craftsmen sweating working away at demolition, then using their lickable biceps power tools awesome pecs is almost more than I can bare drooling all over.

It always amazes me how they can do all that do me now in just three days take as long as you want daddy. It really inspires me to get a grip on myself on getting those projects done around the house.

Do you watch the show? Do you wonder what they look like under all of those sweaty clothes? Did you know that Marc "Sparky" Bartolomeo started out as a model? This should answer your questions....

Originally uploaded by joeydestino.

The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays - Part 2.

Ah, the season of giving. The season of joy. Now we have already discussed how to reap tidings of great joy from buying gifts for your nieces and nephews. But the most important way to bring you great joy this season, giving you the best bang for your buck (and I don't mean an escort service, although that has a nice ring to it) is to buy first, and foremost, for yourself.

What is that one thing you've been denying yourself all year? What extravagance have you foregone because you just couldn't justify it? Why spend all that hard-earned cash on extravagant gifts for others (who won't appreciate them anyway because they don't have that extra gene we all have - the one that knows dollar store from Neiman Marcus) when the person you most need to impress - is you!

Now come on, you just know that buying that cashmere sweater, TIVO system, or Prada messenger bag is just going to give you a glow that will outlast the harshest of winters.

So go ahead. Do it. Indulge yourself babe. You earned it.

Thanks to everyone who has emailed me or commented on the free iPod program! I've had one referral and I am extremely greatful to whomever it was that used my link to sign up!

For the dubious among you, I am including 4 links below from bloggers who have actually received their free iPods! I'm going to post the link on the left for the iPod program. You have to click on my link for me to get credited properly.

Those of you who sign up through me, I'll be happy to post your referral links as well as soon as I reach my 5 referral quota.

Thanks!!!!
lockergnome
Matt from 3GDU
aardvarkind
Chris

Yes I've done it. I've become one of the lemmings. Now I have to tell you that I am extremely skeptical and dubious, and yes I did research before I took the plunge, but I have signed up for a free iPod.

Bottom line is, the marketing company is paid for you trying their clients' services for a period of time. Do that, and get 5 referral signups, and they ship you the iPod.

Wired.com has this article talking about it.

So if any of you want to give it a shot, please feel free to use my link or click on the image and be one of my referrals! Sometimes you just have to take a risk.

Wanna Dance?

Wanna Dance?

....Dancing as fast as I can

It's been a maddening week and I was spending a lot of time trying to catch up on all those areas that I have let go. Still not quite caught up, but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I had a fantastic Thanksgiving and will catch you all up tomorrow. But I thought I would bring you a picture of one of the many things I am thankful for - Summer Men like Kenny Chesney...

Stop the Madness...

No not the Republican Administration. On my lovely commute ( otherwise known as "that which sucks the life right out of me"), I was flipping channels on the radio trying to find some sort of music when I stopped on something hauntingly familiar. Yes, several radio stations in the Philadelphia area have decided to start playing Christmas music all ready. All day. All night. In stereo. I have it on very good authority that this began right after Halloween.

This made me think about how I would be spending the holidays alone. Well family will be involved, but there will be none of the "couple" festivities. Since I have spent many years handling all of this, I thought I would share some advice, over several posts. Hence I bring you.... The Single Gay Man's Guide to Surviving the Holidays. Part the First - Shopping for Family.

Now it is quite well known that we Guppies have what is known as "disposable income". For the single gay man, there is even more since we don't have to buy gifts for a siginificant other. How do we spend all of that extra cash. It's simple. Two words. "Sibling revenge". Do you have brothers or sisters? Did they, while growing up, find the greatest joy in life was to make your life miserable? Do they now think the greatest joy in life is to make you an Uncle (I think they refer to it as - procreating)?

Well here is the best advice of all that I can give you for this entire holiday season. Spend lots of money on your nieces and nephews. Lots. Buy things you know they will enjoy. Like a nice new drumset. Or an electric guitar. Or lots of those nice new versions of toys that stelch all creativity and original thought by making sounds on their own, like fire trucks and race cars. Getting the idea? The louder or noisier the toy/gift, the greater the reward and satisfaction for you! Your siblings will just adore you for this, he said with a smirk and evil grin. Last year, I bought them all Karaoke machines. Now there's a gift that keeps on giving!

Oh and don't forget that not only do you want to spur the Sibling Spawn's musical growth, but you should encourage them to explore art as well. Non-washable markers, finger paints, bead kits, tye dye, and that perennial favorite Play Doh (that sticks in carpets and dries to become a permanent addition to the pattern) make awesome gifts that will expand their creative brains.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my brothers and sisters. And the looks on their faces when they remember back to when I said at age 11, "Someday I'll get you back, just you wait".

Ah, the holidays. They really can be a time of joy for the single man!

Part two coming soon...

...It's just a moment in the woods.

I sat down to write about music today. But I decided to put that off because there is something I can't get out of my head. I have what one would call, very eclectic tastes. I can't say I particularly care for one genre of music or another. I like what I like. Same way with cars, clothes, movies... and men. I don't have a type. Well, actually according to Jen I do. Breathing. She's right, I do prefer them warm. I'll even settle for hot when I can get it. I once went on a date with a hot undertaker. Okay ponder that for a minute!

Two recent men came into my life who I would not have said - yeah, he's my type. We all know the story of the drag queen. Okay, look, once they have their makeup off they can be butch. No, really. Shut up. Stop laughing. Don't make me pull this blog over.

The other was the supermarket guy. Hey I am really into anyone who thinks I look good when I'm non-showered, non-combed, non-primped, and non-cologned. No we have not done the deed. We have had coffee, we have talked, we took a walk. All-in-all nice guy, and for the record, I am still masturbating.

The point of this is, that I didn't seek them out. I didn't go to the club thinking, "I'm gonna bag me some drag queen meat tonight". I did go to the supermarket for meat, but not of the 6' 2" kind. Today I am primped, cologned, and looking pretty damn good (for me anyway). I was in the cashier line at the mall, paying for my salad. The guy in front of me, who I had not noticed (so naive I am) dropped his wallet and bent over to pick it up. That made me notice.

He stood up, greek god that he was - body like a quarterback, and I realized then and there that I was no longer hungry for salad. I wanted meat. Greek meat. I followed him to get a better look (no ring on the finger, no one with him). He sat at a table in the food court. I sat discretely right next to him, facing him, full view of his crotch of him as he ate. His eyes caught mine and in that moment I realized that we were destined to be together always. His eyes looked deeply into mine and realized in that moment, that I was a stalker. At least, that look of curiosity, followed by understanding, followed by annoyance, spoke volumes.

Sigh. Not all moments are meant to be. And I can't get this song out of my head...

Was that me? Yes it was. Was that him? No it wasn't..
Just a trick of the woods!
Just a moment,
One peculiar passing moment.
Must it all be either less or more,
Either plain or grand?
Is it always 'or'?
Is it never 'and'?
That's what woods are for:
For those moments in the woods...

...come to bed

I absolutely love movies. There is nothing I enjoy more than getting lost in the dark in another world for two hours. So what better way to kick off my "Sex on a Stick" posts, than to post a pic of my latest movie crush, Steve Sandvoss from Latter Days.

Random Sex and Violence and Ramblings

To start off, let me just say that - I have a hit show!!! It was very well received and everyone raved. Wow. I'm a happy boy.

Now not all of the weekend was spent in theatrical reveling. I actually did get to go out and relax as well. Nothing overly remarkable, just a normal late night with the boys.

Sunday, I was at the supermarket, feeling a touch hungover and tired from the past two weeks' strain. Now I never ever pay any attention to the people around me in the store. I usually want to just get in, get stuff, and get out. I was cruising the meat, meat case that is, totally engrossed in reading labels. I reached for some pre-cut chicken to use for soup/stew, and just as I did, the person next to me grabbed my package. Of chicken.

That really threw me. I have never had anyone invade my space at the market let alone grab my meat. Ummm, poultry. As I turned to give this guy a few choice pieces of my quickly deteriorating brain, I was staring straight into the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen. Okay, this week anyway. The gorgeous eyes lived above a gorgeous sheepish smile. As he started to apologize, I realized I no longer had the capacity to speak. But as the words refused to stream confidently out of my mouth, words from everywhere screamed through my brain. Why oh why didn't I....shower, shave, match my outfit, come here in the first place?

It only took a few seconds but the brain shut off the voices. Except for his. Those deep resonant syllables quickly made me melt. I said-okay grunted-something in response, and started to run away before I could in any further way completely humiliate myself. I turned, and ran straight into his cart. Oh dear lord could I be any more of a sitcom character?

He apologized again. I said something in some language, Klingon I think, pushed the cart out of my way, and took off for safer parts of the store. Okay by now, you can probably guess what happened. Yes, I came around a corner, and ran smack into him. Literally. He apologized. Again. I said something in return, Swahili I believe. I was about to run again (wishing teleportation was an option) when he gently grabbed my arm and insisted that I let him buy me a coffee to calm down. I think he said, "repay me for the damage", but by that point, I needed to calm down. But I managed to find a more suitable language that he seemed to comprehend, thanked him, declined the offer, and was about to drop my purchases and run for the door. And at that moment every sound in the world was silenced. Except for his voice. His lips actually formed the words, and his breath propelled them out of his mouth, "I think you're cute".

Sweet Ally McBeal.

Later, after a shower and an hour primping, I called him. I got his voicemail. I simply said bravely into my phone, "How did you know?" That evening he text-messaged me. "Your shirt. Call me."

And there, on the back of my bathroom door, hung my "Boys will do Boys" t-shirt.

The night before the curtain goes up...

Well finally a night to relax. Not really, because I have actually been working on a number of things that have to get done before tomorrow night. The show is ready. I have an awesome cast performing a fantastic script. And now it all comes together, in front of an audience.

Acting is cathartic. Becoming someone else and sharing that with the people in the seats is the magic. It's an awesome feeling being the wizard that controls the magic. Being a director however is like being a parent, and opening night is graduation. I am extremely proud of my entire cast.

The downside of all of this, is that I am drained. I have spent a lot of time and energy on this project and I am exhausted.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The day has come. Please vote. Your voice does matter.

Back to Normalcy

Well it's sure been a busy week - and next week is going to be just as busy. Once this show gets on the boards I'll be a much happier JD. Still not sure what, if anything, I am going to wear to the party tonight but I may be able to scare up something. Y'all have yourselves a very Happy Halloween. And here is your treat, the art of Steve Walker, from the boy who still dreams of endless summer.....

I need a calendar...

It's one of those weeks. I barely have time to check my to-do list. I promise discussion will ensue regarding my weekend. But trust, it was not planned, nor do I expect it to have a replay.

I just found out that the party I am attending Saturday night is a costume party. Being busy, and dense according to friends, I didn't actually realize that it's Halloween weekend! (I have a show opening next week, ok)

I can't wait till the election is over.

Once the show opens I will have time to read again. Anyone wanna play Oprah and give me suggestions on what book to read next?

I'm just too busy...

I'm just too busy to write. No really. I have no time to tell you:

1. I had to do tech for a drag show this weekend.

2. Saturday morning there was a boy in my bed.

3. It wasn't a friend.

4. I didn't find out until later that day that he had been one of the performers.

5. My friends think I am incredibly dense.

6. I think I underestimated drag queens.

Sometimes I am embarassed by the fact that I grew up in this area, but indeed, I do have relatives in this extremely small town below. I have to say - isn't a good thing he didn't have one of those newly legal assault weapons around?

CONFLUENCE, Pa. - A man missed a mouse he was trying to shoot with a small-caliber handgun and wounded his girlfriend instead, state police said.

Donald Rugg, 43, of Confluence, was trying to kill the rodent with a .22-caliber handgun when his girlfriend, Cathy Jo Harris, 38, apparently went into the line of fire and was hit in the arm early Tuesday morning, state police said.

She was taken to Somerset Hospital where she was listed in fair condition Tuesday, said hospital spokesman Greg Chiappelli.

Neither Rugg nor Harris could immediately be reached for comment.

State police said they won't charge Rugg, but advised against people shooting firearms inside.

Ummm. Do ya think? Gee, I would never have thought of that advice. Thanks for letting us know, dear PA State Police!!!!

This is a very well done (in my opinion) commercial that is is airing on MTV. It would be interesting to see it air in other venues as well. It has one of my favorite songs as its background. You'll recognize it from Donnie Darko.

Permission

No.

What a great word. I've been told if I work on it, I can actually say it. I have also been told, that if I say it, miraculous things will occur. Like having time to myself to do things that normal people have time to get done. Also, saying no up front means not empowering people with the chance to complain when that which I accomplish does not meet up with their expectations.

So where is this coming from? Well, basically there are things that I do in my life that involve another word, volunteer. However, I am spending much of my time providing services that normally would require the recepients to spend a great deal of money. When I am behind for whatever reason, or I give them exactly what they asked for (which is not what they actually wanted), then they feel the need to complain. And the complaints are in the method that I would only expect from a boss. You know, the word boss, the person who is actually in charge of whether I receive the compensation that pays my mortgage.

So today I am adopting this new word, No. I figure with the commitments that I currently have responsibility for, then starting to use this word today will mean that I will again have time to water my plants, clean my house, figure out where the dog is under all of that laundry, possibly get laid - I mean date, 'round about June 2005.

Sigh. Maybe I just need a houseboy.

First incarnation is finished. Enjoy.

About Me

Streams of semi-conciousness...

Yes it's been a long rough weekend and I am exhausted. I need to do some serious studying for school. I still have laundry to do unless I want to "go commando" to work tomorrow. It's not a feeling I enjoy - at least not at work. And besides, it's cold out. The boys need to be warm!

I wish I had time for shopping this weekend. I don't need a new mattress, but I would like to have someone other than friends sleeping on mine. I did buy new flannel sheets last week just in case it's me and the dog all winter. Do they make dog nose covers?

Is it possible to still have a hangover from Friday night. My brain is still fuzzy. I'm not sure I can concentrate on homework. Football is on, but I just realized I haven't been paying attention to it since the first quarter. A little over two minutes left. Wow, I can make out the outline of the ref's dick in his white pants. I've never dated a football player. Slept with one once. For several weeks actually. Forgot about him. Hmmm. Do I have his number? Oh wait, schoolwork.

1 yard to go, 43 seconds, they send in The Bus. TD! Steelers leading 30 seconds to go. Cool! I guess homework can wait another 30 seconds.

Man that new QB is hot! Love to be his center... I am never going to get my work done.

Just some random Saturday morning thoughts...

Unscheduled drinking happened last night. But all were had by a good time. Busy day today too, and I am not happy with myself.

I'm working on an "about me" page, because several people asked for one, and Thomas seems to feel that "A blog without a bio is like a stripper with a small dick, still interesting, but not nearly as satisfying". SO that is enough of a ringing endorsement for me. And an interesting visual I must say.

I'm hungry and I need a shower. Now if that boy would just get out of my bed I could get my day started.

Oh I know what you are thinking, "Hey good for you Joseph, you got some!". But alas no, just a friend staying over. Although in my alcohol-induced haze last night it crossed my mind. Several times. Ok - a lot, but the morning brings clarity and the happy feeling that I did not succumb. Besides, he has drool running out of his mouth and all over my pillow. I was kissing that mouth last night. Maybe we should have just... naw.

I hate watching TV these days. Everytime a political commercial comes on I hit the mute button. Yes I am voting, and I freely share my politcal thoughts as to why I am voting how I am voting. I don't want to belabor this page with all of that, but I will just say that my quality of life has not improved in the last four years, far from it in fact, and most everyone I know has employment issues. Do the math.

Cold out. I hate non-summer. Except for the snuggling. Maybe I should get in bed with... naw.

I hate giving out advice. I always wonder why people ask me, of all people. I mean, how stable is my life? Have I ever made the right decisions? Oh yeah. The night I skipped a family function because Mike, who I had lusted after for almost 2 years, when I asked the simple question - "What are you doing tonight?" - replied "Wanna get naked tonight?". I paid for that with my Mom for years but oh my it was so worth it. Mmmmmmmmm...

Oh wait, where was I? The reason I mentioned that I hate to give advice, is because I am going to give some out freely. The person who I am giving it to, will understand. The rest of you I am sure will not mind.

Loving someone else is such an awesome and rare gift and blessing. I have loved often in my life. Sometimes briefly. Sometimes too long. Sometimes too wrong. Sometimes so hard that it seems that if I died, my life would be completed by just that simple fact. I've loved unrequitedly as well. That to me is the most confusing of all, the feeling that if they would just take time to think it through they would realize that this is the love for them. A love to complete us both. I must admit, this has happened twice in my life. And one of the two of them I still think about every single day although he is no longer in my life.

My advice is just this. Be proud and grateful for the opportunity to feel. Yes it hurts and I so truly understand sweet boy. But if he does not see what an awesome chance he is missing, then there is nothing on earth that you can do to change that. Love him for who he is and allow yourself to grieve briefly for that which will not be. But most of all, realize that you can love, and will love, and continue to be an awesome human being. And some boy is going to see that shining light and want nothing more than to live within it's glow.

Time to get rid of the dark and the old. A new look for a new attitude. I'm not content with the look yet, but it's closer to what I want. Bear with me....

Just another Friday night

Yep, sitting at home tonight. By choice. When the
weather changes like this, summer boys like me start
nesting. I just don't like the cold nights. It was a
rough day in a rough week, and I'd much rather be in,
catching up all the shows that I have taped.

Yep, it's definitely a transitional time. I remember
a time when staying in on a Friday night in October
meant pizza, quilts, movies, just feeling safe in each
other's arms. Nope, it wasn't Kirk, but you could
insert any of the other names. It's been a repeatable
pattern.

But tonight, there's a girl cuddled up next to me.
And she loves me unconditionally. Now if she would
just stop shoving that cold nose in my back in the
middle if the night.

Somehow you always know when you are at a turning point in your life. Everything in your microcosm is screaming at you to make the change(s) that are needed for you to go the direction you need to go. Some people relish these periods. I sure do not. But I have finally resolved myself that I must do this or languish. (Good word. Remind me to use that in the book.)

Little things can really make you think that there is hope in the world, and that we are all meant to complete our pursuit of happiness. Case in point: a blog that I have been reading for a long time that is written by two gay men, very much in love, and wanting to share that by parenting. Their pursuit was long, and fraught with many setbacks. But as it turns out, their journey was obviously meant to end with the lovely Audrey. The realization of their dream is manna for us all. I urge you to check them out. As Martha would say - It's a good thing...

Matt and Brian and Audrey

If you have not seen this movie...



Go rent it NOW!!!

This is one of the top 5 best gay-themed movies I have ever seen.

Part 2.

There is always that one love, greater than any other. The one love that touches you so deeply that you never ever forget it. You know what I mean. There is always the one. No matter how many times you love in your life, there's that one. I think I have spent my life trying desparately no matter how unconciously to recreate it. That was Kirk.

We became friends the minute we met. And remained so ever since. For months we were the dynamic duo, totally inseparable. I know what you're thinking, but no we were just friends. We double-dated anytime we dated. Never once was there anything overtly sexual about our relationship. No one ever gave it a thought. Neither did I. Except in fantasy. In December we went to the Christmas formal together, with our dates, and all had a fantastic night. The roommate (El Stud, according to him) was at the girlfriend's for the night so Kirk came back to my room while I changed. We had planned on going back out. I'll spare you the details but we did end up together in bed that night. He was the first man I ever slept with.

In the middle of the night, as we lay there wrapped around each other, my back to him, he hugged me a little tighter. I truly think he thought I was asleep. He leaned into my neck, nuzzled it, and whispered ever so quietly... "I will always love you."

Of course, neither of us at that time would own up to being gay, and sex came only with the excuse that we had been drinking. We did drink a lot more after that night.

We remained an ersatz couple for the rest of our college careers. After graduation we both moved to the city, but not together. Times changed. We didn't, not really. But Kirk was never truly able to admit the truth of it for a long time. When he did, we did give it a try. But he left after several months unable to come to grips with it. He married after impregnating a girl we both knew. His family was ecstatic. I wore black. I was the best man. Obviously. When the baby was born, I spent more time with it than his mother. She and he, were no longer she and he after four months. Pattern maybe?

We spent the rest of the years as close friends, every couple of years again making love, but never for long. Men came and went in my life. But none was Kirk. This summer, he made his recently annual trek to the shore to spend time with me. We had deep conversations that I will never forget. He proposed to me after a lot of tequila. If only. He left several days later to his life, and I to mine.

I had just come back from an evening walk on the beach and was showering before dinner. My cell phone rang. My best friend Jen. I answered it, naked and dripping. She was practically screaming into the phone.

"Joey, it's Jen. You need to come to the hospital. Now. Hurry."

"Why? What's wrong."

"It's Kirk. Oh God baby he's been in an accident".

I made it in time to say goodbye to my baby boy. My life. My love.

This Summer's tale, and all the tales of all the summers are so much more. I'm sure the full story of our life together, and not so together, will eventually be told. But for now, he is letting me rest.

Autumn has arrived.

This was one of the best summers of my life. And the most life-changing in a long time. Perhaps ever.

Now that it's done, it's time to tell its story. Truth be told, no other words will come out. Not until it is finished. I know it's him. I know he is still taking charge. He won't let me go on until it is complete, out of my head and onto a page. So to finish, I must begin...

I spent a very large portion of my summer, mostly weekends, on a barrier island in New Jersey far away from the everyday grind. There is not a more beautiful place on earth to me, and nothing more soul cleansing than just standing there at the edge of the water staring off into the waves. Good times were had. It was almost true perfection. Until the phone call that ended my life.

“Joey, it's Jen. You need to come to the hospital. Now. Hurry.”

Oddly enough, it was almost the same time of year when we met. My first day of college, feeling all mature and full of my new-found independence. I just knew this day was the beginning of something truly incredible, rushing into it with fresh-faced exuberance and joy. And terror. To think, I wasn't even jaded then. Oh, I was however different. In the back of my mind there was always the knowledge that I was a minority. In fact, I had never met an actual gay person. That I knew of that is.

My parents had left me in the dorm trying to figure out exactly what, where, etc. It was late in the day, still no sign of a roommate yet, and I was hungry. I had no idea where the cafeteria was, so out of the door I braved. And ran right into him. Love at first crash.

He was incredibly handsome. At least to me. Okay everyone always thought so, not just me. He was the boy next door type that you just knew excelled at everything he attempted.

“Hey, how ya doin. Name's Kirk.”

God, even his name was more masculine than mine.

“Joseph. Umm Joe.”

“Well Joseph umm Joe, any idea where the cafeteria is?”

“No, uh, I was just going to try to find it myself.”

“Well, you better come with me. Two's better than one.”

I didn't say it. But in my head, came a resounding “I'd follow you anywhere”. And that's how it began. Neither of us could have even imagined in that moment how that summer's end would be the beginning of a bond so tight. Nor could we have imagined what fate would bring us to, this many years later.

...to be continued

It's time to talk...

"So who suggested we take Jase to Hooter's for lunch on his 35th?"

"Joey did."

"Joey?!?"

"Yeah, Joey. It's not his birthday after all, it's Jase's."

"Oh great. Now on Joey's birthday we'll have to take him to someplace called.... Nuts, or Bananas."

"Actually I think he calls it Big Daddy's"

"Oy."

Well I knew the homosexually-challenged guys at work would love it. Jase can't even look at a woman without drooling so I knew it would be perfect for him. Luckily I do have that portion of the gay gene that lets us plan perfect parties. And after all it's not like we went to a strip club or anything. We went to Hooter's. Even my mother will go to Hooters. We both like the wings. Although everyone else seems to like the breasts. (Thanks, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your server)

It was a fun lunch. Observing the guys in that environment was interesting to say the least. I can't even believe that Bill looked at me and said "Have you ever been in a place before that was this packed - and it's all men?". Ummmm. Let me think.

Please don't call me

The phone was ringing and I was busy. Okay I don't answer the home phone, because anyone of any importance calls my cell phone. Curiosity did kick in, so I looked at the Caller ID on the handset and noticed that I was getting a call from "Unavailable".

All I could think was, Shit. It's bad enough everyone I want is "Unavailable" but now they're calling me directly just to announce their unavailability.

Oh, I'm sure you know the type. You pass them in a public place. Your eyes meet theirs for a brief moment. You're thinking to yourself, "I really need to stop for gas on the way home". He, however, looks back with that look that says "You can't have me! No no, Mr. Desperate! No Me for you!! I am Unavailable to the likes of You!!!" And you are thinking, "What the hell was that all about?"

Yes, I am available! And I am the one who wants none of the likes of you Mr. Haughty Unavailable!! So stop calling me, dammit!!!

Sometimes small disappointments can be a leveling of the cosmic forces. I'm still in that good mood for the most part, especially since a test that was to be on Wednesday was postponed allowing for actual study time. I was turned down for a role this week but you can't fight - ummm - nepotism? Is that the right word? You see, the director cast the boyfriend instead of (this is not my quote) "an actor that can actually act and sing instead of screw".

I have to mention that not only do I sing and act, I can also screw with the best of them - I am very handy at set buildings (cue rim shot).

So all of that means I basically have time to get stuff done. The house could use a good cleaning, or a house boy. I prefer my men butch, but as long as they clean.

Massage boy left a message asking if I would be around Saturday night. Of course I am not. The cosmic forces are working overtime to keep all things even you know - another small disappointment.

Did you ever realize that you were in a really good mood and not really know why? I know where it started it though. At least, that's what I think. I've mentioned that I do theatre. Truth be told I was once a professional actor - in a long ago incarnation of myself. Okay not quite true, I still do some pro stuff, mostly video work. The point of this is, that I had a weekend of being onstage in a great role alongside a good cast. It was a weekend where I had the applause, the laughter, the tears, and the joy of an audience swelling over me. There was even a standing ovation one night, that ripped out my heart.

Unless you've done this, I cannot begin to explain the feeling other than to say that it is a quite addictive euphoria. It is rejuvenative, I must say. And of course, there was a boy, who had caught my eye some time back, who felt the need to massage my back as I was relaxing post-show.

Then today, back to work. No boss today, but lots of work that had to be accomplished, so truly back to the grind. And then an email from someone - well, someone who has a way of touching my heart. That someone could do that often :)

The glow continues....

"I'm just a boy who can't say no...."

Life can be extremely complicated. Every time you think you might be able to figure it out...BLAM...another curve ball. I have been so busy lately that I don't even know what my house looks like anymore. I parked in the wrong parking space last night, and walked up to the wrong door. Key didn't work. Nope, not drinking, just brain shutdown.

If you want something done, ask a busy person. Except Mr. Busy Person is too busy to fit it in. In the grand scheme of life, I had it all figured out. Down to the minute. That's too close folks. I wish I could call a lesbian to fix my backup. Sigh. Life slows down in another week, I swear. No really. Well maybe, where's my calendar?

Yeah I know - where have you been? Well I took an unexpected detour in what I like to call - my life. It was a work thing. I had to go south for a number of days to visit a client site. It was not fun. At all. I got home yesterday just in time to rush out the door to make my first class of the summer semester. Then home, bed, work, yawn, need sleep. Oh and Bryan.... thanks for the visual - that'll keep me warm! :)

"The Actor's Nightmare"

Do you know it? It's actually a one-act play that's based on - well, just what it sounds like. An actor is having a dream that he is suddenly onstage as the lead in a show. But he realizes that he does not know the lines or the blocking.

Well I lived it tonight.

So there we were after class standing in the hallway, talking about the final exam we had just had, which seems to have been written for some other course. We had all reviewed all of the exams and quizzes and exercises from the past several months of class. Nope, nothing seemed familiar. To any of us.

I've spent weeks and weeks studying, and the last week I spent every spare minute. Someone explain to me again why I decided it was a good idea to go back to school.

Oh wait - I know one good reason. That really hot guy who ran into me, literally, as I left the building tonight. In the words of the song....Damn, wish I was your lover.

Eh. With my luck, just as we got into bed - I would wake up.

I have a final tomorrow. I have spent the last week studying. More after the exam.......

The Properties of Matter...

See that. Up there. No, right above my head. That little black cloud. Yep. It appeared during work yesterday. I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when I hit my knee into the corner of my desk. It hurt. My knees are always sore. No, perve, not from that. It just happens. My knees constantly prove that two forms of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

But when I hit my knee, my pen dropped. So I bent over (still seated) to pick it up. My head had obviously been talking with my knee. It decided to test that matter theorem too. With my monitor. Ouch. Two Aleve later, the rest of the workday was uneventful. I left for home in good spirits. I got to the parking lot and just stood there for a minute admiring how shiny and pretty my car looked in the sunlight. It's a guy thing. It transcends orientation. No, really. Anyway, I hopped into my pride and joy, and got on the expressway to once again put my life on the line. Traffic was relatively light. I thought, "Wow. Nice day".

Then the truck appeared. The one who picked up the signal from both my knee and head that it was Matter-Theorem-Test Day. Luckily I saw him in time, and was able to slow down (slam on my brake) so that he could get in my lane. That's when I heard it. Clink.

There. Right in front of my eyes. Right in the front of my "I took 20 minutes to Rain-Ex this windshield on Saturday" eyes. A chunk of my car was no longer attached. The theorem was proven. A stone had flown up from one of the truck's tires and hit my windshield. Now granted, it's a small chunk of windshield - about a half inch in diameter. But it's right in front of my eyes. And it's my CAR!!! My baby has been violated. I feel violated.

Last night was uneventful. When I woke up this morning, I had thought everything would be fine. New day after all, no theorems need to be tested. I got in the car to go to work. But I had to look through the windshield at that chunk (grrrr-violated I tell ya!). Coffee in holder, phone on seat, get sunglasses from the visor. But they weren't there. I always put them there. Odd. So I headed out into the sun glare with a naked face.

Halfway to work, the traffic was heavy. It moderated from 25 to stopped. Then all of a sudden it sped up again, traveling nicely at almost 40. For about 30 seconds. And then brake lights ahead. Phone hits floor. Coffee cup now decides to test the theorem with the windshield and dash. Now there is coffee all over the dash and windshield. I just cleaned the car over the weekend so there is nothing to wipe up the coffee. I reached into my jacket, and found a paper towel. I wiped up the coffee while trying not to get killed. I realized that the reason I had the paper towel was because I was running late and I had just wrapped my vitamins "to-go" on my way out of the house. And now they are wet.

Life can only get better.

But right now, it just doesn’t matter.

I kissed a boy...again

Yup. I did. We did go out again, for a mini-date. We had a lovely dinner in a not-so-great restaurant. The company was good. The ambience was not. But it didn't matter. He did ask me out the next day as well, but I had a committment that I couldn't break. The point is - he asked. I have to tell you though, I'm not sure how I feel about all of this yet...but the vibes are good. We'll see.

I have a staunch rule that I never sleep with anyone with whom I am interested in spending more than an evening. Many years ago I realized that I needed to do more than get physical with someone to feel love. I could never base a relationship on that factor, and wouldn't want one that starts that way. The ones that started that way in the past, were over just as fast as the orgasm.

Don't get me wrong - that part of my life is important. In fact, there was a time when the bedpost notches threatened to cause the bed to collapse. But it all resonated very hollow. Now I need stimulation to more than just that one part of me. And he is stimulating me.

Everytime I have started to write an entry this week, that boy calls. I am not complaining, but it is distracting. So I decided to write at 5:30am. Probably not good unless I talk about coffee.

Speaking of distractions, Final Exam Part 1 was brutal, but I just got the grade and I did okay. I expected it to be much worse, even though I actually had put in a lot of study time. I am now sitting on the edge of an A. Sigh.

I am off to the shower and then to work and then - oh wait - it's Friday. Life is good.

I kissed a boy...

I was standing there talking with friends and catching up. We were involved in a very deep discussion, that much I remember. Out of the corner of my eye I could see someone to my right, but I thought nothing of it at first. Then, I felt something. No, not something physical but, something. And I looked up. And there he was. And he was smiling. At me.

No one would believe that this was happening that night. Once again, I had been at the theatre filling in for someone, doing hospitality. I had finished and headed to the club. And now he was there. Not Matt. But he had that look. That same look as Matt. That happy look, seemingly happy because he was looking at me.

But of course I knew he was going to be there. Even you knew he was going to be there because I had told you last post. Well Mr. Independent decided he was going to handle this one differently remember? Well I did. I treated him as if he was just one more of my friends there that evening. The more we talked, the more I liked his sense of humor, his laugh, his smile, his attentiveness, his sparkling eyes.

But he had to leave. So I walked him out. But he kept walking. All the way to his car. And he said we should go out again. And he kissed me. A lot. And as I walked away, I sauntered non-chalantly up the street, trying not to look at all affected. Of course, just as I finally allowed the beaming smile to cross my face, he passed me in the car and waved.

As I was typing that last sentence he called and left a message. He asked me out. And I'm smiling. Life is good.

This is a scattered day - in a scattered week - thus a scattered post. Streams of consciousness. Try to keep up.

Men. I'm starting to think I really do understand women more. No, wait - let's get this qualified. Gay Men. That's better. Straight Men I understand. Alpha Male. Penis. Must procreate. Got that. But Gay Men. Why is that not as easy?

Taxes. Grrrrrrrrrr. Which brings us to marriage. Which brings us to my date this weekend. Well not really a date, but I am meeting someone new. This time I decided to stop being my charming self and be extremely self-deprecating. The result, I am sure, will still be a shock -but maybe in a good way. Yeah right.

School. Yeah guess I haven't mentioned that. I am a college student in addition to being a full time employee. Final Exam Part 1 next week. Why the hell am I going out with someone this weekend instead of studying? I am still truly 19 in some ways.

Beauty. Those of you on the East Coast (MidAtlantic at least) can appreciate talk of the spring Monsoon season. I had truly thought that if it rained one more day I would scream. But I just happened to be driving somewhere last evening and noticed the rush of an extremely swollen stream as I was going over a bridge. The rushing water was amazing. The energy was just incredible. Then today - at last - sunshine. Spring. Dandelions. Life is good.

So what did I do last night? I think this picture pretty much explains it. That's me on the right:




A rare night out with the boys where a good time was had by all. We drank. We laughed. We drank. A lesbian flashed me. We drank. That boy with the rockin' ass was playing pool. Did I mention we drank? We ate chocolates. Reminder to self - when someone says "Let's do shots", run. But it was all good. And the most amazing thing of all was waking up today and feeling perfectly fine - and laughing about the night. Life is good.

"witches can be right, giants can be good..."

So what has happened since the day I grounded out, and the night that life threw that curve ball? Actually, and quite honestly, not much. I've been very busy in the day to day stuff. S'been good. S'been bad.

As far as Matt, well, the past must stay past. But did you ever notice that just when something happens to make you lose that faith in that whole fairy tale concept, something else renews it. Seeing Matt that night reminded me of several things:

1. I can be loved and I can love so well in return.
2. I am a much stronger person than I allow myself to believe.
3. Princes do not always grow into Noble Kings.

"Hey Pook."

He was the last person I had expected to see that evening. I work with a number of different live theatres in this area and one of my friends from this particular theatre had asked if I would help out, filling in as an usher and doing hospitality set up. I had to see the show anyway, so I of course said yes ("no" does not seem to be in my vocabulary). I had no idea he was in the cast.

The last I had seen Matt was the night we ended our relationship. In fact, in terms of my matured life, it could hardly have been called a relationship. It was indeed one of the several of those extremely intense, brief-lived, passionate-beyond-belief romances I have had in my life. It ended as it began, with a long look, a touch on the hand, but with a goodbye instead of a hello. He was classically handsome - in other words, not my type. But he had a way of making me feel special, as if I was the only one in the world that mattered. I have never had that feeling again in my life.


So there I was in the theatre green room, arranging cookies and struggling with an ancient coffee pot, all the while trying to be unobtrusive so the cast could "prepare". I could sense someone come up behind me, but I thought nothing of it. And then I heard that hypnotic baritone voice that had once made me melt in place. "Hey Pook". The years melted, as did I, and I could remember how his arms felt when he held me. Only it wasn't a memory. His arms were around me. And he had whispered that nickname in my ear. And he kissed the back of my neck. And I was 22 all over again.

A witty post? Well probably not, I'm not Thomas. Especially not today. All I've wanted in the past year is to be me. First and foremost. Independence. Why then would I care if someone doesn't want to be a part of my life in a more intimate way than friendship?

Maybe if I am going to use this space to explore that area of me, then I will need to get that bio page done. So if anyone ever reads this - it may make some sense.

Let me just say this though - I didn't think he would fit the criteria. He did. Most likely all points too.

Why me? Why is it always when I let the fence down, let the crack in the armor, and think - just for a brief second - that maybe this time..... That's when it comes..... Those words..... Those awful words..... "but we can still be friends".

Why do I let myself go through it? Why not just be done with it all. What is it that makes me let someone get past my personal firewall only to have them decide once they are in that I am only sidekick material? I'm starting to think that when my mother was giving birth that she focused on that Munch painting.